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How to finally end it when living together..

  • sunshine5050
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07 Aug 12 #347836 by sunshine5050
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Hoping for some advice please. I told my husband I wanted to end our marriage a month ago now. I won''t go into all the details but no-one else is involved or anything major like that. Just the trials and tribulations of our relationship took their toll. Unfortunately he loves me a lot more than I feel for him and is understandably finding it difficult to accept. Over the last couple of weeks there has been a lot of anger on his part which has made me very frightened at times as he has quite a temper and has threatened all sorts. He has said he''s trying to find somewhere else to live but it won''t happen overnight. To try and keep his temper at bay whilst he is still living at home I have been acting like a perfect "Stepford Wife" and doing everything to keep him calm. However, this now seems to be backfiring and he now thinks we can make a go of things again. I dont know what do to as I really dont want to stay married to him, especially after the potential violence has come to light now. However, how do I tell him this knowing that he won''t leave straight away and he will continue to make our lives a misery. I have two teenage children at home (mine not his) and they are keeping out of his way as much as possible as they just want him to leave now. Any advice gratefully received.

  • happyagain
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07 Aug 12 #347845 by happyagain
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Sunshine, feelings run high when relationships end and I think it is understandable that your husband''s reactions are turning to anger. A month is not a long time in the scheme of things and he needs time to come to terms with this, particularly as you have said that he loves you more than you love him.
Try to see this from his point of view - the woman he loves no longer loves him, and to boot he will lose his home and probably suffer financially too. This is a lot for someone to take in, especially as it was not his choice to end the marriage.
Who does the house belong to? Is there anywhere you can go in the meantime to give him a bit of space and so you can have a breather?

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07 Aug 12 #347847 by sunshine5050
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Thank you for your reply. I know its really hard for him and its breaking my heart too seeing what I am doing to him, but I just know that if I back down now I''ll be feeling the same way again in a few months time and feeling trapped.

The house is mine so I cant leave. I would definitely leave if I could. But he has told me that if I go away, even for a few days, things will turn very nasty and he won''t let me back in the house again. I know he would have to eventually but I don''t have an option of staying somewhere local for a period of time. I''ve asked him if he''ll stay at his mums for a few days just to give us a breather as she lives in the same town but he refuses to do this.

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07 Aug 12 #347849 by happyagain
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Is there nothing that can be done to save your marriage? It is clear that you still care for him.

  • maisymoos
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07 Aug 12 #347850 by maisymoos
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Its very hard living under the same roof when a marriage is breaking down, but I can totally understand him refusing to leave until the financial side of things are sorted. He has no incentive to do so especially as he does not want the marriage to be over. Its not going to be great for any of you for a while. You seem certain that the marriage is irretrievable? if you are set on this you really need to start divorce proceedings and get the finances sorted as soon as possible.

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07 Aug 12 #347853 by sunshine5050
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Thanks both. I do still care for him but we are two very very different people with very different life styles and I''ve just had enough of trying to be something that I''m not. We argue about the same things all the time and I just want a peaceful life for me and my girls. Deep down I still have feelings for him but they are not strong enough to overcome everything else in day to day life in my mind. He sees it differently.

I dont think there''s much to sort out financially. He says he''ll force me to sell the house as I''ll have to buy him out but there''s not much equity in it and we also have a huge amount of debt so I think the two cancel each other out in effect. I''m getting some legal advice on this side of things later today. If my suspicions are right and he won''t get a pay off from me I''m not looking forward to telling him that as I suspect that will spark the anger again but I guess it needs to be done.

  • TBagpuss
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07 Aug 12 #347854 by TBagpuss
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I think what maisymoos says is right. If he is hioping that you may reconcile then starting to take practical steps towards a divorce, discussing finaces etc all send a clear signal that no, you meant what you said.

It may be worth looking into mediation as a starting point to tryto discuss these issues and see whether you can ome to an agreement.

It is very hard to live under the ame roof but it is not in his interests to move out - indeed the normal advice that is given to anyone in these circumstances is not to move out if it can be avoided, as it tends to have practical effects even if it does not affect the legal rights you each have.


I would suggest that you try to stop ''looking after'' him (if you are doing) - i.e. explain to him that while you understnad he is not intending to move out, you do consider that you are separated so you will not be doing any cooking, cleaning, washing or shopping for him.

If you haven''t already done so, move into separate bedrooms.

If he is violent or you are in any fear, speak to a solicitor or call the polcie (epending on the situation) If he is vioelnt or you are threatened it may be possible to obtain an innjunction to force hm to leave, if a court is satisfied that this is necessary to protect you and the children.

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