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Should I ask for a decision?

  • Jenna29
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17 Jul 12 #343736 by Jenna29
Topic started by Jenna29
Not sure if this is the right place to post but could use some advice. My partner has two children aged 4 and 5, he has been seperated for 3 years. Initially he had the children over half the time, then his ex cut contact altogether for 6 months, it started again sporadically and has now been stopped again. He''s seen them twice for a few hours since Christmas; the last time in March, after which his ex said he needed to take her to court if he wanted to make contact arrangements. He said he would do this, but he hasn''t. He hates confrontation and has admitted he enjoys having no stress from his ex in his life. He very rarely talks about the kids. My daughter is almost 5 and adored his children. She askes me at least 4/5 times per week when we''ll see them again and I don''t want to keep fobbing her off with ''soon, hopefully'' as we clearly aren''t going to see them unless my partner takes action, which he shows no sign of doing. We have a baby together and his kids haven''t seen me since I was just pregnant; the longer things are left the harder it''s going to be on them. We can''t make any plans for our future as I don''t know what he''s doing regarding his kids - is it unreasonable to ask his plans and to be able to give my daughter an honest answer?

  • maisymoos
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17 Jul 12 #343759 by maisymoos
Reply from maisymoos
Hi Jenna

He is your partner you have a child together why would it be unreasonable for you to ask his plans?

I find your situation hard to fathom, you are in a new relationship yet it would appear that you struggle to talk and communicate with each other.

You cannot force him to fight to see his children you can only support and encourage him which I know you have. Tell your daughter honestly that you don''t know when she will see the children again, it is down to their Dad you cannot make false promises.

  • Forseti
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17 Jul 12 #343767 by Forseti
Reply from Forseti
I think Maisymoos is right; only your partner can answer this question, no one else can.

If he decides to pursue contact, Wikivorce is here to help and support him, but only he can make that decision.

A number of fathers seem to allow their relationship with their first family to dissipate once they have a second family. I don''t know why and I''m not aware of any relevant research, but it happens.

Going to court over contact can be very exhausting and very traumatic; it can last years and cost tens or hundreds of thousands. It isn''t always successful. It can become all-consuming and destroy new relationships. This may be one reason many fathers choose the easier option.

On balance, however, with the right advice and the right strategy I believe it is worth it and the right thing to do. I hope you can persuade your partner of that.

If he does decide to fight, he needs to do so sooner rather than later. The more time he allows to elapse without contact the more difficult it will be to get it started again.

Incidentally, it is none of my business, but you don''t say if your daughter has contact with her father.

  • Jenna29
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17 Jul 12 #343895 by Jenna29
Reply from Jenna29
Maisy - We do talk and communicate; I just don''t want to keep bringing up his children and upsetting him. I think deep down he has made the decision to wait until they''re older and hope they''ll want contact/to live with him but he doesn''t want to voice his decision as obviously it is controversial and I guess he msy fear that I''ll think less of him for it. Forseti - Yes my daughter has regular contact with her father. My partner does seem to be concentrating on his ''new'' family which I could (kind of) understand if I was high maintenance and wanted him to cut ties, but I''m not. I would support him to fight all the way, which I''ve told him. I just don''t want to go on about it and force him into a decision either way, but I do feel like enough time has passed now and everyone needs to know where they stand - the children in particular.

  • hawaythelads
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17 Jul 12 #343897 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
Look at what people do not what they say.
If he genuinely wanted to sort out access to his kids he would pull his finger out and do it.
What to tell your daughter?
No you won''t be seeing his kids as he can''t be bothered to sort out them coming round As he''s such a fecking wimp??
That''s the reality though innit?And you shouldn''t lie to kids :blink:

I mean it ain''t that hard you tell her when she asks
"When am I going to see janet and john?"
"I don''t know darling "wimpy" needs to try and sort that out with their mum as she doesn''t let them come to see him anymore!So no point in keep asking.Here''s a choc ice" distraction always a goodie policy with 5 yr olds.
When do I get my honorary phd in child psychology?Anyone?
All the best
HRH xx

  • Emma8485
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17 Jul 12 #343899 by Emma8485
Reply from Emma8485
Haway youre back!

Jenna you have had loads of issues with your partner, he hasnt shown loads of commitment to contact with his kids to be fair, you know this yourself. You sound really genuinely concerned but you cant force him. As alien as it may be to you you may have to accept that he isnt going to do anything.

I hope you and the kids are doing ok its hard going with a newborn!


  • zonked
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17 Jul 12 #343905 by zonked
Reply from zonked
Jenna, my take on it is slightly different.

Your ptr may well decide that the best chance of him maintaining a relationship with his kids is the softly softly, non confrontational approach. And who knows, he might be right. It''s all very well for arm chair generals to chear him on to battle...but at the end of the day, with so much at stake, it has to be his call. The nagging question in his head might be, what if he loses, everything.

As his ptr he probably needs your support.

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