A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Difficult day...

  • artistformerlyknownas..
  • artistformerlyknownas..'s Avatar Posted by
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
23 May 12 #332470 by artistformerlyknownas..
Topic started by artistformerlyknownas..
Dear all...you won''t probably recognise me...but it''s me..."samchik." I have decided to go incognito as I''m tired of my wife reading all of the posts under my previous account and using them against me. I feel like my voice had been stifled.

So...you''ll see I have a new name, a new account, and I''ve ditched those gawdy brown rags and that stupid dog for a hipper outfit and a cool monkey-thing as a pet. Hope you''ll all remember it''s still me underneath though :-)

First thing to say...I guess my wife might even find these posts - but I suspect she won''t look hard enough. A few times I have really wanted to post on here but have held back because I know it will be thrown in my face as ammunition.

So why am I posting today? I have a number of issues that are arising. I guess that''s inevitable.

First one relates to our son. My wife gave me a hint of what things might be like when I collected him from her on Friday of last week. Instead of being eager to see him again in a few days time she told me that she had been invited to a party on Tuesday and would therefore not be able to see him until Wednesday of next week (today). I remember reading about that party in my keylogger days...it''s the one the other man and her were attending and it really was the high school prom of her childish affair. I was gutted that her time with our son has so quickly been eaten away by her social life.

So today she rocks up. Expects to have our son for five or six days...because "you just had him for five or six days...didn''t you." My response? "Yes...but because of your bloody party love...I''m not giving up my time with him so you can compensate for your party...tough...I''ll see him again on Saturday as we agreed." She whines a bit...I don''t care.

Then, next Wednesday she''s off to France for about five weeks. Won''t see our son at all unless she can be arsed to come back and visit. I think I''ve found out (I won''t mention how) that she''s hooking up with some other dude there too. I cannot believe her behaviour. So, I''ll get him back on Saturday and that will be that.

But I''m worried about him. I''ve noticed a blindingly obvious difference in his reactions to us both on reunion. When I collect him, he runs to me as fast as he can, throws his arms around my neck, makes nice noises and tells her to go home. When she collects him he clings to me, does not appraoch her, and screams blue murder that he has to go (he calms down after a bit though and does have a nice time). But I''m worried about him and the stress of all this chopping and changing...are we screwing him up here? The only thing I cling onto is that when he begins real school he will have more stability and will be here with meduring term times at least.

When my wife arrived today I felt nothing towards her. Looked at her and thought "is that what all the fuss was about?" My concerns were not with her but with the little boy who has had his life turned inside out by her wreckless and selfish decisions. She will no doubt expect to come back from a five week break and ruin his continuity again...expecting him to slot back into life because "she''s back" and is ready to be a mother again. I am fecked off with her today...I find her selfish attitude simply too much to take. And you know...some of you mentioned I may feel differently about her soon...you were right. I can feel it coming.

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
23 May 12 #332482 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
.... Prince. Ok showing my age here..

WB Sam. I use my real name here on the forums. Yes Marsh is my surname and those that know me, know my 1st name is Chris. My ex can read what I write if she likes. Its all the truth so she cant do anything about it. Like I care...

But I understand why you dont want to disclose who you are. Information is power. And there is no need to provide too much of it.

Your son. This will be hard on him at the start. And you may feel that this is harming him long term but its not. It dont matter if the parents are apart. As long as he gets love thats all he really needs. Just keep re-affirming the love message. That includes mum as well. Yr troubles dont involve him. I guess you know that already. Kids are amazingly resilient. He will adapt just fine to the new situation. And this wont affect him as long as you love him.

As for the indifference? That comes after acceptance. And you are well on yr way. But can you do me a favour? Can you write up yr experiences with regards to acceptance? How you got there and what happened. There is a reason I ask you this. You are fairly new. And there are lots of new ones here that would value yr newbie status and how you did. Its fine for us old hands to talk about it. But the problem with us old farts is that we are a long way ahead of most. You are fairly new. And I feel yr input would help a lot of people. This I call paying it forwards. C.

  • artistformerlyknownas..
  • artistformerlyknownas..'s Avatar Posted by
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
23 May 12 #332499 by artistformerlyknownas..
Reply from artistformerlyknownas..
Marshy...I will be more than happy to do so. It would be the least I can do to repay you for the kindness you''ve (and many others) have shown by supporting me in these early days. There have been thousands of words of wisdom and kindness that I''ve valued enormously. Right now I''m not sure what''s happening to change things...but I''ll get onto it ;-)

  • Canuck425
  • Canuck425's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
23 May 12 #332519 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Well, things will continue to develop for you and you''ll see how that progresses. If you''re really at acceptance then you''re setting some kind of record ;). So, be patient!

Focus on you and then your son. I''ve told my kids ever since they were born that I will love them no matter what they do. No matter what. They have done nothing to earn my love and can do nothing to lose it. It just is not possible. At 14 my oldest has heard this SO many times that it gets a good eye roll and a "Dad, I know". Perfect.

I use this as an illustration. I think that unconditional love is the biggest gift we can give our children. For them to know through their entire lives that no matter what they do there is someone that loves them. Whether they are rich or poor; successful or not; in jail or free; whatever! They will always be loved.

So, the kid will be alright. If his mum deserts him that will truly mess him up. For sure. But he''ll just have to deal with that and you''ll be there to support him.

So good luck! Don''t forget to make your life awesome too!

  • Wiser
  • Wiser's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
24 May 12 #332562 by Wiser
Reply from Wiser
Just so that everyone knows "keylogging" is a program that monitors each key stroke a user types on a computer. It is very difficult to detect, however it has been known for people to confess they have used this method of surveillance on their partner.

And from what I have read the potential for abuse from private individuals is great and could be considered a criminal offence.

I didn''t read the rest of the message and replies because of this, but suggest if you have information that your ex doesn''t want to be married to you (for whatever reason), then you will have to accept that and move on.

Your difficult day is only difficult because you have complicated it. Make your life simple and change your life to being for you and the kids and not about your ex.

Hope today is better.

  • artistformerlyknownas..
  • artistformerlyknownas..'s Avatar Posted by
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
24 May 12 #332572 by artistformerlyknownas..
Reply from artistformerlyknownas..
Thanks Wiser. I should clarify that my keylogger was installed onto my own computer...that my ex was using to conduct her affair whilst she continued to live under my roof for a few more months. Hence, I was within my legal rights to use it - although I wish that I hadn''t actually.

I''m trying to comprehend how my difficult day was only difficult because I complicated it. For me, it was difficult because my wife and the mother of my son demonstrated that she would sooner be off running around partying and living like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City than she would be a mother to our little boy (who needs a sense of stability and consistency right now - not the opposite). As his father, my day was difficult because I''m trying to provide him that consistency but ultimately cannot do so easily because my wife is making it so difficult. The keylogger did not make my day difficult...my wife did...through her inability to put our son FIRST.

Canuck - I don''t think this is acceptance at all. You''re right, that would be some sort of record. So what''s changed? I think maybe the thing that''s changing is my wife is not on that pedestal she was on before (in my mind). I''ve just recognized she is not who I thought she was. But that does not equate to acceptance of what has happened by a long shot.

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
24 May 12 #332592 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
There is a lot of talk about acceptance. Most struggle with this which is one of the 1st phases. A person that comes to mind is JohnT. But that does not mean to say that ArtistFormaly... has not got acceptance under his belt or that this is a temporary thing. But then again, he has had a lot of help from members of the forum and that of course will help. I think that the OP will just need to wait to see what happens. The thing with grief is that it can surface many years later unless dealt with. And from all the postings that the OP has made its clear he has dealt with it by all the soul searching. The self blame that he went thru and then the information that the key logger gave him which changed things hugely. And in theory should not have this come and bite him in the backside later on.

I think Artistformaly... is a shining example of how pain can be lessoned by talking and posting about it. This is why I wanted the OP to post his experiences. There is nothing to be gained from suffering more than we have to. And being honest, I wish Wickivorce was around a lot sooner than May 2007. If it was in place a year earlier, it would certainly have saved me a lot of needless suffering in the early days. C.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11