getting psychiatric help

Hi, my marriage is falling apart, threats of divorce etc. We have 4 children, all under the age of 11.

Now, without going into too many details, I really feel we need counselling and psychiatric help to resolve our issues. The problem is my wife refuses, and recently she claimed she saw a psych and he claimed there was nothing wrong with her, so she gets the validation she needs. I have no idea what she told or discussed with him for him to make this conclusion.

The reality is she is from a very damaged family, her parents engaged in horrific violence and abuse to each other, physically and more. Truly horrific. She is clearly impacted, she tried suicide at 8 years old and again as she got older. Since we married 13 years ago, she has a history of self abuse - scratching arms and legs to point of bleeding, hitting herself, punching self in the head, headbutting walls etc, which I found disturbing and had no idea how to handle.

I was also subjected to physical abuse, punching, kicking, spitting in my face etc. I realise now I also suffered severe emotional abuse - a couple of years back when I finally decided the problem cannot always be me causing her to act like this - I discovered the symptoms of abuse and abusive people and she ticked every single box available. When I realised this and confronted her and refused to take it anymore, she finally agreed to try to change (well she agreed to change a hundred times before) but the real change was I refused to accept it.

I never let her get away with hitting me again, and she stopped. I dont let her verbally and emotionally abuse me, and that has not stopped, but I no longer fall for it and blame myself. I call her out on it. I rarely lose my cool, am a very calm guy.

So her behaviour has a different outlet, and that is she has convinced herself that the reality is that I abuse her, that my family hate her and abuse and threaten her (that is laughable), and that she is a victim and she claims I am the abuser. She threatens to call the police - Now I hand her the phone and ask her to do it if she thinks it is right - she never does.

She never puts the kids first, she drags them into her mental mess and they are very anxious and timid kids, though still quite happy most of the time. She never considers them when showing violence to me, she does it infront of them. When letting out her anger towards them, her claim is they need to know that they can make people angry and they have to understand that it is emotion and have to deal with it.

Anyway, the only way forward, is for us to get real counselling, get all the issues on the table, and try to resolve them. I am fully prepared to support her all the way. The problem is she cannot accept she plays any part in all the problems.

I have offered to undergo the same psych assessment as her, but still no dice.

My family is falling apart, I tried to approach her family for support - her mother now shows a different side to the friendly person she has been all these years - now she also verbally abuses me, blames me for everything, and says I harass her daughter.

When I brought round family members to try to move things forward, the first meeting she was asked what she wanted me to do to improve things - no lie she said I should clean the kitchen and empty the dishwasher more, so I did.

The next family meeting (again instigated by another bout of verbal abuse from her mother to me in my own home) when asked what she wanted me to do, she said more cleaning around the home.

To me this is someone who will not see the deeper issues we have, and thinks superficial things will help.

By the way, I have provided well for her and my kids, she has had maids, housekeepers, very very expensive cars, kids always been in private school since kindergarten, she has designer clothes, she has never ever had to work, I provide everything, pay the bills, happily, and also spent a lot of money to pay off all her pre marital debts - she can never get credit as she has a horrible credit history.


Anyway, sorry for the long story - my questions are as follows

1) how can I try to make us move forward with this psyc support and counselling when she refuses to think there is a problem?

2) if we divorce, I am very concerned about the kids mental health, my wife is already the product of abusive and damaging upbringing, she cannot see the cycle, I dont want my kids to be brought up with similar damage. I have never raised my concerns with the authorities, as she asked me not to because it would be on her record. She is a schoolteacher by training. What can I do to protect my kids- if we divorce I dont want them to live with her and continue her cycle.

Thank you ever so much.

Progressor.
Welcome to wiki,but sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us.
Just by reading your posts,you seem to have a lot happening at the moment,so sincere thoughts and wishes that these issues can be sorted swiftly.
Regarding your wife''s state of Mental Health if you really are concerned about this you should contact your sol asap,if she is the main carer for your kids,their safety is paramount in a situation like this.
Neverless you should contact your sol about all of these issues,you really do need some clarity about your legal rights,but also there are some wise ole souls on here,who can point you in the right direction.
Sorry that i can not offer you anything constructivly,all i can offer is support as other wiki''s will,and know that you are not alone,we are all in it together.

Take care
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xx..............................

Progressor,

I have just been posting on your financial thread and now have found this one. Your wife has had a mental assessment and medical teams are not stupid when it comes to domestic violence.

I know that this is something that you will not want to hear and often times woman are in this situation for years and years (including me) and fail to do anything to protect themselves but especially anything to protect there children.

It is your job to protect your children.

My son now 20 asks me constantly why I did not do more to protect him from his fathers constant abuse during the 17 years of my marriage to him.

All I can do now is to tell him that I realise now that I was wrong but that I didn''t properly understand his fathers motivations at the time.

I gave my husband all the chances and the excuses under the sun. I excused his increasingly violent and abusive behaviour towards me and all his children on a sad and lonely childhood (his mum died when he was seven and his father left).

Still nothing excuses anyone for violence. I have had 17 years of violence and all three of my children have been bought up in abusive family but non of my children are violent and I have not become violent as a result of abuse.

I also excused my husband as I thought him similar to my Dad, my Dad was subjected to a lot of abuse as he was dumped in a childrens home by both his parent when he was 7 and separated from his two sisters one who was 4 (and he never saw again until just 2 years before his own death) and his elder sister who remained with his mother.

In all his time in the childrens home his parents never even bothered to visit although they were in the same town.

My Dad told me that he jumped the wall at weekends as the childrens home was not a safe place for small young blond boys when he was a kid.

He left the home when 14 as that was it back then and was sacked from job to job as he was workikng on farms and so thin that the farmers thought he had TB.

What sort of Dad was my father - a brillient Dad. Abuse is not reason to perpetuate abuse. fight back with evidence Progressor and get some medical documents into court. Get your children back as soon as possible they do not and should not be abandoned by you and by the sounds of it they despirately need your support.

When I phoned the NSPCC shortly after my ex left and I was trying to sort things out they told me that if I allowed contact with my ex and eldest son that I could be charged with child abuse.

I reccommend very strongly that you ring the NSPCC helpline. I would also get social services involved straight away.

Thank you afon and soulruler


I have no doubt that my wife will contribute significantly and negatively to the mental health of my children especially without my influence to counterbalance that.

She comes from a very abusive and mentally broken marriage and family, and I am absolutely determined for my 4 children not to follow that cycle too.

One of the problems is if I raise this to social or NSPCC, is that her impact on the children is not physical, she used to hit them but that stopped a while ago when I stamped down on it. Now it is emotional and mental factors that she brings to the table. In many ways it is not tangible like physical hitting, but I see the results in terms of volatile behaviour from the children, heavy mood swings, lack of confidence, and being held captive to the emotional turmoil my wife brings to the table.

When I have raised this with my wife, she is adamant she puts them first, when in reality she brings them into her world of hurt pain turmoil and abuse. She never hesitates to abuse me in front of them, to show violence in front of them, threatening to call the police whilst they are breaking down and telling her not to get daddy arrested (she never calls, it is more abuse), threatening to divorce every other day.

The flip side is she can be loving, overly so, and this must be so confusing for the kids. It was very confusing to me for years, in fact the over the top loving side made me kind of overlook the abusive side, till I realised these extremes are typical of emotional and mental dis orders.

I have never kept a record of her abuse, as it has been pervasive and ever present. I think the NSPCC and Social are good starting points, but I am just concerned the abuse of the children, as it is not physical, is more difficult for me to explain to the authorities?

It seems to me it is more of a general wearing down so they could well end up broken and damaged adults as my wife has herself turned out to be.....

1) how can I try to make us move forward with this psyc support and counselling when she refuses to think there is a problem?

Psychiatrists and counsellors cannot get involved against someone''s wishes unless the person is deemed dangerous to themselves or others and sectioned.

2) if we divorce, I am very concerned about the kids mental health, my wife is already the product of abusive and damaging upbringing, she cannot see the cycle, I dont want my kids to be brought up with similar damage. I have never raised my concerns with the authorities, as she asked me not to because it would be on her record. She is a schoolteacher by training. What can I do to protect my kids- if we divorce I dont want them to live with her and continue her cycle.

Has the school voiced any concerns? Child abuse is defined in law. The threshold for the authorities to become involved is significant harm or a a risk of significant to their health and development. Evidence of significant harm would be things like the inability to concentrate, having difficulties making friends, under achieving at school.

Thanks Fiona.

The kids do well at school in general partly because I have academic genes and also they have only attended private schools which pay a lot of attention to them. Though the 6 year old still sleeps in mothers bed, and drinks milk from a bottle to fall asleep which I think is not right. One of the girls is incredibly sensitive and adjusts very badly to anything that is not routine, I dont know if she is just a special child or the result of instability and turmoil.

I see them heavily influenced by trying not to upset my wife, being very unconfident emotionally, and a tool my wife uses to support herself rather than she should be supporting them.

Sorry, but it is hard to articulate the kind of threat and damage I see, as it is not physical.....and I see my wife as a damaged adult and imagine my 3 girls just inheriting all the negative contributing factors that may make them damaged adults too....

You cannot insist that she has a medical assessment but you can go on record and be medically assessed yourself.

My ex and my ex best mate tried to have me sectioned behind my back (found out as a witness to it disclosed it to me).

As a result I underwent three pscyciatrist assessments and every time I was diagnosed as having suffered significant domestic violence and was in recovery from serious abuse.

Actually I tried to get access to my own medical record and was denied the record which confirmed that it was my ex who phoned the doctor and had me sectioned as it is covered under the Data Protection Act and third parties are usually protected from being revealed as a third party if the person is crazy as they often then attack the person who reported them.

In the end after my third assessment social services managed to get access to my medical record to confirm that it was my ex who attempted to have me sectioned - I had asked him to voluntarily let me have access but he denied me that - pretty condemning in itself - if it hadn''t been him he would have had nothing to hide.

I hadn''t reported domestic abuse before having the assessments either to the doctors of the Police.

When I phoned the Police to voice my fears they referred me to the Freedom Programme having assessed me as very high risk of harm.

Get to the doctors and get your concerns regarding your children put on their medical record as well. This is especially important for your children as the doctors and services need to know your concerns and they need to be documented.

I documented my concerns for my youngest son whilst he was living with me and they are on record.