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wanting the truth

  • lostlucy
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01 Jul 12 #340232 by lostlucy
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Hi, I apologise in advance now, this has turned into a long rant!
:-my husband is leaving at the end of the month, as yet to tell the children, but the hardest thing I can not accept/comes to terms with is the lies my husband has told me and denied.
He had an affair 6 years ago, which I found out about after a year. He refused marriage guidence at the time. I have never come to terms with this and found it hard to trust him. He asked for a divorce 9 months ago, but only in the last 4-6 weeks has he done anything about moving out. He went away for work mid may and on his return his behaviour changed towards me, coming to bed and waking me up for sex. So not to sound crude but even that had changed. I got suspecious and looked at emails and tweets. Yes I had to get the codes to unlock his phone, which i feel so awful about. With this I have found out alsorts of information, emailing 1 woman, tweets to others, all very sexually explicit. He has also contacted old friends and have started realationships online. There has been exchange in photos, some explicit. I have challenged him and asked if he has anyone else, which again he denies. When I asked to see his phone he said he is entitled to privacy, of course we all are, but when your married i dont think you shouldn''t hide things. He refused me to look at his phone, saying that i should trust him. When i said about the previous mentioned things,affair, his behaving change, he became very verbally aggresive towards me, which is very out of charator.
I now question if he has ever been faithful to me, has the last 12 years of my life been a lie.
How do you move on? I know I wont ever get him to own up, but it''s eating me up. I''m one of those people which it really bothers me. I have been faithful 100% and have stood by him through some very difficult times, when he started suffering with depression, major surgery, just to mention a couple.
My friends tell me he will probably never own up and will lie to me but how do i get through this, is it time? will it be better once he moves out? I''m dreading him going and cry most of the time and hardly sleep,got up at 5am today, which is common. How do I know he wont lie to the children. I hate what he is doing to me and the family, but blame myself as his going because I dont keep a tidy house. He told me he has provided the income, I haven''t provided a home. He makes me feel dreadful about myself, but refuses to help me tidy up. He wouldnt help much with the kids, until now he is leaving. I dont expect him to do the housework, but he could help in other ways, getting up in the mornings, answering calls from kids, get a meal if i''m busy, help with homework. But no he has 2 positions, 1 in bed, 1 on the sofa. I walk round and continually pick up after him and the kids. He often doesn''t throw rubbish away.

Again sorry about my rant, it''s not what I started out to achieve. Many thanks for taking the time to read this.

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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01 Jul 12 #340267 by NoWhereToTurnl
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Dear Lostlucy,

First of all I am sending you a
(((BIG HUG)))
Your situation is terrible and you must be going out of your mind with it all rushing round your brain. As much as it breaks your heart to watch him go, to sooner he goes, the better.

He had an affair 6yrs ago, he is a cheat and a liar, he is doing it again now, leopards never change their spots. You deserve the truth but sadly he is coward that will never take responsibility for his actions.

I have been exactly where you are now and I am someone who was driven to the edge of insanity by his lies and deceit, I also drove myself mad trying to get the truth. For your own and for your children, let it go. You have seen enough to know what he is doing, you forgave him 6yrs ago, now its time to kick him out.

Do not allow him to verbally abuse you, he is the one having an affair and he is bullying you into believing you are to blame. This is a recognised pattern of adulterer''s, It is NOT your fault. Someday soon he will tell you he has never loved you and that he was never happy, another part of the pattern, ignore him please.

My exh last words to me were, "If you had given me a son, everything would have been all right"!, as a doctor you would think he should know that gender of a child is determined by the male genetic contribution.

Its a difficult road but I promise it will be better in the end, living with a partner you cant trust is living in hell. Look after you and your children, stay strong and tell him to go NOW.

You will get lots of support on here
Take care
NWTT X

  • livinginhope
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01 Jul 12 #340271 by livinginhope
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Lucy the 2 main things that I would say is you are not his slave so don''t take the blame for his behaviour,he is trying to put the guilt on you instead of where it belongs which is with him.

The second thing is that although it will be tough when he is gone it will be so much better than living as you are now.You won''t have him putting you down.You will learn to enjoy life again and your self esteem will increase.

Living Xxx

  • Binned
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01 Jul 12 #340283 by Binned
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Im so sorry your in this situation, i am also. My husband left 5 mionths ago exactly the same way. He was acting out of charachter so i did some snooping, first time in 18 years,i trusted him 100% till then. HOw wrong i was, i found disgusting e mails exchanged with an old friend with refference to porn stars he was chatting to online. I felt also our marriage had been a sham and id been lied to. You think you know someone but you only truly know yourself. Be strong ,i have had to be ,ive no family but through friends help youll get throughit, youre the better person, he doesnt deserve you, thats what youve got to believe. My husband ,when i have to contact me sounds very aggresive and tries to make me feel i am the bad one,i dont let him bully me because he is a coward who also wont admit to his affair . Just remember your worth more than this,take care.

  • hur
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01 Jul 12 #340315 by hur
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The August addition of Psychologies magazine has 18 page dossier ''After the affair'' which I found illuminating - the truth is affairs are rarely about sex, but an attempt to solve a problem in the relationship.

I too feel jaded, after trying to support my STBX through depression + add ons, I became the victim of domestic abuse - I am not out of the woods yet...

  • Marshy_
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01 Jul 12 #340362 by Marshy_
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Hi Lucy. I can understand yr predicament. You want him to just tell you. Nothing wrong with a request like that. Just being honest. But of course he wont. But what do you know? You have seen the messages. Explicit ones. Thats enough Lucy. You have all the truth you need. He is having affairs. And I am sorry to say that you took him back. That just encouraged him to do it again. Perhaps you were not strong enough to chuck him out.

And you tell us how you have to clean up all the time. Following him around picking up what he discards. It must be like having an additional kid in the house right?

I can understand that you will be scared that he is going. How will you cope? What will happen to you and the kids? Thing is, and you may not realise this but you are on your own. You have always been on your own. You are doing a J O B everyday looking after the kids. Only now, when he leaves, you will have one less kid in the house and the chances are, you will get along fine.

But I can tell from what you have said that you are not strong sister. And you are going to have to be. To face what is to come. You will have moments of deep despair. Moments when you think that you are very alone. But you are going to have to dig very deep into the strength barrel to get you thru.

Lastly, when we talk about strength its got nothing to do with how much you can bench press. Its all to do with what you have between the lugs. That goo stuff that sits in your head. This is where strength lives. And I hate to say this, but you are a woman (no sh!t shirlock). And women are way more stronger than men are. So chances are, you will be fine. You just have to believe that you can do this Lucy. You can hun. You just have to stare the future in the eye and just be strong. Stronger than you have ever been. And when its over, you will know that life can chuck the whole washing up bowl at you and you will take it all and not flinch. C.

  • lostlucy
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01 Jul 12 #340370 by lostlucy
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thank you for all your advice. It is all so comlicated, is''ent it, for us all.
I will read this magazine article carefully, I heard that last time he had an affair ''there was something missing in our relationship'', but why do some people have affairs and others don''t? Does it give people excuses? Last time it was more that I was pregnant and running round after a 2 year old! That I didn''t give him everything he wanted, and he still wonders why we didn''t have sex for a year after I found out. Is it any wonder why? Not to me, but then I witheld it.
I''m holding up ok most of the time, and know once he is gone life will be much more relaxed even if harder work. The thing that cuts me up the most is the time I shall spend away from my children, I have never left them for long, they are my world. He is already buying gifts, treats for them, which some of the behaviour is out of charactor. He has never been any good with his money, so i can see more debts in the horrizon.

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