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  • Down_in_a_hole
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22 Jun 12 #338347 by Down_in_a_hole
Topic started by Down_in_a_hole
Hi All

Now starts one of the worst 24 hours of my life, the last time I felt like this was when I was lying in a hospital bed not knowing if I would be able to carry on work, drive or continue with my hobbies. The person who I was seeing had abandoned me, never visiting me in hospital just text me to say ‘Hope you get better soon and you are able take me to bike rallies this year’. I fully recovered from the accident with the help of my partner even though we were on a trial separation, do not know what has happened in the last few months, she has changed from the person who put her life on hold, work and personal, to help me in my recovery to someone who I can hardly recognise. Would like to hope that this caring person is still inside but who knows.

In just over 24 hours time she will be back from holiday, I have resisted the temptation to call or text to ask when she will be back, don’t know if this is a good or bad thing as she may feel I don’t care and use it as ammunition.

Does anyone think that I should contact her or should I maintain my silence.

I feel like I am behaving in a very self centred manner and that I could be creating bad karma if and when she does come back. I know the old me, strong, happy and emotionally stable is still living inside of me but the old green eyed monster has taken over. If she has chosen to have a fling with a much younger guy then things will never be the same, she will never be satisfied with a 50 year old with the baggage that comes with experience when she can get a toy boy who will pander to her ego and no doubt be full of life.

I feel utterly ashamed with myself for feeling like this, people are coping with the death of loved ones or with terminal illness and I am worrying about her coming home and giving me bad news. There is still a part of me that is optimistic but I am certainly having a bad day.

Thanks to all of you that have helped me.
DIAH

PS Know I should have blogged but my android phone does not support this feature

  • leftwondering
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22 Jun 12 #338354 by leftwondering
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DIAH,

I don''t think you should text her.
You are just showing unnecessary neediness IMO.
If you think about it, normally it is up to the person coming home from a journey to keep you updated regarding ETA or delays etc.

If she texts you first, then reply in the same tone as it was received...ie..No extra "missed you darling" and xxxxx''s to answer a simple text like "Should be back around 15:30".

I''d say don''t act out of the ordinary when she comes back. Don''t be too distant or too gushing and just observe her actions carefully over the next few days.

Don''t feel guilty about feeling gutted.
Betrayal can actually feel much worse than a loved one dying.

LW

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22 Jun 12 #338369 by raybird
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do not feel ashamed of how you feel, the is nothing wrong with feeling like that, and i agree with LW on the other points, take care and stay strong xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Marshy_
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22 Jun 12 #338419 by Marshy_
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Hi down. The no contact thing is not to set precedents or who blinks 1st. Its about protection. And in your case, the protection of your feelings. But at the end of the day, you have to live yr life and do what you want and make yr own mistakes.

Second guessing someone is wrong and wont work. What you are actually doing, is taking your logic and dropping it on someone else''s head. This as I said wont work. And all this nonsense about you being 50 la la la is just nonsense. And what you are actually doing is just winding yrself up. So take a leaf out of the Marshy book of leaves and just take a step back from your feelings and see what happens.

Lastly, we often worry. A lot of people worry. Including yrs truly at one time. But worrying will get you absolutely totally nowhere and fast. All the time you are thinking this and that and coming up with all sorts of scenarios will just drive you nuts. So dont do it. Thats a Marshy order young man.

And very lastly... The things we worry about usually (almost always) never happen. Its the things we dont take care of that fail. Okies? So stop worrying and just sit back and enjoy the footy or the wind and rain or a nice pint or what ever you do to relax. She will come back and if she contacts you she will. If she dont she dont. Thats it. C.

  • Down_in_a_hole
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28 Jun 12 #339744 by Down_in_a_hole
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Hi everyone

Thanks again for your messages of support, just a quick update. She made contact with me prior to flying home, when did she arrive home I took the advice from LW and did not act out of the ordinary just asked if she had a good time etc etc. This shocked her a little as she had expected me to be either angry or gushing but just plaid it very cool.

I let sleeping dogs lie for a day, partly to make sure my head was in a good place and also to allow her time to recover following the long flight, then I said that we needed to talk. I explained that I would be willing to fight to try to keep the relationship alive but with a few conditions. Firstly that there was no cheating on either side, the person who cheats should be the person to leave the FH, and secondly I would not be prepared to be anyone’s fallback plan or plan B. I explained that I needed this for my own sanity and dignity. If she didn’t accept these conditions then one of us should leave the home and the house be put on the market, not a good time to sell I know but I cannot take this much longer. The Third condition was that we should both fight for the relationship and it would not be a one sided battle with me making al the moves.

She agreed to these points and said she had missed me and tried to imagine what life would be like without me, this did not leave her with a warm glow inside. I have said that if I find any evidence of cheating then all ties will be cut and I will NOT be her friend, as friends do not lie or cheat, and in any case I did not invest everything I had worked for to live with a friend.

We are continuing to work things through, at times things have got very emotional, and it may be a bit of an uphill struggle, she has admitted that she may be going through a mid-life crises. If things work out they do, if they don’t they don’t but at least no one can accuse me of not trying.

I will no doubt be back shortly, hopefully to give a positive update or else rely on your expert knowledge to help extradite me from the situation. I will of course look in when able and offer any moral support when I can.

I hope that one day we all find what we are looking for and can find true happiness.


BTW thanks Marshy for not being as tough on me as you are on some others, you have great insight and demonstrate that sometimes tough love is needed.

Thanks once again for all your help and support.

Love and Best Wishes
Xxxxxx

DIAH

Hopefully soon to become Out Of A Hole.

  • leftwondering
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28 Jun 12 #339751 by leftwondering
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Good luck to you both for the future DIAH!

Remember though...

Trust but Verify.

Be quietly vigilant.

Actions not words.

Hoping it all pulls through for you both!

Warmest regards,

LW

  • Marshy_
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29 Jun 12 #339808 by Marshy_
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Hi Down. Thanks for reporting back. Keep us informed of how you are progressing. U may still need guidance. U are not out of the woods yet. But there are positive signs. Green shoots if you like..

Down_in_a_hole wrote:

I hope that one day we all find what we are looking for and can find true happiness.


This is what we all want. And asking for it and expecting it is not unreasonable.

BTW thanks Marshy for not being as tough on me as you are on some others, you have great insight and demonstrate that sometimes tough love is needed.


Thats ok mate. Almost no one gets it right. Including the Marsh. I made a total cods of my year of the troubles. Thats cos I didnt have you guys. If I did, I suspect I would have done a heck of a lot better. But hey, we live and learn.

There really is such a thing as a mid life crises. Most people actually get one. Mine was all about towels and suide curtains. I am over that now. And most people dont notice it. They perhaps start listening to Professor Green and Example instead of Status Quo. I know thats mild. And that is where most peoples mid life begins and ends. But a few people actually go totally off the rails. Leave the long term wife/husband and go a little bonkers. Lets hope, that you have pulled yr wife back from the brink and this is just a blip. Fingers crossed for you.

But as I said, do pop back and tell us how things are progressing. If just to say you are still doing OK. We like to know what happens. Even if its just same, same. C.

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