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The Prison Analogy

  • QPRanger
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24 Jul 12 #345024 by QPRanger
Topic started by QPRanger
I think most of us could relate to the analogy of being in prison when you are going through a messy and protracted divorce: the loneliness and isolation, the feeling of your life not being your own anymore, every day seeming the same and your life ticking away day by day, the ''how did I get here and why did this happen?'', the end of your sentence seeming so far away...

But the other thing they say about being in prison is that most people say they are innocent: from reading a lot of posts on here over the last month is this also something that most of US feel about our roles in the end of our relationships?

I am a confessional kind of guy and I can freely admit that some of the things I did and said during the last few years of my marriage have majorly contributed to where me and my stbx are now....and the guilt I feel will live with me forever. I can blame my depression for dragging me unknowingly into the dark, but a big part of me feels I DESERVE the punishment and abject misery that I have suffered over the last ten months.

My burning desire to do the right and fair thing since we split has been thrown back in my face by my stbx, and it has taken me a long time to realise that she too has to take her share of the blame for our situation, but I''m so scared to even think about another relationship in the future. Am I a bad person? Is there something terribly WRONG with me?

I always thought that I would make a great husband and I really don''t know what went wrong...

At the moment the doors to my prison cell are firmly locked with no sign of parole...

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24 Jul 12 #345031 by pixy
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Take heart - I am now way further on than you and I am now able to liken my situation to being let out of prison.

The initial stages are tough but you will get through them. As for blame - well it''s a bit like Rashomon, there are multiple realities - yours, your stbx''s, family, friends, strangers. You can blame yourself as much as you want but the blame game is ultimately a destructive one.

I think we all have to come to terms with our own part in the split - in my case it is understanding that by putting up with certain kinds of behaviour I effectively encouraged them. I don''t think I will ever want another relationship but if I do I know that I will have to confront the aspects of my own personality that allowed someone to control my life and friendships.

Perhaps you would find it useful to try counselling?

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24 Jul 12 #345117 by Marshy_
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Hi QPR

QPRanger wrote:

I think most of us could relate to the analogy of being in prison when you are going through a messy and protracted divorce: the loneliness and isolation, the feeling of your life not being your own anymore, every day seeming the same and your life ticking away day by day, the ''how did I get here and why did this happen?'', the end of your sentence seeming so far away...


I never saw it that way. But cool if you want to. Whats the flip side of a sentance? Its the promise of freedom. Its easy to be negative about something. There is a positive to everything. Try to think more positive. It will help your outlook as to where you are.

My analogy is this. Its like being between 2 doors. The one door is shutting behind you. But the door in front of you has not opened yet. But it will.

Bottom line. And you can disagree with me if you like, but you have a future. This future is not made yet. Only you can make this future and only you can put the pieces in this future.

I am a confessional kind of guy and I can freely admit that some of the things I did and said during the last few years of my marriage have majorly contributed to where me and my stbx are now.


No one is whiter than white. Even Mother Theresa must have done something she was not proud of. So dont worry about this aspect. You could have been a saint. And you would still end up here. And what happened would have still happened. This is the way of the world. What will be will be. And there aint anything you can do to change it.

...and the guilt


Guilt is a useless emotion. You did something. Its done. All you can do is learn from it. Guilt will stand in your way and make you cautious where you should be bold if your not careful. So try not to feel guilty. It does you no good.

I feel will live with me forever.


It will if you let it. The only thing that should live with you forever is you. Everything else, comes and goes. But dont carry anything forwards that you dont need to. Lessons. Thats it. Everything else is baggage. Apart from kids of course.

My burning desire to do the right and fair thing


I know I took this out of context. Sorry about that. But you will need that burning desire. And what will happen is that you apply it to everything you do to get out of this mess. Do that, and you will be fine. Get bogged down, and you will stare here for a very long time.

I''m so scared to even think about another relationship in the future.


Ok you will feel fear. But you have nothing to fear. You know what todo. Apply all that you have learned so far. If you do that, you have nothing to fear. The real crime is making the same mistakes again. And not learning these tough lessons.

Am I a bad person? Is there something terribly WRONG with me?


I dont know if you are a bad person. Most people are not bad. Most people are good. So on the law of averages I would say you are a good person. But you can always be a better person. I know I can. Stop supporting QPR for one ;)

I think the only thing wrong with you is the same thats wrong with a lot of us. Me included. We are never positive or rarely see the positive side of something we encounter. And there are positives from what has happened to you. Start with the 1st one. You are not with her anymore. Make a list. And when you feel negativity creeping in, look at the list.

I always thought that I would make a great husband and I really don''t know what went wrong...


If you thought that then you will. If you want something wish it. I want to be a good husband. There I have said it too. But saying is one thing doing is another. And you cant be a good anything if the person you are entering an enterprise with (you being a good hubby) is in it to win it. You cant be a good husband on your own. Thats like me saying I wish to be a good singer in a choir. I need a good choir for me to be a good person in a choir. See? You can be that good husband if you wish it. Just not with this person. This was not meant to be.

What went wrong is that it didnt work. Perhaps for lots of reasons and not this time. But next time probably will be different. This is the thing with success. You have to earn it and you have to try a few things to be successful. And sometimes it wont work out. Ask anyone that is successful and they will tell you the same. Its not yr fault that it didnt work out. It just didnt this time. Perhaps next time. Or the time after that. The world rewards tryers. And if you seek, you will find.

I am sorry that I have been a bit bossy with you. And perhaps a little hard. But its easy to sink into the mire. I know that one. And the secret to any success on your divorce journey is all about how you look at things. And I wanted to shock you into thinking out of the box and see that actually, this aint so bad and you will be all right. C.

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24 Jul 12 #345171 by mya
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I''m not sure if I''m on death row or still waitng to be sentanced!

From what I heard about prison you kind of accept what is happening and do your best to get on with it, keeping your head down, making friends or grabbing every opportunity for either jobs or study. I guess you could add that to your analogy too.
Like others have said, people get released from prison. Take some time to figure out where you are and know that you will take something away from this that will shape you for the future, whether that includes another person or not. I''m sure bank robbers don''t get sentanced and start planning the next robbery straight away!

Just know that there are real life prisoners that will have been looking at the sun today and will not have been able to go out in it, you can.

If it doesn''t work like that I''m sure someone here can bake you a cake with a file in it

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24 Jul 12 #345188 by Canuck425
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I think it''s useful to examine your role in all of this. It is not useful to take all the blame. You certainly had a role but so did she.

I recommend you focus on you and your stuff. I think you need some self love. I find that people who cannot love themselves have the most trouble healing from all of this. Can you look in the mirror (I am serious here - actually look in the mirror), look yourself right in the eyes and say "I am committed to loving me". Really, do it.

Affirmations like the one above might sound silly but they work. I have no doubt that you are lovable. No doubt at all. But what I think doesn''t really matter.

What are you going to do about the future? As Marshy says the future is not yet written. I believe that you have the most say in what will happen. So commit to being kind to yourself and living an awesome life.

You''re worth it.

  • taff45
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25 Jul 12 #345247 by taff45
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Hi

I am in very early stages of marriage issues and have found reading everything here very helpful.

The one thing I wanted to share was a support group I found which you might like to look at. Its called a "divorce recovery workshop" and it looks at lot like this website but with real people and a structure to help you work through things. Heres the link.

www.drw.org.uk/workshop2.html


Hope this helps.

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25 Jul 12 #345259 by QPRanger
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Thank you so much for the responses so far guys and girls: they really mean a lot to me, from people who have no doubt been (or are going) through the emotional/legal/financial turmoil I am currently experiencing.

I wish I had not been so insular for the first 9 months and been on here a lot more!

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