What the hell is she playing at?

Hi all,

Samchik here. Posting under the other name today. I have been away from the boards for a while. I''m just writing this because I''m tearing my hair out over my wife today...her behaviour is sooo confusing.

For the last two weeks I''d felt better than I usually do. I had mustered some strength, I''d told myself and my wife that I didn''t need or want her back, that I would be ok, that I''d learn to feel content on my own. I was making some steps in that direction, exercising regularly, new wardrobe, new haircut, beginning to broaden social circle, zero contact with my wife apart from over son. I felt a little better.

But I have allowed her to throw a spanner in the works. She left for France yesterday. Five weeks without our son. She called a few times before that...dropping me questions about whether I have other women (I told her it''s the last thing on my mind...that I want to become comfortable with aloneness) and obviously "fishing" for something. I gave her nothing. Then, when she brought our son back for the last time yesterday she wanted us to hang out as a family again. I foolishly accepted thinking it would be nice for our son...perhaps also curious.

So we hang out in the park like old times. She keeps asking about other women...she hugs me many times...tells me she misses me. I stayed resolute and calm but in the end I had to ask her about "us" - her signals made me too curious. Response? Bang. Back to the same old shit..."I don''t know," "not sure if that''s what I want." And suddenly the power dynamic has changed back to what it was three weeks ago????

She says goodbye for France (and I''m amazed she''s really leaving our son for so long). She is tearful. She hugs me a lot and even kisses me goodbye.

I walk away calm...but very confused by her actions. Then I go home...I see our laptop on the table...she had been checking her Facebook account and has left it open on the screen!!??? The message she typed tells her friend "I''m happier. The new guy is in Croatia for a month...think I''m in love. But don''t know if it will work out." This hit me like a ton of sh!t. I sort of temporarily caved in...I called her. I asked her what she''s playing at...doesn''t want a divorce, not sure about us, likes someone else. I told her this fence sitting has to stop...I felt violated by the meeting she had orchestrated with me...I felt used...like the back up plan needed strengthening. She reverted back to default position...the fecking riddler. She said she wanted us to wait until she comes back and talk again.

I''m sorry. But am I missing something here. Either someone is committed to their marriage or they''re not??? For me it''s a straight up choice. When I declared myself "out" with my actions... she wanted me back in the game. When I''m back in...she refuses to show her hand. I''m tired of this fence sitting sh!t and I''m angry at myself for veering off course...I''d been making a little progress and I feel I ruined it these last two days. Part of me feels it might be better to simply serve divorce papers and decide to end this whole fence sitting episode myself. She has confused and angered me...again.

I''m going back to zero contact now. But how do you guys suggest proceeding? I feel like I''ve gone from a position of strength to weakness again? I''m pissed at myself.

Hey, I don''t think I''ve posted on your messages before but I''ve read most of them.

Congratulations for getting to the position that you were at. I think it''s one of those things that once reached it''s easier to get back there again. Of course you''ll have ups and downs but expect to regain your balance in a few days.

I had a situation about a year ago where my ex had an affair. I found out and so things hit the rocks. She eventually decided that she wanted to give us another go, but she was never really committed to us working. She wasn''t saying sorry, she wasn''t working to re-establish trust and it just didn''t work. I found out later that she had another affair less than 2 months later (and another, and another... that''s just who she is apparently).

Anyway, my point is that everyone on here will tell you ditch her, because we''re all separated, and for most of us we''re happier now than we were when we found out about our ex''s affairs. I think that a marriage can work after the devastation of an affair, but it takes really hard work and commitment. If your wife isn''t showing that commitment then it won''t work. She has to cut all contact with the other guy, to actively choose you rather than letting things fizzle with the other guy and coming back to you as you''re easier than being alone.

Whether serving her with divorce papers is the right thing to do, I''m not sure. Just remember that you deserve more than she is offering right now. If she chooses to break it off with the other guy and come back to you then you have some decisions to make but for the moment, although it seems like you might have to decide, really it''s all an illusion. She doesn''t respect you enough to say "I love you, I have a family with you and I choose you if you''ll have me. I''m sorry."

Sam,
I told you.You should have petitioned the divorce the minute you found out that she had been lying through her back teeth about the Croatian lover.
Ok so she sucked you in for a couple of hours playing happy families.That''s all it is.
The other strong actions still stand that you showed her because you have now pulled her up over being a fake.
Leaving the facebook page open shows an incredible amount of disrepect.
It also proves that she is a con artist.
I''ll reel him in a bit.......mug.
Need to keep his money coming!!
Forget about her treatment of you being an indicator of how selfish and self centred all her actions are.The biggest indicator of this is I don''t know any mother who would leave their 5 year old kid for 5 weeks to feck off to France on a thinly veiled jolly up.
I think your solicitor said tactically not to Petition for divorce until the pattern is set that the son resides with you and visits her anyway.Which makes sense.
All the best
Pete x

Hi Sam I am totally with Haway !!
Sam my OH is doing the same thing to me I am a year on from you and have mainly good resolved days but days when i waiver and my oh throws me a glimmer of our old lives and momentarily i persuade myself things can be ok.........i had one of those this weekend he came home we went out together which we havent done for months had a really good talk and felt just maybe....then on sunday he treated me like s*** for the whole day like we had never talked etc.....he also doesnt want a divorce and doesnt know etcetc
Sam I think both of us are slowly getting to grips with the reality of this which to be brutal..they have left us emotionally ages ago and we are their back up plans for when they are feeling a bit unsure or things arent going well with their new partners....

I am going to be brutal here ...i cant tell you what to do and wouldnt dream of it...who am i cant even help myself really...as i am procrastinating and kidding myself

But as an outsider looking in i could be wrong but i think your wife is incredibly selfish and one of those people who is a taker...if that makes sense

think about filing for divorce enrol your son in a ton of nursery school sessions ,structured activities etc etc things you know stuff like swimming lessons etc and go for custody of your son i know your solicitor has told you to wait for school but start getting the evidence to keep him with you now....especially stuff like the five weeks away......which is pretty unbelievable

stay resolved you have moved on so much already.............

Hi mate...

artistformerlyknownas.. wrote:

I''m going back to zero contact now. But how do you guys suggest proceeding? I feel like I''ve gone from a position of strength to weakness again? I''m pissed at myself.

You made a mistake. You got sucked in. She played the heart strings and she played you a tune that you know and love. And then she drops you like a hot brick. Its a bit like fishing. Realing them in and back out. Treat them mean to keep them keen. Its a very common tactic. And you fell for it.

You made a mistake. You had contact with her. Thats the wrong thing here. And you allowed her back in.

We all make mistakes. We never follow our own scripts. We should do. We go back time and time and time again for another kicking. When really we should read what we have written and stick to it. So the lesson is? No contact. This is what you must do and I hope that you learned something. Cos this is what this is for. Thats why we make mistakes. To learn from them.

On the divorce thing, dont issue right now. U will be doing it for the wrong reasons and the timing is wrong. Do it when you are calm. What you could do is issue just before she comes back. Make it a nice little returning from holiday gift for her. Gives you something to look forward too right? See the look on her face? Its not revenge. This is part of something else. Its part of saying goodbuy. And its something you have to learn. C.

sam
it''s the reeling in and casting aside game. As time goes on, it takes longer and longer for a cycle to play itself out (''cos you get tuned into it and learn to stop it happening) but it won''t stop, unless you deal with it.

Works like this: Person doing the leaving is happy, happy, happy. Life is fab. Person left is devastated. Person left has moments of obviously ''OK-ness'' with what is happening. Person leaving gets wobbly - if I''m so wonderful, why are they OK? Reeling in starts.....the second you show that you might not be OK, you get cast aside. Person leaving has the reassurance they need. Game starts again.

In the early days of my separation, you could have a full cycle play itself out oooh.....15 times in 15 minutes. I would say we are at 18 months and counting on the current cycle although the ex is trying very, very hard to break it (I came close on Saturday but got a hold of myself just in time!).

1. Your life is now your own. You don''t share it with her anymore. So don''t share anything with her - particularly don''t share anything with her ''in the best interests of the children''. Your son seeing you together in the park and then you going your separate ways is confusing, upsetting. Parents who communicate effectively about their children don''t need to do it in front of the children in the park, do they?!

2. Practise indifference, even if you don''t really feel it. Soon you will feel it.

3. Learn to recognise the signs and to protect yourself. She''s not coming back - she really isn''t. Repeat over and over until you believe it.

Hang on in there, as always. xxxx

Sam
I would say that it is not a mistake.
It was a fact finding mission.You''ve confirmed and reinforced that she is messing you about.You''ve confirmed she is reeling you in keeping you on the hook whilst at the same time being on a computer to the lover and friends about her lover.
FFS that must be a Eureka moment she''s still full of deceipt.
You know that''s she''s lying deceitful and selfish end of!
You''ve got more chance of seeing God than her getting back with you.
All the best
Pete