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Just seperated

  • revenge
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03 Aug 12 #347086 by revenge
Reply from revenge
You could ring the Samaritans, until you can get in with a counsellor it might help you make sense of things.
I would advise anyone to try and work through their problems, as I didn''t get that chance. My husband blamed me for everything the night he left, the next weekend I found text on his mobile from ow, saying things like love u always n forever, missing you like crazy, I didn''t confront him on this I left it a couple of months, then I went to the ow house and gave them a surprise visit. I went in the morning so he couldn''t give an excuse that he''d just popped in for coffee.
He swore blind they didn''t have a relationship until he left me( don''t know what he calls a relationship) he went to her house the night he left me and he''s been there over a year.
Knowing the man I''ve been married to, I really did believe him, because he is a really nice person.
I know I was really down for sometime before he left and looking back now I can see that he played a big part in making me feel that way.
There was a change in him with me and family and friends.
After all the blame he put on me I took it and thought he''s right, I have been like that, and I took the blame. I now realise that he was trying to do anything to cause an argument.
After 10 months he turned to me and said ''I just didn''t love you anymore'' well thanx why didn''t he say that instead of blaming me.
I asked him to go to relate with me the night he left, he said no, there''s nothing to talk about. 8 months later when I was seeing a counsellor through my doctor, he offered to come with me, what was the point him doing that, I was seeing her to help me get my head around what had happened.
If your husband is interested in saving your marriage go for it. Both write a list of what is bothering you, your likes and dislikes about each other and what changes you would both like to happen.more importantly listen to each other. Good luck.

  • Shoegirl
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03 Aug 12 #347089 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
My honest opinion for what it is worth based on my own experiences.

My Stbx spoke to my Mother shortly before he left. He simply was not honest and it gave me false hope. It''s very unlikely that a spouse is going to be honest with the in laws about an affair and his feelings about their marriage.

A counsellor will not save your marriage if he does not want to be in it. Think about what his actions are telling you. You are the one chasing the counsellor, your Dad is trying to support by talking to him. Your husband is still merrily seeing the other woman, hedging his bets whilst everyone else is running around dancing to his tune.

He''s not volunteering to stop seeing OW, you are having to ask him to do so. He''s saying it''s platonic, well his behaviour would suggest its a great deal more than that as he is putting a lot at risk for a mate. He''s already lied about the OW, you found out and it is likely he is going to tell you the minimum amount of information.

I''m saying this because I''ve been where you are and I''m sorry if it upsets you or feels harsh. You can''t make him want to be with you. I am giving you a virtual hug as I say this.

I''m afraid to say you are possibly entering a battle you can''t win. A new relationship feels exciting and many report here that they have to watch with horror as the spouse goes and there is nothing you can do about it. Feeling the helplessness and the utter despair makes you want to do something, anything to save your marriage. You perhaps need to consider whether you are standing alone fighting for your marriage and your husband is merely going along with this activity rather than jointly working on it with you.

What I am about to say comes from experience as many have already commented and I am going to say a similar thing. The only thing you can do is concentrate and focus on you. Stop asking him anything, just let him come to you. Be silent on the whole issue. If he wants to save the marriage, this will soon be clear. Let him do the talking and I''d be tempted to have the attitude ok so when you know let me know but by the way I am not prepared to let this indecision continue for more than a couple of weeks, oh and by the way if you are still seeing her, I won''t engage with you on the marriage. You actions have consequences in that regard so you need to work all this through yourself no one can do that for you. So until you have something to say, let''s leave it there. I would not let him see tears, be clinical. Take some of the power back.

Many cheaters try to hedge their bets for a while until they are confident of the new relationship. Not acting and letting them get on with things is counterintuitive but at the moment, your husband will be feeling very powerful with everyone running around after him and wanting him,you, the other woman, your Dad wanting to discuss things with him. My advice is stop, let him go if he wants to. Then see over time how he is when the safety net is removed.

Because the more you push, the more he will pull away towards ow. Now is the time to stop and do nothing except take care of yourself. Oh and that counselling? Id go alone for now.

  • taff45
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03 Aug 12 #347099 by taff45
Reply from taff45
When my husband first gave me the "I no longer love you speech" I contacted relate and the Samaritans. This might help you whilst you look for a counsellor.

You can have an online conversation with someone at Relate. This is free, just go onto their website www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html and choose the "live chat" option on the left hand side. I did this a few times and it did help.

I also contacted the samaritans www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx
and you can send them an email and they will respond - it dosen`t have to be a phone call. However I did find the relate option more helpful.

Stay strong.

  • Kazzabell80
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03 Aug 12 #347122 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
I have just made an appointment with my Dr. Mainly to get something to help me sleep - I had a promotion at work and start on Monday and I just know that I am going to be in bits and will find it hard to concentrate. This is one thing that I am not letting him take from me.

I might see if she is able to suggest anything else.

I am very apprehensive about this afternoon''s meeting with OH. He always seems very cold when talking to me, but to everyone else seems fine.

I know that it is still early days but I need something from him to show that he is willing to commit to try and make this marriage work and I think that if I don''t get anything from him today after his month to ''think'' then I really can''t see a future as there is little point in only one of us wanting to salvage it.

I am at the point where I think that I have given him enough time to consider his options and if he is still undecided after all this time, then perhaps I need to find the resolve from somewhere to distance myself from him and the games that he is playing.

It isn''t fair on me or the children to just sit and wait indefinately for something that may never happen.

  • Crumpled
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03 Aug 12 #347220 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
Hi Kazza...good luck with your appointment ....

  • Kazzabell80
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04 Aug 12 #347320 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
Thanks LID.

Dr''s appt went ok, got some sleeping pills (which I will only use if necessary but just knowing that they are there is a comfort). Dr also said that the new job could be a good thing in light of everything that is happening, it has the potential to be a fresh start if I need it to be.

The meeting yesterday was a complete disaster. Ended with him storming out, although we did talk for about 1 and a half hours. My Dad took us through the stages of our lives together and tried to be as objective as he possibly could under the circumstances.

He kept on saying that he still didn''t know what he wants. But he did say that he didn''t want to be in this house with me.

Each stage on our lives together didn''t really throw any light onto the way that he is feeling. Until he started bouncing. He got aggitated and started to interrupt me when I was speaking etc.

It ended with my Dad saying that there are options as to the way that we go from here a) walk away from me altogether or b) try to make the marriage work.

He took this as an ultermatum and stormed out :(

My Dad says that in all his experience he has never come across a situation like ours. There appears to be no logical reason at all.

I am beginning to think that he has a pshycological disorder. I am deadly serious about it too.

His mother had issues years ago and I can see a trend that he is following (she kicked her two children out - including OH) and they didn''t speak for years. Only beginning contact again when our eldest was born. She still doesn''t speak to OH''s sister and even to this day lays all of the blame squarely at her feet.

I spoke to his mum last night, she says that she could see the unhappiness of her son but didn''t want to say anything. She can also completely understand why he has left and how he feels at the moment. She says it took her years to get over it when it happened to her.

I tried to explain that we don''t have years''. Especially if there is some other woman sniffing around my husband and he is confiding in her ''as she listens''.

It was like talking to a brick wall.

  • rasher
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04 Aug 12 #347337 by rasher
Reply from rasher
Hi Kazzabell

I feel for you, especially as I can see you desparately want to believe the apparent messages of hope hes giving out. However the best favour you can do is open your ears to some of the posters who have already replied to you who have been through similar experiences.

No one wakes up one morning and moves out just because they ''dont know how they feel anymore''. His attitude towards you speaks volumes, you are currently the fly in his ointment. He knows its wrong to want out on so many levels but in his mind its only wrong because you are there making it wrong. He will say anything to your family and others so they dont turn against him. His own family will be sheepishly sorry to you but ultimately will back him.

Right now he wants out and the only way thats going to change is if he wakes up and realises whats at stake. You are not the right person to make that happen (at least not directly), hes blaming you for everything going wrong - a common ploy but to save your sanity dont even bother trying to defend yourself against the litany of your short comings, according to him. If you want to hang in there, your best bet is working on the basis of ''set it free and if its yours it will come back to you''. But you also need to toughen up a little too or this will cost you more than your marriage. A very good bit of advice is to reduce the direct contact - all he is doing is turning all your heartfelt moments into more evidence why it doesnt work. Stop that type of communication and you will find he wants to talk to you. Then you need to decide if you want to talk to him. Meanwhile you need to sort out a support network for yourself as you sound a bit isolated. Maybe you didnt need it before but you do now - no matter how small the town theres people there who could prove to be good friends. You sound to be doing well in your job and you do need a place where you can focus; do well and be appreciated as the one thing this sort of experience does to you - is make you question your self worth. Dont let it as it will take you low and make you ill. Dont bother trying to compete with the object of his affectations - theres no point - it will be what it will be and might not seem so special when you arent allowing him to portray you as the ball and chain.

I know this is really tough stuff and you sound like you are trying everything you can to respond to the crisis. But until hes willing to come to the table with honesty - you really will be on a hiding to nothing. Youve made your position clear now its time to step back and let him work out what he wants.

Best wishes

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