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Moving on by meeting someone else

  • ConfusedDad
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27 May 12 #333237 by ConfusedDad
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Is the way to get over a relationship and become happy actually to meet someone else? When I look back over my past I have always been quite badly hit by breakups but the pain was significantly diminished by meeting someone new. Most of us here have been left for someone else and I suspect in the majority of cases it wasn''t an active process our ex''s took but it "just happened". Now you can wait a long time for someone else to come along, or you can actively try dating (thinking internet here).

At the moment I don''t want to move on as I still hold out hope (probably very stupidly) that she realises she''s made a mistake, however I keep thinking about happiness and I honestly think I won''t be happy until I''m part of a couple again. I''ve always felt happier with someone else. It''s interesting reading yellowrose''s thread on happiness and people''s experiences. I don''t intend to wait years for happiness to maybe happen, life is short and I want the sadness to end and happiness to begin as soon as possible.

So really interested to hear what you all think, also is there anyone on here who has moved on by meeting someone else?

  • rubytuesday
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27 May 12 #333248 by rubytuesday
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I think that jumping into another relationship too early and before you have emotionally dealt with the issues from the last one can be damaging and set you back.

Having a relationship with someone in an effort to move on is the wrong basis for starting a new relationship and doesn''t give that new relationship the best chance of surviving.

Rather than actively seeking a new relationship, how about seeking for new friends as a starting point, and with the view that it is only friendship you are seeking. That way you can meet new people, and if you find someone with whom you connect, build upon that friendship first before entering into a new relationship.

Moving on,and how quickly is down to the individual, there is no golden rule as to how long it takes. For some, they manage to move forwards quite quickly, for others it can take some time. But I think the key is learning to be comfortable in your own skin, and learning to love yourself before moving into a new relationship.

If you haven''t already, I suggest you read the blogs written by JJones123 who talks honestly and eloquently about moving on after divorce, from a man''s perspective. They are very inspirational.

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27 May 12 #333249 by jjones123
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My own view is that to form a long lasting and solid relationship with someone else after a long term relationship has ended, one has to spend time working on oneself and understanding the relationship that one has just come out of. The reason being is that if we don''t understand what has happened, we may be condemed to repeating our same mistakes over and over again.

Another view is that if we''re still in pain, and we use a new relationship as a ''sticking plaster'' our old emotional wounds have not healed - and it''s just prolonging the time that elapses before we get to a really bad state.

I''ve heard it said that sometimes people end up with very similar people to who they were married to or in a relationship before - and these people may be inappropriate. Distance and spending time on our own to figure out who we are and what we want from life strikes me as the best thing to do.

Having distance has helped me to figure out that I''ve not had much confidence in aspects of my life - so, and this is something I''m working on. Having someone else around at the time (whilst I was working on this) could have been a distraction.

One of the best pieces of advice that I gained from this site (and regularly repeat from time to time), is to do what you can to become the person that you want to date.

Best,
JJ

  • raybird
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27 May 12 #333254 by raybird
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when my relaionship ended with my sons father (no one else involved) i gave myself 2 years, and i actually enjoyed those 2 years on my own, plus i completley changed as a person, then met IT, together 6 years, fully loved up. or so i thought, until IT had an affair, and left, so ill be giving myself some more `me` time, ill be honest have dabbled in the internet dating thing, but not for me at the moment, far to early, but were all different arent we ? xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • MrsMathsisfun
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27 May 12 #333257 by MrsMathsisfun
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I went for the sticking plaster approach and moved from my failed marriage to a new relationship without healing.

It just led to more heartache. I repeated this approach several times going from one relationship (including a second marriage!) to another never really giving myself time to heal from my first divorce.

Eventually I gave myself some time to heal and come to terms with my past. It worked. I am now in a happy and fulfilled relationship. I can see when I need to talk whereas in my marriage I would just let the resentments build up to the point we never actually spoke to each other.

My partner however meet me just 3 months after his marriage failed. I think the reason it has worked for him is because I was very conscious of the fact that it was early for him and made sure we took our time to build the relationship. We became friends first and a couple second.

My experience has allowed us as a couple to learn from our past mistakes and we are both very conscious of the need to communicate when we are unhappy and work as a team to sort it out.

My partners ex had an affair, she is still with that person but their relationship doesnt appear to moving on like ours has and she appears to be very jealous of the fact that my partner is happy whilst she is still stuck in an affair type relationship with no real commitment

  • maisymoos
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27 May 12 #333281 by maisymoos
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I waited just under a year before I braved putting a profile on a dating site. Internet dating did me the world of good, it was a great distraction and confidence boost. I did however only initially start out looking for friendship, I went into to it with very low expectations. A few months and a few dates later I did meet someone, been with him nearly a year now and happy:). We do not live together which suits us both, but its lovely to have someone to share things with again.

I do think you need to be careful though and true to yourself, if you are not ready it won''t work, you have to be prepared to handle rejection again! Can you cope with that at the moment?

  • Canuck425
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27 May 12 #333303 by Canuck425
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My troubles began in June 2011 and we were separated by October. I did date one woman from Jan-March and took her to bed pretty quickly. It was really fun and a great shot to my self esteem. I was honest with her and she knew where I was coming from.

However, I knew that I was in no way ready for a relationship. Over those few months she wanted more and more from me. More time, more of me and I just could not give it. I was not ready and she was. I started to lose sleep. I had to end it with her as it wasn''t good for me. It ended really well and I got a lovely email from her saying that she met someone else and she''ll always look back on our time fondly. It was a good experience and I have no regrets.

Now, I dabble in dating a bit. It''s fun and I enjoy it. But I spend much more time on myself and developing my circle of friends.

I''ve learned a lot about myself in the past year and I think I might ALMOST be ready. But still not for anything serious. Just for more fun in my life.

I do know that I am in no way at all thinking of getting married again! I guess I''ll be flexible on that as you never know but I cannot imagine the circumstances that would cause me to want that!

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