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What the hell is she playing at?

  • Dazed
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28 May 12 #333464 by Dazed
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Hi Sam,

This is all about your wife keeping her options open & you know this deep down. I know how tough it is when they show what seems to be vulnerability & confusion - but this is game playing at it''s worse.

Simply put, she wants a soft place to fall if things don''t work out. She''s keeping you hanging on & this confusing behaviour is just her way of making sure you''re still an option for her. She knows exactly what she''s doing - believe me.

My ex did this to me for the best part of 2 years & I stupidly let him. He kept telling me he was confused & didn''t know what he wanted. He strung it out & continued his affair whilst we went to Relate together. How twisted was that?

In the end & for my own sanity I told him I wasn''t an option for him any more & subsequently moved out. The hardest thing I ever did but I was slowly losing my mind. The thing that I have learned since is why would anyone who claims to love you do something like that. My ex was selfish as they come & it sounds like yours is too.

If she asks you about other women - tell her it''s none of her business. If you''ve been working out & have updated your wardrobe, then she''s noticed & is probably well aware you will get snapped up. Well, that''s tough for her because she clearly doesn''t want you - she''s just using you until her alternative future is guaranteed.

Don''t be pissed at yourself for wanting to see the good in her - we''ve all been there.

Keep the no contact & push on with the divorce.

Take care Sam.

Dazed. x

  • Canuck425
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28 May 12 #333583 by Canuck425
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This is so close to my story. All through my stbx''s affair she would keep asking "if I come back would you have me". She eventually did, sort of, come back and it turned out that I wouldn''t have her.

She was doing the same kind of things that your stbx is doing. No commitment, no regret, no accountability.

It''s been a year for me and we still haven''t filed for divorce. We''re getting there though. I think taking the time was vital and important. My stbx is still pretty messed up. I am sure she is stunned that I was not her fall back plan. I''m a little surprised too. But that''s where we are.

I wouldn''t chase her. For now, she is gone. She very well might come back when the other thing goes bad. Then you can decide what to do.

My stbx was the same when I started dating a bit. The GEM (Green Eyed Monster called jealousy) came out BIG TIME. She was livid that I could be dating. Pretty entertaining actually.

So, you''ll be fine. You know it. It takes time and a lot of work. You''ll get there. I don''t worry about you too much :).

  • artistformerlyknownas..
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28 May 12 #333626 by artistformerlyknownas..
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Thanks everybody. Man...I''ve missed the sense you guys talk :-)Being away from it for a while you can really lose sight of the blindingly obvious stuff that just escapes you when you''re caught up in it.

This escapade was really new territory for me. And I think I fell for it hook, line and sinker. But I''ve found my point of reference again much quicker and stabilized quite nicely today (as some of you suggested).

She''s back to normal today...calls our son from "the opera" tonight...in the interval...with her lover.

And you know, Haway...I''d quite like to see and meet God right now. I''d really consider giving him a bit of stick about what he''s putting me through right now. But I''m sure he''d say it''s all a part of the bigger picture...talk in riddles, like my wife :-)

  • afonleas
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28 May 12 #333642 by afonleas
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Hi sam,
Can honestly say been in the same situation as yourself and allow yourself to be sucked in and then spat out at their will.
These stbx so far up their own backsides they deem it ok to treat us like this but the sad part is we allow it but the worm has to turn sometime and this is now my turning and i feel in control for once but only you kno when its the right time.
There is so much good advice from all your friends, the time has to come when you love yourself more than her and it will,her behaviour has been deplorable and you are worth so much more,she is keeping all her options open and you are allowing her, find the strengh to fight backand not let her get away with this behaviour my new motto is revenge is sweet and my revenge is to be happy with my life and prove to him I can and I will survive and come out the other side,if they feel it''s ok to have affairs,fine have them but deal with the consequences of their actions,none of us need people like that in our lives so move on and get strong.


you will get there take care as i will also and we will look back on these days as the end of that life and the start of a brilliant life.;)

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29 May 12 #333657 by WYSPECIAL
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Just a though but do you think she might have left the Facebook account open on purpose?

She seems to be very insecure that you might be getting attention from other women, which you''re perfectly entitled to do, maybe she wants you to know that she can get attention from other men too. I got similar double standard treatment. It was ok for her to spend time on the phone and out with her alleged new man secretly but when I openly spent any time with a long term friend who happened to be female it was unreasonable of me!

I was in a similar place to you for a long time but would I dream of having her back now if I had the chance? Absolutely not. we''re still on friendly terms and I don''t want to spoil that by starting divorce proceedings at the moment but I wouldn''t dream of having her back.

  • rugby333
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29 May 12 #333680 by rugby333
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It is very frustrating to read this thread: her behaviour is standard and your response is standard. Hey presto she''s in control again and your miserable!

What you need to do is set your boundaries for all interaction with her. For example, if being with her for 10 mins means that you will wind up spilling your heart out, then you ensure all meetings are for 2 mins.If she leaves things around the house for you to find, then don''t let her in the house.

Do not discuss other women, your job, your health, your family, your lifestyle etc etc with her. All of these are inappropriate topics in your current state. Indeed anything other than handover of the children is a superfluous topic of conversation: it will only lead to a negative outcome for you.

In a nutshell: always always do the second thing you think of not, and never, the first!

  • pixy
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29 May 12 #333693 by pixy
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ditto what everyone else says. Keep handovers businesslike and quick, you might even consider doing them in a neutral public place like a car park.

She is playing games with you; don''t join in. And make sure you get that pattern of care for your little one very well established.

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