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"why are you so angry?"...she asked

  • samchik1
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02 Jul 12 #340526 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
I''m OK...but I''m not OK "really." That''s how I feel at the moment. I felt "OK"...for many weeks...now I''m sitting here in front of my office computer in floods of tears...just like the first day I posted here (about 4 months ago).

As I walk around the campus today I have found myself insulting my wife under my breath...I must look like the crazy Prof on campus who has lost his marbles. But I think these utterances and profanities are some of my raw, primal emotions breaking out.

It''s probably no surprise that this all pops to the surface on the day that she is taking our son back to London for a few days. I wrote her a text this morning...

"Please try to step up and be a parent from today. No more thinking about what you want and need above our son. I''ll be watching with interest to see if you can do that. I hope you can."

She asks why I am so angry and "bitter" (I don''t even know what that word really means). Here''s why I''m angry:

(a) Because the one person I thought "had my back" through everything decided to walk away and let me go.
(b) Because she did that at a time when I feel I needed her most.
(c) Because she did not just "walk away" - she walked into the arms of another guy.
(d) Because she rubbed her relationship with him in my face and continued to see him and communicate with him WHILST living with me.
(e) Because she saw me cry...looked into my reddened eyes...saw how she was hurting me...yet still continued to do this in the way she did it.
(f) Because her and this tw*t both KNEW she was part of a family...but despite that they pissed all over it in favour of momentary pleasure.
(g) Because she turned the world of OUR three year old on its head, then sodded off to France for 5 weeks when he needed parental stability most.
(h) Because when she''s feeling insecure she reaches out to check what she had is still there...when she feels it...she turns her back again.
(i) Because on a selfish level I wanted a secure family unit...and I feel she took that from me (and from our son)
(j) Because I spent our entire marriage supporting her life goals emotionally and financially...in both senses I gave her all I had...then she kicked me aside...
(k) Because I am still financially crippled by her...even when we aren''t together
(l) Because she expects our son to dance to her tune...and does know how to dance to his
(m) Because she made me feel like a sexual failure...in a cruel way
(n) Because what she did reinforced to me that nobody loves you "just because" - and it hurts to realise that...I now believe unconditional love is solely reserved for your offspring :-(That''s sad.

I could use up the entire alphabet...and the cyrillic alphabet too...but you get the gist.

That felt cathartic. :blush:

  • pixy
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02 Jul 12 #340527 by pixy
Reply from pixy
The depth and wilfulness of the cheater''s refusal to understand the consequences of his/her actions never cease to amaze me.

  • leftwondering
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02 Jul 12 #340535 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering

You have just given a list of reasons why you should no longer want her in your life.
Would you WANT to reconciliate with someone who behaved like that?

Your heart misses the family unit and you (of course) want to have that back again, but can''t you see that it could never be the same again? Never


  • raybird
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02 Jul 12 #340569 by raybird
Reply from raybird
oh sam, they really have no idea of what there doing to us, so wrapped up in there `wonderful` new lives, stay strong, youve been doing so well, xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • freefalling
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02 Jul 12 #340600 by freefalling
Reply from freefalling

(o) because you stopped loving me and because you couldn''t be bothered making the effort to reconnect and rediscover why you loved me in the first place.

If they stopped ......thought.....and worked hard at getting back to that place....things may have worked out differently.

Ohh and (p) because your self absorbed and narcissistic.

You''re right the alphabet wouldn''t be enough.

Take care

  • yellowrose
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02 Jul 12 #340633 by yellowrose
Reply from yellowrose
Know exactly how you feel. Four months is such a short time. You will be O.K but you will have lots more times when you''re not. It''s because you can love. Maybe she can''t. I believe that my ex is incapable of loving anyone but him, hence the reason he can behave so callously and wonders why I haven''t moved on.
I would much rather have someone like you.
Stay strong

  • afonleas
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02 Jul 12 #340638 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
I don''t love him,but I don''t hate him either!!I just feel indifferance towards him.
Anger wow!! I got that by the bucketload.:angry:
Angry that he messed around behind my back!
Angry that he deemed it ok to throw 30 yrs of marriage away!
Angry that he made me feel a failure!
Angry that he found it ok to lie to myself and my daughters!
Angry that i was embarressed to see my neighbours!
Angry because he done it before and i took him back!
But most of all angry at myself,for allowing this worthless piece of ---- to mess my head up so much.
Eight months on the hurt is not so severe now,but sorry the anger has not subsided,and truthfully i do not know if it ever will.
Mentally in a much better place ,and really doing ok,with a load of support with some very special Wiki''s,don''t need to name them,they know who they are!!;)xx
I really know whatever happens it''s going to be alright,but also know i will never give my entire heart to someone again,and for that i''m sorry.:dry:
The significant ex has not even said sorry for his actions,and asks why i can be so nasty when this is not my normal behaviour?
Prat !!!wake up smell the coffee I''M angry,
but do not want you back!!!!

Take care Sam of yourself and the little one

Luv and cwtches ...............Afon xxxx

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