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How do I live with him?

  • taff45
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21 Jul 12 #344463 by taff45
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Hi

Am feeling pretty desperate at the moment and hoping sharing here will help. Heres a quick version of my situation.

My of 19 years, and father of my 3 teenage children says he no longer loves me, want to move out. However he hasn''t yet and we are living together at the moment. I am really struggling to now how to "live" together when we are not together. I still love him and want to work on things to try and fix them. But he just wants out. We are OK with each other, all quite civilised at home, not much arguing. But living like this is slowly tearing me apart.

Today he is going out and taking the children. He says he thinks I wouldn''t enjoy where they are going but I am welcome to come. Just don`t know what to do. Do I need to be separate now? Let him live this separate life he wants and pull away from him? This is so hard and strange, we are still married on paper but not in reality - if that makes any sense?

I would really appreciate any advice from those who have gone through this and can understand.

  • Boo2u21964
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21 Jul 12 #344464 by Boo2u21964
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looking back to a time where you are now I would have gone no question about it, I would think ''if we are all together he will realise what he will miss if he ends this''
Standing here now at the end of the nightmare I would say, Stay away, let him go off alone with the children.
You going will have no impact on the way he feels right now, in my case it would have annoyed him even more with me hanging around!
If you possibly could try not go! spend time out with friends or family!
it would honestly be the best option for everyone!(from my experience) only you really know whats best tho xxx be strong xx

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21 Jul 12 #344467 by taff45
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Thanks for your quick reply and your welcome advice. That really helps.

The logical me tells me to let him go, give him space and maybe he will realise what he is giving up. But the emotional part of me still loves him and wants to be with him. We have just started counselling so I suppose I have to let this help us work through things and accept what will be will be and give him the space he needs.

  • sillywoman
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21 Jul 12 #344468 by sillywoman
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Hi I have 3 girls - 16, 19 and 21 and it is hard being a parent alone.

I eventually had the guts to get rid of my serial cheating husband and at first the sheer getting up in the morning was dificult.

I don''t know how old you are, but the sooner you get him to move out which he says is what he wants, the better for all of you.

The place I am at now is fab - and I wouldn''t have said that 2 years ago!

Better to deal with the pain quickly then let it go on and on which is what is happening with him still there.

My ex told me that I would be jealous beause he would have no stress involved with the kids (he chooses not to see them). Yep, I have the emotional and financial stress, but I have the highs, the graduation recently, the prom and the laughter. All priceless.

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21 Jul 12 #344470 by taff45
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Thanks for sharing Sillywoman.

I am holding out on saying "go" at the moment because we have just started counseling. I feel that this will help us to really see where things have gone wrong and address them in order to move on, either alone or together. My concern is if he goes he won`t come any more or allow us to work on what the counselor suggests. But in the meantime this leaves us living in a difficult situation. But this website is a great help.

  • downland
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21 Jul 12 #344474 by downland
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Hi, 18 months into ''sharing'' FMH with stbx and it is not a good experience or one I would recommend to anyone. He is sticking feet in and any making every stage as long and drawn out as possible but the idea of the gypsy existence of private renting in a ''holiday let'' area is worse - I think - and process without any pressure on him will be even longer.

You also need to think about your children. Time and again I have been told by those who have done this before that after the event, talking to their children, their opinion is that living like this is horrible in long term because of uncertainty and atmosphere (however hard you try there is an atmosphere). My son knows what is happening and is copoing but overall I dont think it is a good experience for him - wish there was an easier way.

As to outings ''together'' ask yourself the question - are you still trying to play ''happy families'' because, sorry this is blunt, you are not any more and cant be until you have resolved your differences, one way or another, and have moved on.

I dont know what you have said to your children at this stage, if anything, but they will sense something is wrong especially if you are left ignored and hanging around on periphery during trip.

Sorry if some of that sounds harsh but there is no easy fix at this time in your life, having said that you will move on and things will improve with time .....

  • revenge
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21 Jul 12 #344475 by revenge
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I would have loved to have had the chance for us to counselling, but my husband decided to tell me he was leaving one night and that was that.
When I started to go for counselling myself because I was feeling so low he offered to come with me. I didn''t see the point as the counselling was for me.
Give the counselling a go as even if you do split up, hopefully it will be on more understanding terms and maybe not with as much bitterness.
I wish you good luck and don''t rush into anything no matter how much feel like it, step back and think things through clearly before you act.

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