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New Partner seeing Old Boyfriend

  • Itgetsbetter
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12 Aug 12 #348988 by Itgetsbetter
Topic started by Itgetsbetter
I''ve not used the site for a long time as divorce is a distant memory and life is good on the whole.

I''ve been seeing a lady for about 3-4 months, before that I knew her as a friend.

It''s been going well and we have reached the stage when we are talking about ''relationship''. One thing that confuses me is that she had a lot to do with an old boyfriend, and hangs out with him a fair bit. The old boyfriend is someone she has known 25 years, is an old family friend and according to her has been an on and off boyfriend when she has been between relationships. She said the most recent spell was 4 years ago, and that he would still like to get back with her given the chance, but she assures me that won''t happen and that she likes to meet him as a friend because she has known him for years and values the friendship, but that he is not relationship material.

I can understand her seeing him when she was single, and when were just friends, but find myself feeling uneasy about this old boyfriend being around now and feel that an old boyfriend is different to an old friend and that if we carry on our relationship she should be pulling back from the ex boyfriend and be seeing him less and less. At the same time I don''t won''t to be controlling!

I have 2 or 3 female friends that I hang out with, but they have never been girlfriends and and would never be as it will spoil the friendship.

Am I being over sensitive? Is it normal for women to remain friends with an old boyfriend and still hang out with them, even if they are in a relationship?

  • WhiteRose
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12 Aug 12 #348991 by WhiteRose
Reply from WhiteRose
I think the thing isn''t that he is an old boyfriend, the thing for me is that given the chance he still would want a relationship (or sex?) with her - thats the bit that would make me uncomfortable :(

All you can do is let her know how you feel and trust her ........


  • maisymoos
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12 Aug 12 #348992 by maisymoos
Reply from maisymoos
I think the problem here is that she admits he still has feelings more than friendship for her. I can understand your feelings and why you feel this friendship may not be appropriate.

Your relationship is also in its early days and you are still getting to know each other, raising this as an problem may not be well advised at the moment. I would let the land lie for the time being, but if it starts to effect your relationship you will need to discuss together.

I personally do not think a close friendship with an old boyfriend would work especially if there are still feelings from one side, but others on this site may feel differently?

  • robinson25
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12 Aug 12 #348993 by robinson25
Reply from robinson25
tricky one this but if i was in your shoes i certainly wouldnt be comfortable with this.

If they have no feelings for each other it might work but i think by seeing him she is encouraging him, sorry.

  • Marshy_
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12 Aug 12 #349014 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_

Perhaps the question you should be asking yrself is not that if this is right, its what you think about it and can you deal with it?

I am that friend of your GF. Ok, not the exact person and your GF isnt my mate. But, I am the friend of someone that has had BF''s. And you could say, I am your parallel nemesis.

We have been friends since 2007, my best friend and I. In fact, she was a date. But it didnt work out and we remained friends. She was the gateway to all her friends for me. And they are my friends now.

Often, she will meet a guy and the guy takes an instant dislike to me. Its nothing personal. Its just I am a good friend of his new GF. And he is threatened by that. But I am no threat to him. But he wont like it. She has had about 4 or 5 BF''s since I have known her. None of the relationships have ended cos of me. She chooses men that are younger than she is. And they are all immature. I am sure if she met someone her own age, she wouldnt have this problem. I digress....

How me and my friend deal with this situation is that I meet them as a couple. And, I reassure him at some point, that we are not an item and I am not a threat to him. Most say they are cool about it. But, most guys she goes out with are insecure. And they are far from cool about it.

The point I am trying to make is this. Yr GF has a friend. This friend happens to be male. If it was a women that yr GF was a friend off, would you feel the same? We live in a liberated and sexually free 50 shades of grey world. This GF of yours, could have an affair with anyone. Her best girl friend or some other guy. And that includes this guy.

If you have had a friend for 25 years, that is good and should be celebrated. So, you could instead, see this friend for what he is. A dear old valued friend. That commands respect. As that friend has stuck with yr GF thru thick and thin for 25 years.

Lastly. Adults should act like adults. If she is worthy of being with you then she is worthy of your trust. This guy is only a threat to you if you let him. Its you she has chosen. Not her friend. If she was going to have a relationship with this guy, she wouldnt be with you right? So be the man that she has chosen. Dont be insecure. But if she wrongs you. She is gone. It dont matter who she wrongs you with. It has to be that way. C.

  • when will it all end?!
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12 Aug 12 #349015 by when will it all end?!
Reply from when will it all end?!
She has an ex that would like to get back together with her, but she''s chosen to be with you. She''s also being extremely honest and open with you about everything. I don''t think you have anything to worry about, and you should just concentrate on enjoying your new relationship. Chances are she will start to pull away from him as you get more serious anyway. I wouldn''t say anything.

  • Ekaterine
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12 Aug 12 #349016 by Ekaterine
Reply from Ekaterine
On the other hand...my husband had an old friend he''d known 25 years, I wasn''t too pleased they''d been talking on the phone, just social like, nothing in it, no the emails meant nothing, slightly naughty round robin kind of jokey things you might send a friend, even if they were some one else''s husband, just catching up on old times, no, it wasn''t her he was talking to down by the river, that was just a work call, he needed some paper work so he had to stop to talk despite the hands free and being a few minutes from home, oh,what had he been at the airport for? let me see, no, can''t remember being at the airport, complete blank on that, how did he get the parking ticket on the other side of the country? Hmm, let me see, ah yes, I was visiting my brother for some emotional support, but you said you hadn''t talked to him for months, did I? did I say that? Let me think, no, I definitely can''t remember saying that? Affair, who me, no never, I''ve never been unfaithful to you, what about last time, no I wasn''t unfaithful to you last time either, but the marriage was over years ago really, what, standard cliche? How dare you accuse me, you''re going to speak to her husband, how dare you, you are so nasty and threatening and I never want to see you again!

(I''m laughing now but I didn''t at the time - he is now living with the woman he wasn''t having an affair with!)

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