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Have you had an affair?

  • ConfusedDad
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27 May 12 #333242 by ConfusedDad
Topic started by ConfusedDad
Don''t know how many people frequent wiki who are the instigators of separation because they had the affair/started a new relationship but if there are any would you share your stories?

I ask this because it always feels like we (the left) are always second guessing the person who has the affair and automatically they become the villain and us the victim. I believe we are victims but I''m not convinced that the leavers are really the villains. People have affairs because they are unhappy in some aspect of their life and although it''s nice to think that people would talk through their feeling and go to counselling etc. it seems that often it takes someone new to come along to make them aware of their unhappiness. That someone provides something that is missing in their current relationship and suddenly they see things completely differently, that is they reframe their situation and this causes the paradigm shift that allows them to treat us like we haven''t been married, shared children etc...

Perhaps I''m completely wrong but all stories have two sides and it really would be good to hear the other side.

  • rubytuesday
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27 May 12 #333255 by rubytuesday
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I doubt you will get many responses from those who have had affairs, those that have posted in the past, with honesty and regret about their affair(s) have often been judged and had the blame for the actions of others heaped upon them :s

In any case, why someone else had an affair won''t be the same reason as why your wife behaved the way she did - only she is able to explain why.

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27 May 12 #333260 by ConfusedDad
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I''m not lookign for the reason why my wife left, I know the reason for that, what I''m really after is some insight into the thought process of the leaver. How does it happen, is it sudden or do people plan, how do people feel about the person they leave, is there a lot of guilt or little etc...

If there is anyone reading this who wouldn''t feel comfortable posting publicly then please PM me your thoughts, I will maintain your confidentiality.

Thanks

  • leftwondering
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27 May 12 #333269 by leftwondering
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ConfusedDad,

You are still trying to look inside your wife''s head.
Does it really matter what she''s thinking?
You are still clinging on to her.

Rule Number 1 of Marriage.

YOU DON''T CHEAT

As for guilt?

You treat someone you love as special. You are good to them and care about them.

If you DON''T love someone...eg.. a stranger in the street, you don''t treat them horribly, do you?

Therefore the fact that the leaver treats the leaved worse than they would treat anyone else DOES imply a sense of guilt in trying to justify the affair IMHO. Blame transference.

LW

  • Canuck425
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27 May 12 #333304 by Canuck425
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I didn''t have the affair but I understand it. I get how we got to that point of our marriage. I understand my role in us getting there. I understand why I let myself be treated so poorly. I have learned a ton about myself. This is important stuff.

When I say I understand my role please know that I am not saying what she did was ok. She still made the choice to go outside the marriage. I am just saying that our marriage was in trouble when she made that choice and I had a hand in getting it to that point.

I am not a victim and will not let myself be seen as one. It would be too easy to sit and cry and say "poor me". Nope, that''s not my path. My goal is to be better. Become a better man. Live a great life. To go forward.

  • SilverFir
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27 May 12 #333329 by SilverFir
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Don''t know how many people frequent wiki who are the instigators of separation because they had the affair/started a new relationship but if there are any would you share your stories?

Okay, I''ll stick my head above the parapet on this one. I''m not proud that I had an affair, I''m not proud that I broke my vows, I''m not proud that I ended my marriage to be with somebody else. But for me it came down to making a choice to change my own future for the better.

How does it happen, is it sudden or do people plan, how do people feel about the person they leave, is there a lot of guilt or little etc...

Please don''t think for one moment that it is easy. It took me six months of thinking. Months of almost telling but not. Months of wondering whether I was making the right decision. Months of trying to give it another go with my husband. I would personally class it as months of "angst" but that would be to belittle the angst that I subsequently caused by my action.

it seems that often it takes someone new to come along to make them aware of their unhappiness. That someone provides something that is missing in their current relationship and suddenly they see things completely differently

In my case, my marriage had become "convenience". S*x life was non-existent. We shared meals, watched the same television programmes, slept like two logs in a woodpile. But the connection had gone between us. All I could see was another sixty years of the same thing, and it wasn''t what I wanted. I tried subtly to change the basis of the marriage, but STBX didn''t like change, he was happy with what he saw as our life, which I was seeing as non-life, mere existence.

So I decided to take control and change my life. Yes, there was someone else who helped me to see what was missing and offered to fill that gap. He should not be villainised, he was not the bad person, that was me. I know that I caused great upset and hurt. But in my head, it was hurt someone else or hurt myself.

As I said, I''m not proud of what I did. But yes, I had an affair and broke up my marriage for it.

(If it helps you or anyone else to attack me rather than your ex-spouse, go ahead!)

  • Shoegirl
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27 May 12 #333330 by Shoegirl
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Like Canuck, I was not unfaithful but I understand what happened in my own marriage breakdown. Nothing justifies adultery, but that does not mean I did not play a part in my own marriage breakdown.

So this understanding was vital for me to be able to move through it. Thing is I worked it out for myself over time. In my experience answers come with time.

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