Just seperated

Hi Kazzabell I so feel for you as i could have written all of your posts and now i am eighteen months into this....even down to the psychological disorder....my husbands father and his sister both did the same thing to their partners at exactly the same age.My stbx is having a massive mid life crisis like his dad before him ......my individul counsellor suggested my stbx had depression apparently there is one form that makes you act out of character etc...sadly i am coming to the conclusion that my husband just doesnt want to be here anymore even though we have been the greatest of friends for the best part of 30 years...he is so different now even to our children who just dont get it ...........
I am so sad for you i can feel your pain coming through your posts and i wish i can offer some solace............sadly this is such a hard journey......if i can offer you any practical advice at all i ould suggest even though it is virtually impossible with children that you reduce contact with him to virtually nothing....this may sound like you are handing him to the other woman but in reality this is to protect yourself and your own sanity..........
get your own counsellor.......go to the couples counselling but protect yourself as well....i know it is very early days but depending on how things go find a good solicitor and get some general advice.....not to start proceedings or anything just to give you information again to protect yourself and your children..............i will be thinking about you....lots of love

Hi Kazzabell,
Five years ago I found myself in a similar position as you. Husband told me he no longer loved me, was confiding in a friend from work, but it was just platonic, of course. He wanted us to split so he could get his head round what he wanted in life.
I begged him to stay, said I couldn''t live without him etc..So he stayed. Bad move.
I discovered notes from his ''colleague'' saying how much she enjoyed the time they spent together & the SEX !!!
He had an ultimatum from me to give her up, which he did.
For the last five years our relationship has been non-existant & he moved out four months ago, to be on his own. He is still unhappy.

I tried so hard to make him love me again, but got nothing in return. I don''t think he had the guts to leave me, but it would have been kinder in the long run to have done just that. We had been married for 30 years when he left & I know he didn''t want to hurt me, but in the end I realised things were not going to work so I told him to go.
If your other half is trying to be kind by letting you down gently it is so hard. You will be trying everything to put things right, just like I did. If he doesn''t want to be with you any more he should be honest & tell you.
Having said that, every time I see my OH
I can''t help wishing things could be different. He still doesn''t know what he wants in life & thinks he''s going through a mid-life crisis
It''s all so sad
Thinking of you,
Love Sprat

Hi Kazzabelle,

Just wanted to add my support - I have been where you are & it''s a really truly terrible place to be. My ex was having an affair then when he said he wasn''t "in love" with me anymore it was the start of a 2 year process which ended up with me finally moving out & leaving him to it.

We never got back together in the end, but oh, the games he played - keeping me dangling & making false promises over & over & over again whilst still maintaining his relationship with the ow. We went to counselling where he would hold my hand & on "dates" where I started to believe, but then it would all come crashing down when he flounced off to see ow. It was almost the end of my sanity. Like others here, I realised that he was just keeping his options open whilst he worked out who would give him more sex, cook him more dinners, whatever!

I finally saw the light & moved out a year ago & although it was so so hard to finally make that call, I instantly felt & still feel such relief that I am no longer part of that game. He still "misses me" & has made countless feeble attempts to keep me in his life in some fashion (even though he''s now shacked up in the FMH with the ow). His most recent suggestion is that he comes to my house to see the cats because he misses them too. Not a chance in hell - I owe him nothing & I think it''s less about the cats & more about seeing what I am up to.

I have since thought about the whole sorry mess a great deal & realised that if he couldn''t "choose" his wife of 13 years over some tart, then he wasn''t worth my tears. I knew that I deserved better & you deserve better too.

I suppose what I''m trying to say is don''t let this current limbo situation go on indefinitely. I know just how hard it is when you want everything to be back to normal & the nightmare to end but be stronger than I was & take some control. Try to distance yourself from the games & give him a deadline - then stick to it. I promise you will feel a tiny bit better once you take some control back.

Hugs.

Dazed x

Hi guys.

Thanks for all of your support in my hell that is called my life.

He came around today to see the kids. We had a talk and although he has said nothing different to me today than he has been saying all along ie I don''t want to be with you anymore, I don''t feel anything etc. I am now actually beginning to believe him....and I feel so much better in some really strange way. I know that it has only been 4 weeks, but he told me that we are categorically no longer in a relationship and we may never be again.

I think that perhaps I hadn''t been listening/believing him before I don''t know, but I feel a little relief. Obviously it is really not what I want at all but I know deep in my heart that I cannot change his mind.

We have agreed that he has the children whenever he has days off work (this is mutually beneficial as I work as well). Plus, there is nothing more important than my children and their welfare, plus he is their dad regardless of how abandoned I feel.

He has said that the children are his priority and he wants nothing from this marriage - none of our savings, none of the equity from the house, the dogs - none of it. It is mine as it secures their future. I still am not quite sure that I heard all of this correctly! He surely can''t be thinking straight, can he?

He still wants to do the relationship counselling though and I have agreed, although I am not pinning all of my hope on it as I was before.

Perhaps I have toughened up like some of you have advised. I am just glad I don''t feel like some pathetic desperado anymore(well, for today at least)

It''s a long road with many ups and downs so take care.

I am sure he means what he says about money right now. However, he may change his mind. Best to get these things in writing. Also, you should think about what is fair so he is not destitute either. Hopefully there is a way that you and the kids can be financially secure and he can have enough to live on as well.

The advice remains the same. Focus on you. What makes you happy. Where you want to be and how you''re going to get there. It is so easy to spiral into thinking about the stbx but it is just not useful.

Good luck!

Thanks Canuck - you seem to be full of good advice for everyone.

I was thinking exactly that re getting it in writing, although I didn''t think that it would stand up legally as I read somewhere that any financial agreement you come to between the couple, if it is not done by court order or mediation or whatever, then it isn''t worth paper that it is written on.

I agree that I wouldn''t want him left destitute. But there is also the consideration that he may be the sole beneficially to his Mum''s house and she could easily sign this over to him...making his offer to me sound more logical (and affordable to him).

Her house was actually on the market and she was going to sell and pay for a conversion on our house for her to live in, a kind of granny annex, so her signing her house over to him is not as far fetched as it may sound.

Hi Kazzabell i an only re-iterate what canuck has already said that you will have good days and bad it is a slow process but eventually you do have more good ones.
It is good he still wants to do the couples counselling because at least if you can not reconcile you may be able to do everything amicably which would be the best thing all round........
lots of love x