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Dilemma...

  • Dazed
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24 May 12 #332706 by Dazed
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Hi everyone,

I have recently discovered that a friend of mine''s husband, J, is cheating on her. Not just cheating, but actually has another woman set up in another property. This has been going on for some time & there may be more than 1 woman.

I know my friend had her suspicians years ago but not sure what happened in the end -I think he denied it.

J used to work with my ex. I found about about J by another means & my ex confirmed that this is the reason he doesn''t see much of J these days. Coming from my cheating ex - that is quite a statement!

Having been cheated on for years by my ex & subsequently found out that 1 or 2 people knew - I would rather have been told about it. That''s just me though.

What on earth do I do? J is my friend''s 2nd husband (her first husband cheated on her & she & J have been married I think for 18 years now. Their daughter is post GCSE but still at school). J is v wealthy & would have no trouble hiding things from my friend. I don''t know what to do. My head is saying keep out of it, but I hate infidelity & hate to think of my friend being treated in this way.

Any wise advice?

Dazed :dry:

  • yellowrose
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24 May 12 #332713 by yellowrose
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Very difficult. If a friend of mine had known about my cheating bas..rd of a husband and not told me I don''t think we would still be friends - no I know we wouldn''t still be friends. If I knew that one of my friends husbands was cheating and had Absolute proof I would tell her. The humiliation of knowing that the bas..rd I married had been having an affair for 18 months and I didn''t know would make me want to protect her from the same. If it was an acquantance (is that misspelt?)I wouldn''t.
There isn''t a right answer I''m afaraid.

  • Sunshine10
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24 May 12 #332719 by Sunshine10
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Dazed
If the roles were reversed and she knew something about your partner, what would you want her to do? To tell you or to keep it quiet?

Its a horrible decision to be in, but if it was me, it was a close friend, and I was completely sure, then I think I would try to pluck up the courage to tell them.

Do you think there is any chance she might already know....?

I think with this you have to go with your gut instinct, knowing the person and the circumstances.


x

  • Marshy_
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24 May 12 #332723 by Marshy_
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Dazed... I would want to know. Everyone around me knew but didnt tell me. I hated them for that. The kids knew months before. Her friends knew abt all the affairs before and not one of them had the guts to tell me.

Sure it would have hurt and I would have been beside myself but it would have been better than being told by the OM that they were and item. That crushed me.

I would tell her. No question.

But she may not believe you. It dont matter. You have done yr bit.

Imagine what will happen when she finds out and you didnt tell her?

I believe in honesty. There is no other way. But thats just me. But you have to do what you think is right. C.

  • Stingrayj
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24 May 12 #332731 by Stingrayj
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I certainly would want to know. A friend''s husband found out my husband was not only cheating on me but was about to ''marry'' this woman in tribal wedding, he knew this for 2 years before he finally told me.
Bad enough hearing then but I would rather have had the truth no matter how much it hurt.
These liars do get found out eventually when they start tripping themselves up. I certainly knew something wasn''t right pretty much the time since he found out, shame I had another two years wasted by that cheating scum.

  • Dazed
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24 May 12 #332733 by Dazed
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Thanks for the super quick responses.

So, my friend is less of a friend now than she was when I was with my ex. The reason being is that when her huisband & my ex worked together there were a lot of events we went to together etc etc. The 4 of us went out quite a lot, go on holidays together, that kind of thing.

Since I split with my ex over 3 years ago, I have probably seen her 6 times & not at all for about 18 months I would say. We still communicate around birthdays & xmas & she did get in touch recently saying it would be nice to catch up.

It''s one of those friendships which has changed since my marriage ended - understandably.

So she''s more than an acquaintance but not the friend she was.

Does that make a difference do you think?

Dazed

  • jslgb
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24 May 12 #332738 by jslgb
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Wow what a difficult situation!

I found out that my daughters god mothers husband had cheated on her on her graduation night at her brothers pub! Everyone knew including my stbxh which is how i found out. I instinctively wanted to tell her straight away but as it was my stbxh who told me (before we were married) i was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My friend even came to my house and asked my ex if he knew anything as she had heard rumours and he denied it, as did her brother who also knew.

They separated a few months later over something else but my stbxh still wouldnt let me tell her (me = naive, loved up, stupid!!) and she got back with him and tried again. It didnt work and it was only months if not years later her mother sat her down and told her not only had he cheated that night but also with a young family member years ago that her son had overheard and the husband had denied.

I felt so bad deceiving her for the whole time and felt i had to because of my then loyalty to my ex. Especially as she lived opposite me and we did a lot together!!

I think your relationship with her and whether you feel comfortable keeping that secret needs to be addressed when you make this decision. You dont appear to have a loyalty to anyone so i think this one is up to you!!

x

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