Distressing call

Took a distressing call today from my husband. I think he may be having some kind of breakdown, I don''t think I''ve ever heard him like that before. My instinct is to go to him.
I''m scared though that I''ll go there, hug him and make him feel better and be sent home again. I care for him deeply but I shoulder enough responsibility. I was just getting myself together and don''t think I could bear feeling that low again.

I''ve emailed his friend to ask him to give him some support. But I''m sitting here, with stuff going round my head, thinking I should get on the train..

I wish I could think of something useful and reassuring to say. Some kind of breakdown is a highly likely explanation of his behaviour. But when it all started he didn''t look to you for support and that is a telling sign that the relationship is over.

I know just why you think you should comfort him. I feel the same about my stbx and the way he has ended up lost and miserable. But don''t do it - it will just open the old wounds, which by the sounds of it aren''t anywhere near healed. And it will get you nowhere; he''ll drop you as soon as he is through whatever mini crisis is happening. Just keep telling yourself that whatever mess he''s in is of his own making. Try to harden your heart; protect yourself.

((()))

What an awful situation. Can you wait to see if the friend can help first? Do you think there''s an element of hoping that he needs you and that there could be a reconciliaiton? I see from your other posts that you have been split for quite some time and it must be so painful still having these feelings for him.

Do you know what has triggered his breakdown?

At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you, and if you think that the added responsibility is just too much pressure then don''t get involved, or at least don''t jump on the train.

I should keep in touch with your friend to see what the situation is.

You sound a very caring person sunshine. I hope all goes well for you and your ex.

Hi Sunshine. I can understand yr dilemma. But can you run to him every time he has a problem? He has to stand on his own two feet and you have to be brave enough to let him. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. This is one of those times... C.

I think reality of what he has lost is dawning on him. I know that I can''t run to him everytime he needs help but I do hope that I get to the point were I am ok in my life that I can go and help him if he needs it. Maybe thats niaive of me but he was my best friend for such a long time.
His friend who I contacted is trying to help, so hopefully its just a bad day. I read on another post about turning feelings off like a switch - I can''t do it. I don''t like what he has done but I can''t stop caring about him. If any of my friends needed me I would help if I could.

My head is full to bursting again and I have really cried today, the first bad day in a little while.

Hi Sunshine. The point is you are torn. Torn between what the right thing to do is (and you know this in your head) and what you want todo (you know this in yr heart). And your head and heart are not in synch.

But really, what you had before (and this is why you want to help him) is gone. He is in trouble and he is reaching out. And this appeals to yr heart. But yr still here. And yr head is winning. But only just.

Bottom line here is that he needs to fend for himself. You need to fend for yrself also and you need to learn to say goodbuy. Like he does. And its hard learning to say goodbuy. But you have to one day. And that day could be today.

If you went and helped him. It would open old wounds that are just closing. Do you want to send yrself back weeks and weeks to that bad place? As much as it hurts and feels wrong, you have to protect number one. Yrself. So do the right thing. And let his friend help him. Because long term, this is where the help will come from. C.