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  • Kazzabell80
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29 Jul 12 #345957 by Kazzabell80
Topic started by Kazzabell80
I came across this site purely by chance one evening when I was scouring the net looking for help. I am so glad that I found you all ;)

My current situation is that my husband of 12 years (together for 17) woke up three weeks ago and told me that he no longer loved me anymore and needed space :(That evening, he told our two children (12 and 10), packed a bag and left. He is staying down his mum''s house. I am fairly certain that there is no-one else involved.

To say that the I was totally devasted is a complete understatement. Don''t get me wrong, I knew that there were problems as he was getting more and more distant which had become more noticeable since Christmas. I repeatedly asked him if things were ok, asked him to talk but each time he said that I was imagining things and that things were fine.

I have been tearing my hair out, totally despairing as my world crumbles around me.

We have been having contact regularly as he has been seeing the children on the days that he isn''t working (he works shift and I do the normal 9-5). We have also walked the dogs a couple of times which I find is good as he is quite relaxed and talks more when we are out and about.

Oh and 9 months ago, I was diagnosed with a degenerative muscle wasting disease. I admit that I did become quite depressed but was just starting to come out the other side and coming to terms with the diagnosis. During my low points, he would tell me that he loved me and promised that he wouldn''t leave me etc etc.

We have just started counselling but the next appointment isn''t for another 4 weeks! He says that he has switched off all of his feelings so many times and just can''t switch them back on anymore and that it is deep routed in him?!

He says that I am the most selfish person that he has ever met. I have never considered myself selfish in the slightest, I live and breathe for my husband and children, they are everything to me.

I really don''t understand where he is coming from. He has brought up the fact that I have been studying for the last few years for a professional qualification (distance learning) and each time I study I only focus on the exams and any spare time I have is dedicated to the children.

I accept that there has been a communication breakdown, but even though I am desperate to have him back I am beginning to wonder that if he does come back, how could I trust him again? I thought that we were soulmates and would be together forever (we have been together since I was 15). I don''t want the relationship that we have had for the last few months - although I have to say that I put it down to my condition and us both adjusting to it.

Even though we are talking and everything is amicable at the moment, I know that I will give it 100% to try to make it work. But I also know that our relationship has been very one sided for a long time. The fact that even now he doesn''t know what he wants is very hard.

He said to me yesterday that he can''t see a future for us but at the same time hasn''t even considered what his life would be like without me. He felt that he had no other choice but to leave as it was the only way to get me to listen to him.

I am getting so many mixed messages. I am trying to be strong but I am in limbo and don''t know where I stand.

I am ranging from hurt, upset, angry, devasted every five minutes and feel like a mug for just sitting here and waiting for him to decide if I am still good enough for him.

At the same time, I just want him to come home and stop all of this.

  • jslgb
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29 Jul 12 #345984 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
Hi Kazzabelle and welcome to wiki :-D

Unfortunately lots of us have been in your situation and limbo is a very familiar place!

Nobody will judge you for how you are feeling, its entirely normal and you are definitely not a mug. The fact that your husband is attending counselling with you is a good step forward but please please please dont rule out the possibility of someone else, even if it was just a close friendship. I am in no way suggesting this is the case but i know a few fellow wiki''s, myself included have found ourselves in similar situations to you now and found out some way down the line there was someone else involved. Until you get to the bottom of your situation it is always worth preparing yourself for every outcome.

You have stumbled across a huge support network with some amazing advice, whatever you need we will be here!!

  • Crumpled
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29 Jul 12 #346006 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
Hi Kazzabelle .......can only really add that i am really sorry that you find yourself here.......limbo is a dreadful place to be in and is heart breaking.
I have to agree about not ruling out another relationship as some of the things you have described are consistent with someone who is having an affair........but i truly hope i am wrong and you can work through this ,,,,,,,,,,,lots of love

  • Kazzabell80
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30 Jul 12 #346228 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
Thanks for the support guys. I really needed it today.

He came around this morning to have the kids (he stays at the house with them all day to avoid any further disruption, plus his mum''s house is quite small) and ended up leaving the house for work in a flood of tears.

He told me that he couldn''t care less how devastated I am at the moment has ''he has no feelings''.

We didn''t row as such but I get the impression that he just doesn''t want to know and that the counselling is just his way of easing his guilt about leaving his sick wife and two children. The more I think about it, the more I think that it isn''t about reconciliation at all. He is doing it to placate me as he still ''wants to be friends''.

He left within minutes of me coming home as he didn''t want to row.

Surely I deserve better than to be treated this way?:(

  • jaw
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30 Jul 12 #346238 by jaw
Reply from jaw
Hey Kazzabell, lots of support for you on here.

Sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. It''s always hard when one party isn''t entirely clear as to the reasons for a break-up.

Your husband sounds very resentful and neglected,for whatever reason. Is it out of character for him to cry...could he be depressed?

As an outsider I would suggest you give him some space and maybe only talk about the children and steer clear of your relationship...

As much as you want answers it doesn''t sound as though your husband is in a place where he can give them just now.

Take care and keep posting

  • Crumpled
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31 Jul 12 #346272 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
Hi Kazzabelle it is very early days for you and everything will be very painful and raw and sadly there is nothing anyone can say to take that pain away.All i can add is it does get easier I promise ..it just takes time you will get stronger and things wont hurt you as much.
Have you considered having counselling on your own it may help you to try and make some sense of the situation and give you someone to talk and rant at.
The wanting to remain friends is a familiar tale...........i am trying not to be cynical but quite often i think this is to make our husbands feel better rather than us and to assuage their guilt........take care

  • Kazzabell80
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31 Jul 12 #346280 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
Kazzabell80 wrote:

and ended up leaving the house for work in a flood of tears.


Sorry, after re-reading my post, it is clear that I gave the wrong impression....it was me that left the house in a flood of tears, not him.

After a long chat with my Dad last night, he is still under the impression that although there is a lot of work to do in the marriage, all is not lost. My OH talks to my Dad and after I emailed my Dad yesterday after the ''row'', he rang my house thinking that I would be there...of course OH picked up.

His take on it is that OH was very positive about things and thinks that the counselling went well and will help. Which is what he actually said to me after the first session but when he spoke to me he also covered himself by saying that ''whichever way it goes'' and ''it may not be the result that you are hoping for''. So he is still undecided.

My Dad is coming to stay with me for a few weeks and arrives tomorrow evening (all my family live abroad), and most of my good friends have moved away from this small town where I now find myself so alone.

I did sleep much better last night but that was probably due to the tablets that the doctor has given me.

Oh and he has said that he feels neglected and wonders himself if I actually really love him or whether I am so upset at the fact that everything else is falling apart around me if that makes sense?

He has this week off and so will be at the house every morning before I leave for work to look after the kids. When I saw him this morning, everything about him was cool, he faced away from me when I tried talking to him (very short replies) and then said that enough was said yesterday and so he had nothing to say!

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