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Can you really be "just friends"?

  • samchik1
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13 Jun 12 #336565 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
So two nights ago my ex and I had a heated Internet chat discussion from either side of the English Channel. It wasn''t quite Agincourt...but not far off. Things got heated but here is the gist.

I finally uttered the "D" word. Said I have had enough and I want it. She had only one major concern - that I agree to pay some of her travel expenses to and from London to swap our son over (on top of the generous sum I''m already giving). I told her no chance...and that has FA to do with divorce anyway. After, many exchanges she ended by saying she loves me as a friend and a person and does want us to be friends. However, she does not love me as a husband or want to come back. I also happen to know she "loves" the other tw&t too. She is not very happy that I will not be friends...but here is why I cannot.

(1) I have woken up and smelt the coffee. I was treated appallingly in the last few months. She conducted an extra marital affair in front if my nose, knowing what pain it caused me. She let me think I was the reason for all this, knowing what pain it caused me. She thought of nobody but herself during this time. Why would I want to be friends with someone who could do that to me?

(2) Wanting to be friends is a thinly veiled attempt on her part (a) to retain the bits of me she might want but get the rest from another guy (cherry picking me), and (b) to make her feel less guilty. I don''t believe it is a genuine wish to truly be my friend.

(3) I have developed a stronger sense of self-respect. I will not allow myself to be crapped on by someone and then turn around and shake their hand for it...period. No more Mr Nice Guy. I respect myself enough to turn my back on those who do me wrong...I see no reason whatsoever to befriend them (maybe some do/can...I can''t and am absolutely fine about that).

(4) I signed up to be her husband and not her friend. That means I am/was not attached to her as a friend. Reconfiguring the relationship into a friendship will take more effort on my part than I care to expend. I would rather concentrate on myself and my son than help her feel less guilty by feigning friendship.

So in my case, the answer to the question is "no" - I can''t be friends. I will never say never...we have a son together...but a businesslike relationship will suffice there for me.

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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13 Jun 12 #336566 by NoWhereToTurnl
Reply from NoWhereToTurnl
OMG she wants her cake and to eat it, and I am female. Serve your Petition asap Sam and then you can start moving on to a new and happier life.

Best wishes :)

  • Crumpled
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13 Jun 12 #336568 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
sam you go for it.......good on you!!

  • epitome title
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13 Jun 12 #336572 by epitome title
Reply from epitome title
Hi Sam

I have read many of your posts and you have really been put through hell, as many have on this site and I am not making light of any other''s personal hells, but I think your posts have let us in to how you really have been feeling with total honesty.

I am so glad for you that you have worked through your pain and anguish and come to the conclusion you have. I am sure you will continue to have good and bad days but you have really looked into yourself and come out the other side so much stronger.

You are putting your son and you first and i really applaud you - well done on coming so far.

Kind regards :)

  • leftwondering
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13 Jun 12 #336573 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering

I signed up to be her husband and not her friend. That means I am/was not attached to her as a friend. Reconfiguring the relationship into a friendship will take more effort on my part than I care to expend.

Spot on samchik.


  • flowerofscotland
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13 Jun 12 #336578 by flowerofscotland
Reply from flowerofscotland
Hi samchik,

At some point in time, and I do appreciate in your case, it is still very early doors in your situation, but, in the grand scale of things, you just say to yourself enough is enough!

To help you conclude the answer to your question about being "just friends", hey hell no, no friend in their right mind who is loyal and trustworthy, would treat you the way she has treated you...like sh!t on her shoes is the only way to describe it.

Part of her strategy is to try and alleviate some of her own guilt is to ''create'' this imaginary world where she has done no wrong and you and her are the next ''Morcombe and Wise'', bosom buddies. This way they try to convince themselves that they are untouchable.

Please do not fall into that trap! It is just that, clap trap! Someone, somewhere has to take a stand and this is your chance to take the high road out and let her lie in her own bed.....

Just remember Dignity and Respect cost nothing and during this process, she has ultimately shown you none of the above...you and us like you, deserve so much better!

Take care for now FoS x

  • Canuck425
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13 Jun 12 #336580 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Sam, I know where you''re coming from. Again, I heard these words well before you did. Like you, I said no.

However, I am going to go against the grain here. My goal is to be very friendly. Friends - it doesn''t really matter. I agree that friends don''t treat each other like that. But that is really just semantics. This woman will be in my life FOREVER. Literally forever. So I am committed to being friendly.

I do not want to be a worry on my kids at a wedding or other family function. We will get along just fine. We will be friendly. It is very important to me.

Can we be friends. Not really, I suppose but it doesn''t matter. We will absolutely be friendly.

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