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  • Down_in_a_hole
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06 Jul 12 #341565 by Down_in_a_hole
Topic started by Down_in_a_hole
Hi everyone

Back again !

After a brief spell of trying to work things out and many positive signs such as making plans for the future, holidays, work on the house etc I feel as I have reached a brick wall. Feel as if I have been powered by adrenaline, running at 100 mph then a crash.

Had a great time recently with some old mates, although marred by me spilling my heart out at times, then things went downhill fast. This week she said that that she does not feel anything about anyone, including her family, and communicating with people who do not really know the real her offered a little bit of respite. I explained that this was not healthy and was like trying to hold back a flood with a sandbag, she agreed. Then life went in to freefall…………..She had a mini breakdown.

In the space of an hour she went from moments of crying in my arms, telling me she was a fool to have pressed the self destruct button and to consider throwing her life away, by talking to strangers when she should be talking to me and I would be better off with someone new. She offered to help me connect with someone from my past that was now single as I did not deserve to be treated like this. Then the mood changed to anger towards me telling me I had no right to say what she does with her life and who she should communicate with. It was pitiful watching someone who you care about going through this. She then told me she had known for a long time that she was having a relapse into deep depression but has been covering it with heavy drinking and communicating with people who she knows cannot really help her, the night was fraught to say the least.

She does not know if and when she will come out of this depression, she has suffered with this all her life I knew this when I met her so knew one day I would have to face it. She is on meds for it and has been for over twenty years, had the full range of counselling and therapies but obviously to no avail.

I feel we do have a future, maybe wishful thinking, but have to face the dark reality that I may invest a lot of energy and support to help her only to be told that she does not want to stay with me. She has thanked me for sticking by her and many would have run for the hills, adding that I must have the patience of a saint. I am certainly no saint I have a bit of a shady background but put it behind me and made a good life for us breaking contact with those from my previous life.

So where do I (we) stand at the moment, well we are together as we speak, share a home, bed and (to a large extent) a life together. We are due to go away with the ‘trusted friend’ and her hubby to night for a few days. She will no doubt drink heavily with the friend and attempts will be made to push my control to the limits, I am determined not to let this happen and so will not get drunk, I will just be there for her.

Life is a mess at the moment, not easy having a very good looking woman next to you but knowing certain activities are off limits, but self control is the attribute which separates us from other animals so self control is the order of the day. She must trust me as she will come to bed in her underwear knowing I will not take advantage and will even hold me in bed. Just hope the weekend goes ok.

I know people may say I am weak but far from it I cannot see someone I care deeply about go through this, mental illness is a horrible illness and would not wish it on my worst enemy. If I did run for the hills and anything happened I could never forgive myself.

Thanks for reading this long and boring post, as I said cannot blog on my Android phone so have to post this in the forum.

Back Down In A Hole, but trying to get out

  • fairylandtime
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06 Jul 12 #341599 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime
This must be heartbreaking for you (((hugs)))

I have no answers really, sorry. Is your wife under a doctor as if as you say this is a mini breakdown then she needs the doctors help & being someone who is prone to depression then alcohol is the worst thing for her.

I wold definitely have a word with her doctor & in a moment of clarity try to get her there as it just cannot continue like this, for either of your sakes.

It is hard living with someone with depression as you want to help, to fix but there is nothing really that you can do. The person concerned needs to help themselves out of this with the help of doctors, meds if required & support from those around. Otherwise, continuing as a facilitator, with things going round & round.

Sorry not much help, good luck in whatever you decide.

Stay strong JJx

  • leftwondering
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06 Jul 12 #341601 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering

IMO really depressed people don''t go on holidays with another friend and party.
My own wife seemed to push that self destruct button too.
I''ve seen here since she left and quite frankly she is still as crazy and nothing at all like the person I married.
She is still full of anxiety and problems even with OM.

I dunno??

I know that I came up with all sorts of excuses for her behaviour, depression, mid-life crisis, post-menopausal issues, drinking too much etc etc.

At the end of the day she still "done the deed" and effed off with someone else, breaking my heart and hurting me to the core.

You can''t be both a loving partner and personal doctor, psychotherapist, whatever.

Chaotic partners will eventually make your own life chaotic too.

You have a right to live a normal life without all this crap.
You have a right to preserve your own sanity throughout all this mess.

I know you don''t want to hear this DIAH, but somehow I just can''t see a happy ending to all of this...

I''d say stop being her doctor and psychiatrist and making excuses for her and don''t let her take you down the black hole with her.

You can risk your own life by diving in and saving someone from drowning, but if they keep throwing themselves in the river, then how many times are you gonna rescue them before one day the river is gonna take you too?


  • Now Gone From Wiki
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07 Jul 12 #341667 by Now Gone From Wiki
Reply from Now Gone From Wiki
It is terribly hard living with someone with a mental illness such as you have described. I know the medication and counselling may not have helped but if you love her, and if she loves you too, then you should continue trying.

The problem is when you have run out of strength to carry on ''carrying on'' as it is completely tiring.

I suppose there are two questions to consider:

1. Do you truly, in your heart, believe that there is a future for you together?
2. If so, have you got the fight in you to continue to support her through her illness?

I hope for both of your sakes that you find an answer that works.

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