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Happy but sad at same time

  • missguided
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11 Jul 12 #342440 by missguided
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Well just thought i would share something with you all, something i have very mixed feelings about.

Last night my stbx announced that he is seeing someone. Now i had always prepared myself for this (and thankfully thought this was the case so no big shock) and had always thought that no matter how i feel i must put a brave face on and say it was fine.
When he told me i put that face on and told him that it was absolutely fine, he asked if i was going to go mad (wow, he really doesnt know me at all) i said of course not, we''re not together any more, so why should i and what he does now is none of my business. That the only thing i ask is she doesnt get brought to our house (both still living in FMH) as we''d both agreed this out of respect when seeing someone new and that she wasnt introduced to our son for at least 4 months and then only after discussing it with me (i will not have him introducing every girl he sees for all of 2 weeks at a time to our son, its not fair).

Anyway, the point i am making is that i realised that when i was putting my brave face on and saying those words, it hit me that i really did actually mean them. That this man i had loved so much has driven every little last bit of my love for him away so much that when he tells me this i have no emotion over it.
For me i think him seeing someone is fantastic as perhaps he will now put his effort into building something with them instead of trying to make my life even more difficult and miserable, but on the flip side of that i am sad that not only have we got to the point of divorce, but that i had no emotion over it. If you had have asked me a few months ago how i''d feel if he had someone new, i know i would be heart broken, but now....nothing.
How sad that something so good can turn so bad and there just be nothing! Very odd!

Miss guided.

  • maisymoos
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11 Jul 12 #342447 by maisymoos
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You are on the road to recovery and that''s fantastic. If you can be indifferent you have come a long long way.

I think its also great that you have agreed rules on introducing new partners and that it would not be appropriate to bring them to house while you are still living under same roof. Well done :)

  • samchik1
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12 Jul 12 #342674 by samchik1
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Thanks for your post misguided. It certainly rang true for me.

You know, when I met with my ex at the station the other day (so our son could go visit her for a few days) I looked her in the face...deeply into her eyes...and I scrutinised her as she walked away.

I somehow "knew" that she is simply not a person I can spend the rest of my life with. And you know what is even more intriguing? That I think I "knew" this deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down in my soul when we first got together. But I became good at ignoring such intuitive gut feelings and at listening to my morals and values, busying myself with making a family, looking after it, and creating our "life."

I now understand that on some level I needed to listen to that voice, it needed to be heard...suppressing it was not going to be an effective life strategy and only resulted in killing some parts of who I am.

  • QPRanger
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12 Jul 12 #342755 by QPRanger
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samchik1 I can relate to a lot of what you say. I miss my ex a lot, still dream about her and a lot of things remind me of some very good times we had together.

But looking back over the last few years I guess I also knew in my heart of hearts that she wasn''t the girl I could spend the rest of my life with and be happy. After all, she couldn''t tell me that she loved me for the last four years that we were together! Depression set in and I''m not the man I used to be: I''m hoping that with the help of the mental health professionals I am seeing that I can find myself again.

Very sad times.....

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12 Jul 12 #342787 by samchik1
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Ditto...QPR (are you REALLY a hoops fan? - if so, you''re the first I''ve ever met). I got depressed and anxious towards the end...big time...and I now begin to recognise that it may have been because I was kicking lumps out of myself and turning myself inside out, trying to save something that I intuitively knew I didn''t want to save...but felt I HAD to save.

Trust me...I think we might come out the other end of this with something that is "truer to ourselves" than the relationships we were in...just don''t see it YET. But I am going with the motto "Hope for everything, expect nothing."

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12 Jul 12 #342791 by QPRanger
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Yeah I love the Hoops! There''s a few of us around you know....

Good motto mate. I have tattoo''d the first word of it on my forearm and am thinking of getting ''This too shall pass'' on the other one.

Its just so hard to be positive when darker feelings are battling within to take control!

  • jslgb
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12 Jul 12 #342799 by jslgb
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We spoke about this last night miss, but reading your post has also got me thinking.

My ex left for the OW, she issued an ultimatum and he took the cowards way out so i never really had the experience of stbxh ''meeting someone else'' post separation.

I believe in what samchick has said whole heartedly. We will come out of the situation truer to ourselves. I was naive when i met my stbxh, a fairly innocent 18 year old with confidence issues and thought stbxh was well out of my league. I put up with an awful lot of rubbish in the early days and looking back now that set the tone for our relationship. I lost myself during those years although i only realise it now.

When stbxh turns up at my door to pick our daughter up its not the man i knew standing on my doorstep. Everything about him has changed from his lifestyle to his clothes and most certainly his behaviour. I dont believe i ever got the best of him, his first wife probably took that, but the OW has definitely got the dregs. I pity her sometimes.

In relationship terms i found indifference a while ago, although its only now i''ve taken the time to consider it i realise it.

We have to experience the trials and tribulations of yesterday to make a better tomorrow. And our tomorrow can be whatever we want it to be xx

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