Just seperated

just read this on my mobile i will write some advise tomorrow.

you dont need to read any more mail you know enough already.
shut that computer down or read here only.

try and rest if possible tonight. hard i know weve been there try and rest sbd get ready for advise that m.ay go against your instincts.

thinking of you xx

livingintheday wrote:

HI kazzabell you are so right you cannot fix things with three people in your marriage....will he agree to stop contacting this other woman?............and work with you at counselling?
Please prepare yourself for other revelations to come out this has an all too familiar ring about it........try and stay strong it is so difficult i know...lots of love

I haven''t actually spoken to him directly about it. He has spoken to my Dad about it. He was giving my Dad the impression that he has feelings for me still and that there is hope. Dad suggested that us three talk tomorrow with him as the intermediary (as the counselling isn''t for 4 weeks!). My Dad is pretty objective (although obviously has my best interests at heart), but has some experience in counselling from his time in the forces (although is not qualified). I think that the stance that he is taking is that it is better to talk to each other than him talk to OW (can''t believe I am actually typing that ).

Anyway, rang OH this evening to ask and I had the usual....what do you want etc. Asked him about tomorrow and he just said whatever, if you want. I said that he sounded as though he didn''t want to talk to me and he said ''well I don''t really''.

What have I done to be treated like this? 17 years we have been together, 2 kids and we have been through so much together, our lives are so inter-twinned and yet, it is as if I have never meant anything at all to him.

I am tempted to ring his Mum (as that is where he is staying) and tell him about OW as she said that is the one thing that she wouldn''t tolerate in all this....but, if I do that, she would kick him out and he certainly wouldn''t be coming home to me and our babies

What have I done to be treated like this?

I think the question really is Why do you allow yourself to be treated so poorly?

It''s early days for you so right now your job is simply to survive. Get through the days - eat, sleep and get to the next day. Focus on you.

Be very careful who you tell about the OW because you cannot take those words back. Take some time. Breathe. Think.

On a lighter note. I think it''s time to listen to my favourite song ever on affairs. If this doesn''t make you smile a little bit there you''re in big trouble .

Oh my- I can always rely on this website. Just looked at the u tube video.

Priceless - made me chuckle!

Thanks For that.

Hi Kazzabell you have done absolutely nothing to be treated like this........you will find it hard to remember this as one of the favourite things a cheating partner does is deflect the blame onto their partner to absolve them of their guilt.....ie you pushed them into the affair by your behaviour etc etc this is an Absolute load of rubbish but they will make you feel that it is your fault i think it is their way of being able to live with themselves.
Your husband is probably in the affair bubble at the moment where he sees everything wonderful and exciting with the ow and therefore have no interest in their old partners at all.............i am sorry if i am being harsh i dont mean to be i am just trying to spare you some of the heartache i have been through ..............it is good (although you wont feel it) that you have found out about the ow now at least you know what the real circumstances are with regard to him leaving the family home be prepared a person having an affair ...will lie and lie about anything and everything so be very careful and take everything he says with a massive dose of salt .
AS you have a long wait for counselling have you thought about using another couples counsellor i speak from experience we initially went to relate and had to wait six weeks between appointments which in truth was a disaster...i found someone in our area who was highly recommended on the internet and she was brilliant and i wish i had found her sooner.....lots of love

I hadn''t actually thought about another counsellor.

I did ring relate yesterday though and asked if there was anything that could be done and highlighted that a 4 week wait for counselling will be detrimental.

They only do sessions in my town every Friday between 12-2 (it is an outpost centre) and the counsellor is only available then. Apparantly, the counsellor that we have is the only relate counsellor in this area. The appointments line did try to look at the next nearest centre but that was also completely booked up too. They (the appointments people) are going to speak to my counsellor and see if there is anything that they can do ie phone counselling or something and they will ring me later today.

I will see what today brings and then perhaps look into some other form of counsellor if I have to.

I am going to ask OH to cease contact with OW (as much as possible anyway, as they work together at weekends). If he is even considering saving the marriage, then I don''t think that is an unreasonable request. If he is unwilling to give this ''platonic relationship'' up or at least distance himself whilst we try and work things out then it is clear what his answer is - he had told my Dad that he has only started talking to OW since he left me, so 3 weeks. I am obviously not going to let him know that I know that he is confiding in her as that would be a breach of my Dad''s trust.

My Dad asked him yesterday what he would do if he did go down the divorce route. OH''s responce was that I would get the everything, house etc and that his salary would be paid to me to ensure the childrens future and that he would only live on his wages from his bouncing work. This just proves to me that he is not living in reality, he has given no thought at all to the ramifications of his actions. He seems to think that if it came down to it, he can just have a Clean Break and that he would be able to start over (they were his words).

It might be worth asking your gp whether they have any couples counsellors they would recommend....also i think there is a counselling register......
it sounds like your husband is having some sort of crisis and it is possible this other woman has come along at a time when he was vulnerable and now he is confused about his feelings etc etc......is it possible he is depressed?.....try and get a counsellor asap it may make all the difference ...lots of love