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There''s no going back

  • mya
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23 Jul 12 #344729 by mya
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I''m not sure I fully qualify to be here but as the title says, there''s no going back, at least right now there doesn''t seem to be anything more to say than it''s over.

It''s so long and complicated, I''m not quite sure where to start or what to say or what to include. All communication broke down and because of how things were and that he was hiding things from me I thought he had someone else. It made sense to me because what we had was all gone and I missed it desperately and there were all these signs. I figured if we didn''t have what we had anymore he must have it with someone else. I tried to talk to him about how things had changed and he wouldn''t.
So I moved out, there was a build up to it, we then talked and he said he hadn''t, wouldn''t cheat and I believed him, i still do. I had been attacked a few years earlier and had not spoken to anyone about it and I had a bit of a breakdown, he said he would wait for me, that I needed to sort myself out. He doesn''t seem to want to sort himself out. We argue so much, I keep fueling it too as it seems like it''s the only way we communicate. I hate myself for how things are but it''s now gotten so bad that he''s telling me he''s changing his number, he''s also been telling people he is single. I know I probably deserve that for moving out but things were so bad I felt there was no other option, if we''d have been living together these last few months and things were as they have been we''d have killed one another but as far as I knew we were sorting things out with a view to living together and being husband and wife again.
All I''ve wanted from him was some compassion, to be held until everything from the attack went away or just till it stopped affecting me so badly. He''s the only person I wanted with me through it and he refused.
I really don''t know where to go from here, like I said I don''t think I fully quallify being here but I thought someone might understand where I was coming from.
Sorry about rambling, I hope everything makes sense, I start typing then miss things out

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23 Jul 12 #344733 by Cinnabar123
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Sounds like you need some relationship support - to work out why he couldn''t/didn''t meet your needs back then and how/if you can move forward. I guess firstly you need to work out together if there is a relationship worth salvaging. I wish you the very best, being attacked can have devastating effects years on, and often those closest to us have no idea how to support us, and often we don''t know how to ask when we are so vulnerable.

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23 Jul 12 #344736 by mya
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I''ve been having counselling and we also started relationship counselling but it''s a bit hit and miss as we have to see the relationship counsellor at the same time each week, so out of 5 weeks we''ve seen her twice. I feel a lot better about the attack after my counselling, I tried to just ignore it and expected it to go away and it didn''t. Hindsight is so wonderful!
I do understand, to an extent, why he couldn''t support me, he also didn''t know how messed up I was about it as I didn''t speak about it.

I''m just in such a mess now and the one person who can make me feel better doesn''t want me, I don''t know what to do

  • taff45
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23 Jul 12 #344763 by taff45
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Hi

So sorry to hear about your situation. Some of the things you say are the similar to my marriage problems so just wanted to say you are not alone in what you are going through.

With me we also didn''t speak to each other and like you say with hindsight we would do things so differently. Try and stick with the counselling, and maybe if you cant go together try to go yourself. This is what I did, rather than waste a session because he couldn''t come, and this did help me.

I also know exactly what you mean about being in a mess and the person who can make you feel better dosent want to. In my case its the person who I relied on and shared my life with who has blown my world apart.

Keep on posting here. This website and the amazing people here has me so much.

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23 Jul 12 #344940 by mya
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I do quite like the fact that no matter how awful I feel there are loads of people on here that feel just as bad! Although I certainly wouldn''t wish this on anyone.

I just want things to go back to how they were, lazy mornings in bed, cuddled up, not having to get up, stupid mundane, nothing things that wouldn''t mean anything to anyone else.

It just feels now that it has gone to far, there''s so much hurt and anger all we do is lash out at one another. Or the other one is so worked up that everything sounds like the start of an argument.

I''m sorry to hear you''re going through it too. It''s difficult to know what to do for the best then you look back and everything seems clearer to what you should have done instead. He keeps telling me I shouldn''t have moved out but all these arguments we are having now I wouldn''t be able to be under the same roof as him. I also don''t think anything would have changed if I had have stayed.

As dumb as this sounds I''m going to go to the relationship counsellor this week alone as a kind of closure as I don''t think I''ll get anything from him. I''m also going to see him to close our joint account down.

I could go on all night about how bad it all is, I took last week off work to feel sorry for myself, give my head a shake and carry on and this week I''m back to being a mess!

Thanks for your replies, they do help

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25 Jul 12 #345232 by taff45
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Glad your going to counselling, I think it will help, it certainly helped me.

The other thing that has helped me a lot recently is a journal. I pour out everything I m feeling and whats happening into it, it really helps me sort my head. I know others have also found this helps too.

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