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The eve of her return from Europe

  • samchik1
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29 Jun 12 #339963 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
I''m sitting here on the eve of my wife''s return to the UK. I have been away for a break with my son, my Mum, and her partner. We spent a week in the new forest and it was great to get away. My son had a lovely time.

I had zero access to the web really...and I kinda have a lot of crap to release on returning. I''m not sure who I''m directing this to...what I''m expecting in response...or even whether I can make any of this coherent...I''m just venting perhaps.

So here goes:

(1) So she''s back from France tomorrow and the thing that has really p***ed me off has been the complete and utter disregard she has shown for our 3 year old son during this whole split. We argued a week or so ago...here''s why...

...she tells me she''s back on 30th June in the UK...and "she''ll want to "exchange" our son at a convenient station" on that date - take him to London for a week or two - because she has missed him while she''s in France.

On the face of it, that sounds OK. It isn''t. This is a 3 year old boy we are talking about...and not a parcel of food I''ve been looking after for her.

After destabilizing his life by leaving our home and moving to London (a massive thing for a small child) she has the audacity to "abandon" him by sodding off to Europe for a month. In that time, he stabilized somewhat again. He got into a routine at nursery, he calmed down, he seemed to be stabilizing again. The only thing that destabilized him during this whole month was her phone calls (when he screams and refuses to speak to her).

I am afraid that just because she has decided to return and wants to play Mum again - it does not mean he does and does not mean he will find yet another destabilization easy. He won''t. So I insist she comes back here...lets him get used to seeing her again...hey, maybe even begins to build the bond she has begun to destroy by sodding off for a month - BEFORE she selfishly packs him off to London because SHE misses him. But it is no surprise to me that she is still thinking of herself before him.

(2) Arrrghhh...the woman makes me so mad sometimes. Second gripe now.

We have been "discussing" how things will work out when she''s back. Our son settled into pre-school on Mon/Tue/Wed mornings. It was her idea to go for these days after this all kicked off and she went to London.

So he has settled back into this routine now. He needs pre-school...he gets social and cognitive stimulation he does not get from hanging around with his Mum or Dad most of the time - at his critical age that is vital.

So...my suggestion was that we don''t mess with that AGAIN...for the sake of our son. She can collect him on Wednesday evenings and have him until Saturday evening and I''ll have him from Saturday evening until Wednesday evening.

But now that''s a problem. She MUST have her weekends free...she wants a part time job and will have to have her weekend free for that (f@~k knows why...part time jobs are not strictly for the weekend you know). So...she wants to mess with his pre-school routine and even maybe "not bother with" pre-school over the summer now.

I''m sorry...but I don''t accept that. It''s not in my son''s best interest and not in mine. I don''t see why she should have the luxury of free weekends at the expense of my son and myself...so she can work and hang out with OM...sorry but I''m playing hardball on that one again.

(3) Despite all of the above reminding me of how my wife could never put herself in others'' shoes...I have still had thoughts of R go through my mind and have sometimes foolishly discussed it with her...WTF is that all about?

(4) If this whole experience has done anything to my outlook on life so far, it has reinforced my cynicism in relation to life and relationships. I honestly believe I asked too much of relationships in my life up to this point. I saw them as something essential - I''m not so sure they are. I believe that they ALL come at a price...and the payment demand is always in the mail...you get it (i.e., you realize what you have lost, been denied, sacrificed, given up of yourself) in the end...by then it''s too late. I truly believe that...and my motivation to be involved in another one is zero. I don''t feel like I want or need another romantic partner.

OK...rant(s) over...sorry to overload you guys tonight :-(

  • Crumpled
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29 Jun 12 #339969 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
Hi sam I feel for you try and stay strong and try not to get upset and angry when you see her again.I know that is easier said than done.
having read your post I would suggest she has your son wednesday night to Friday so that he can go to preschool and she has her weekends free for whatever she has planned.
The only reason i am suggesting this is your stbx is obviously extremely selfish and this way means you are establishing yourself as the major carer for your son which hopefully wil be the foundation for any future proceedings and will stop her trying to step in when she realises the financial implications.
You sound loke a fantastic parent and you are quite right about all of the benefits for your son that he will gain from preshool with his peers especially with all of this stuff going on at home.
Learn to play the game Sam i know that sounds harsh but i am playing catch uyp on that one too.....i hope this makes sense.Good luck tomorrow

  • leftwondering
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29 Jun 12 #339970 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Hey welcome back Samchik!
Glad the holiday went well.

I cannot see any flaw in your argument and think you are 100% right on all counts.

In fact, if it were me, I would go for full custody and see what happens.

I very much doubt on the reconciliation issue as she has had plenty time to think about things, yet still chooses to go back to her own flat, rather than with her husband and son.

(Remember...actions, not words.)

As for relationships, I totally understand where you are coming from.

Good relationships are all about teamwork and not all lovey-dovey wine and roses.

Your wife has dropped out of the team for a bit of flirting fun with no regard to yourself or your son.

Time to start the hardball IMO as she is no longer a wife, a mother or a friend.

You owe her nothing other than her legal entitlement and let her get on with making a mess of her life.

Meanwhile you just concentrate on getting yourself together and looking after your son.

Whether you want it or not, you ARE going to meet someone someday who you enjoy meeting and will eventually want to live with.

I guarantee this.



  • Canuck425
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02 Jul 12 #340449 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Move on buddy. Keep moving on. You''re on the right track. You''re the primary care giver for your son and you have to ensure the decisions you make are in his best interests. I agree with your plan of having her re-introduced into his life. Do it slowly and of turf he is familiar with. I think she has a few things to prove like is she going to be consistent and available.

Don''t talk about denying access. Just lay out what needs to happen for her to gain predictable and consistent access. It is in the best interests of your son to see his mum often and for her to be in his life in a meaningful way!! I hope she can do it!

Reconciliation?! Are you crazy? What part of that woman is attractive to you right now? Ok, so it''s not for me to say but really - I think you need to value yourself a bit more ;). When you get out there you''ll find a whole bunch of nice, and sane, women that will think you''re pretty awesome. Trust me on this one. I''ve dated a bit and it is pretty interesting to see how nice it is to date a woman that isn''t crazy. You should try it!

I don''t want a "relationship" right now either. I''m just dating a few women and having a good time. As long as I am totally honest with them and myself then we''re all cool. So far so good :)

So take care and hang in there. You''ll be just fine. Unfortunately, you married this woman and then had a kid with her so you''ll have to deal with her forever. I know that feeling...

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