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InLove

  • scaryspice
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30 May 12 #334001 by scaryspice
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Hi All ,
i am sure this has been covered many times but here goes ...
How long does being in love with someone last?
I ask this because my STBX said the classic ''I,m not in love with you anymore''
When He said it I immediately replied that I was not ''in love'' with him but I loved him deeply.After 25 years of being together I was not ''in love'' anymore , I thought that was more about lust and the beginning of a relationship .He said this to me as I found out later, the day he told Her he was in love with her .She answered with ''I don''t know what to say ''-Her favourite saying about all this ..
Have I been kidding myself all this time about our relationship or was him meeting Her the Eureka moment when he realised he wasn''t in love with me and in his eyes this meant US was over??
Surely you can''t sustain being in love, or am I a heartless ***** ?

  • afonleas
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30 May 12 #334010 by afonleas
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HI SCAREY,
Everyones perception of being in love is differant after being with my husband for 31years it had altered as you said in the beginning lust is a prominant factor but over the years you change and become more like companions did not mean i loved him any less.
When he started his affair i thought my heart would break as the love i felt for him came rushing to the fore,well he did it to me obviously did not love me as much, although to this day still says he does and that he would never find a better wife in the whole world(easy words)while trying to get through this minefield of emotions still maintained my love for him even though hurt by his actions,then last week my EUREKA MOMENT i don''t even like this man let alone love him.
I put up with so much bul--hit over the years its good to be free of him,okay i don''t know what my future holds and maybe i will BE IN LOVE AGAIN maybe not but the most important person to love is yourself,i''m now in the process of learning to do that.
So to answer your question there is a definate differance with loving someone and being in love with someone
luv and cwtches to you:)

  • Canuck425
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31 May 12 #334244 by Canuck425
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I''m not sure. Over the 15 years of my marriage I was so sure that my love for my wife only deepened. I felt like it grew stronger and stronger every day. I felt like I placed her on a pedestal and she always smelled like roses. Honest.

Then, everything blew up. It turns out I never made her feel special. Turns out I was a terrible husband. Who knew?

Was I still in love with my wife. Yes. No question. Now, one year later I would say no. I am not in love with my wife. I do think I love her and care for her deeply. I think I always will. But the attraction is gone. I do not want to touch her, hold her, kiss her, make love to her, etc. It''s gone.

So, this is a bit confusing. I love her but do not want to be with her. Yes. That''s it exactly. Maybe I get it when the leavers say that. When they say "I love you but I''m not in love with you". It''s how I feel now.

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31 May 12 #334246 by scaryspice
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Well Canuck ,mine said in a text afew months ago that ''I do not love you''
It appears he has absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever .
All he said was that he respects me - ha ,if that is what he does to people he respects ....

  • jjones123
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31 May 12 #334254 by jjones123
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I''ve heard it said that there are three types of love: lust, romantic love and attachment. Romantic love is said to last for 2 years and attachment, well, that has the potential to last an indeterminite amount of time. People can easily muddle these three up, causing us no end of strife.

Here''s a great video on the subject: www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/helen_fisher_s...e_brain_in_love.html

Best,
JJ

  • Marshy_
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31 May 12 #334300 by Marshy_
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Hi Scary. Love huh? People have been going on about love for hundreds of years.

But how does love work. This is what I think.

You can be in love with someone a lifetime. You keep love in your heart by thinking good things about them. But love in your heart is like a bank. When someone loves you, they make deposits to the bank and that builds up the account. When someone does something bad, a little is lost. When something very bad is done to you, a lot is lost. And if you are apart from someone, and they do bad things, its usually all lost in time. And what happens to someone that does little bad things everyday over a long period of time is that eventually all is lost. And thats why I think when you hear someone say, I just dont love them anymore and the actions correspond to that. But there has to be a corresponding bad thing to have happened day in day out for that to be so. Say you never cleaned up after you? Stayed out all night? Spent all the money on the horses and lived high on the hog with the household cavalry every night? The feelings for you would wane. In a shortish time.

So if you want to fall out of love with someone, they need to be doing bad things to you and you be apart from you. Or with you and doing bad things day in day out.

This is why the no contact thing works so well. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Thats just in Mills and Boon books.

Actions.
Actions betray us. Words are just sounds. Like what you said when he said he didnt love you. You wanted to hit back. So you cant trust words. But actions are something else entirely.

Anyone can say those words. I love you. There, I just said them. I dont know you and I dont mean them. Sorry. But say I got to know you and started seeing you a lot and started doing things with you and loved certain things about you then perhaps in a couple of years I may start to have feelings for you. Love takes a long time to build as you have to make a lot of deposits in the love bank.

But what does all this mean with regards to him and her? He cant love her. Not in that short amount of time. And perhaps he is delusional? Perhaps he wants to love her? Perhaps he is using this as a vehicle to get over you? I couldnt say. Not a lot of help am I :)

Bottom line Marshy stylee is that no one can spend 25 years with someone and just fall out of love just like that for no reason. There has to be a reason like constant bad behavour. And or distance. Just cos he is with someone new, does not mean that he dont have feelings for you like you have for him. But none of this is the issue. The real issue is that he is with someone new and not with you. You have to find a way of falling out of love with him because you have no future with him and loving someone that you are not with is a waste of love. Tell yrself the truth about him. Have no contact with him and that will help you fall out of love with him. In time. And then your heart will be free to love again and you wont have this bond to him. C.

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