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totally lost

  • mag
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20 Aug 12 #350785 by mag
Topic started by mag
hi folks. sorry this is going to be a long rant but i feel i need to get this out and have so many unanswered thoughts in my head.

so friday 13th my wife comes home from work and tells me she wants to leave. she doesn''t love me, she hasnt loved me for maybe 18months to 2 years. the usual cliche almost - she loves me but shes not in love with me.

we have been together for 12 years and it would have been our 5th wedding anniversary on saturday just gone. she has just turned 30 maybe a month ago, we have no kids (unless i slipped up big time with the send off...)

i asked the usual things - whats brought this on - why didn''t she say something earlier (we''ve never really argued in the whole time we''ve been together), can we do counselling (no!). she says there is no-one else. a big point was that i was out of the house 3 nights a week partaking in a hobby (which i know maybe was a bit excessive) which meant that we didnt really see each other on those days. there were a myriad of other small issues that compounded in her mind to make her fall out of love with me. she said she was lonely and got used to it until such time as she preferred and wanted to be alone. she says she doesnt want another realtionship but her own place and space.

i love her so much and would do anything to have her back but she is adamant its over. she left the morning after she told me with just a few personal things. we talked over that weekend at netural venues to discuss the whole practical side of splitting and reminicsed a bit. i was left in the FMH which we have said we are going to sell. there were a number of jobs which needed doing to get it straight for sale, which i have completed with help from my family and friends whilst she has done nothing but move out. i feel like a mug for doing all the work while she has been off with friends starting her "new life"

i saw her after 1 week and this meeting was acrimonious to say the least, she let fire with the blunt cannons.she told me not to contact her unless about the house. i went away for a few days to think as i didnt expect to hear from her for a while. she got in touch to ask if she could collect some things whilst i was away. i said ok and she came and removed most her clothes and personal items whilst i wasnt there. a fortnight later, i had been out of the house early in the morning. when i returned she had let herself in, i was shocked to see her. she said she assumed i would be at work (i was still signed off sick). she stayed for 1 1/2hrs and we just chatted, she said it was surreal and looking back i think it was a bit, altho she did say she was feeling bad - people were assuming that she was ok because it was her decision to leave - she didnt feel bad about her decision but was feeling bad in herself (i dont know whether this was guilt) but i told her i understood, which i felt i did, but i told her i wasnt ok with either. i also dont know if im comfortable with her letting herself in again when im not there and not asking. (i did wonder to ask her if she was going to tell me she had been but i didnt want to ruin the time together)

now its been a few weeks. she has not been in touch at all. i told her in no uncertain terms that i was not leaving her, that was her actions. she has not used the D word (i cant say or write it), but that is the only logical conclusion given what she has said. i dread coming home to a letter from a solicitor.

i love her so much and would have her back, but obviously we would need a lot of work and i know it could never be the same. i firmly believe in second chances and dont see why we couldnt make it stronger than before. i have respected her wish for me not to contact her, but i want to so badly as i feel that its almost like giving up - ive not "fought for her" - but i fear contacting her would anger her and push her further away and i dont know what to do.

she got a contract phone earlier in the year and is permanently attached to it. i know she had signed upto a website which may have had links to leaving me over a year ago but had not been on it for 6 months. the paranoid part of me thinks she may have been having an affair, or was looking around for someone else. i dont think she has been cheating, she says not and i believe her, plus i dont know when she would have had time. we have been going out separately for some time but she always came home on her nights out (dont know what happened while she was out - if anything, just my paranoia again!)

i also know in the rational part of my head that it takes 2 to make a marriage work and if shes not willing, its never going to happen.

then the rational part of me thinks that i need to contact her to discuss finances. i figured we could go for a Separation Agreement as this will give a bit of certainty and it doesnt mean we would D for definite. im afraid that if/when she speaks to a solicitor, she may go after my pension (8yrs accrued) altho weve only been married less than 5 yrs and my pension accrued for this time wont be significant and i could counter claim for her pension (4yrs accrued). the other stuff should be pretty easy to agree financially. im worried about saying to do it formally as i dont want to push her along the path to D. she hasnt used the
D word so im in limbo as she hasnt stated her intentions i.e. whether to file now or wait 2 years (i think UB could be a goer for her if she was a bit mean in her interpretation of my actions)

she says its 100%over, not interested in counselling or anything and she has applied for a number of jobs all over the country. i know this doesnt mean she''s necessarily going to go anywhere but she has plans without me. im coming round to the idea that its over 99.9%. she said the whole time she doesnt want me to have false hope. the irrational part of me wants to think this is a mid-life crisis type thing and given some time she''ll realise the grass isnt greener and she''ll want me back.

i cant help how i feel, i still love her and cant just turn it off. i dont want to imagine life without her, i cant bear the thought of someone else with her and yet in my more peaceful moments have looked for property for myself. my emotions are all over the place, up and down like a yo-yo.

sorry this is a bit of an incoherent mess, but alas that is me at the moment. i really am totally lost with what to do.:(

  • Action
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20 Aug 12 #350790 by Action
Reply from Action
So sorry to hear about your situation and welcome to Wiki where you will find lots of support.

The story you tell is, I''m afraid, all too common. Your wife has had this in her mind for some time and is further on in her journey than you. You are at the total shock stage and it''s very early days to be making any huge decisions. It''s very hurtful when you''re in this devastated place and she is already way ahead of you in making her wonderful plans for the future.

It could well be that there is another man involved. The adulterer rarely admits to it unless there is evidence.

I suggest you politely ask that she warns you if she intends to visit and that she should knock on the door. It is your home now and you need your own privacy. Luckily my ex husband respected this as I could not tolerate him letting himself into the house.

The first job for you is to accept that it is over and to look after yourself and your interests. There are lots of experts on Wiki that can advise you with the financial stuff and the rest of us for emotional support. I read a book in the early stages, called ''Runaway husbands'' (don''t be put off by the title!). I found it immensely helpful in helping me to understand how I was feeling and to see that my anxieties were all totally understandable and common.

It''s a wretched place to be but you will get through it. Tiny steps.

  • QPRanger
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20 Aug 12 #350794 by QPRanger
Reply from QPRanger
Ah Mag: I feel for you mate, I really do!

A few observations: where is she living now?

Change the locks asap: although its not acrimonious now she has made the decision to move out and its not right she can turn up when she wants (you didn''t say WHY she said she turned up unexpecectdly last time- not to speak to you as she thought you were at work).

You are still in shock my friend: she is at least being straight on where she stands by telling you its 100% over,etc. However if this is the case then divorce is inevitable and the finances need to be settled.

And at least you have no children together mate: thats one of the only things I am thankful for as I struggle to get through the hell of my break up...

Keep posting on here: there are a lot of people who can help you in many different ways....

  • Kazzabell80
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20 Aug 12 #350797 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
So sorry you find yourself here.

My OH left me the same week as you. Judging by the age of your wife, I am assuming that we are a similar age too - I am 32...We were together 17 years and I was given similar lines to the ones in your post.

Not really sure I am in much of a position to give much advice as it is still very raw for me also.

Having said that, I have taken on board some advice of some the posters on here and started to keep a diary. Nothing spectacular, just somewhere to pour my heart out rather than keeping it bottled up. I haven''t been able to bring myself to re-read my entries so far but I am sure that one day I will.

Also try and sleep (I have medication from my Dr that helps although I only take it when absolutely necessary but it is a relief to know that it is there) and make sure you eat properly.

If you don''t feel like going out of the house, make sure that you peel yourself off the sofa even if it is for a short walk...

Keep posting on here too, it really does help.


  • mag
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20 Aug 12 #350869 by mag
Reply from mag
thanks for your messages. after i posted this i have read more around the site. in a bizarre way it is comforting to know its not just me altho i wish this site didnt have to exist im glad it does. i wouldn''t wish this on anyone, it is the worst thing that has happened in my life.

im lucky to have good family and friends who have been supportive - keeping me occupied and even force feeding me in the beginning, im remembering to eat now! - and its good to see that the advice on here is similar to what they are doing for me.

action - thanks for the book tip, i''ll look it up. i truly believe she is telling the truth that there is no one else, i have no evidence of it - time will out as they say.

qpr - she is with relatives and i honestly dont see a problem to warrant changing the locks, she just needed something for work and she hasnt been to the house since. even tho she has basically cut me off, we are on pretty good terms - well we were when we last spoke and i see no reason why that should have changed. my friends say that although it is cruel, it is cruel to be kind to help me get over it. i see it as a little selfish too, as if she thinks im ok that will assuage her guilt and allow her to be on her merry way without me. im sorry your going through it too and hope you get your issues sorted out

kazzabell - sorry to hear your in the same boat. sleep is hard to come by at the moment, i may have to go to the doctors. i hadnt considered a written diary i may give it a go. posting on here was hard as it made it really real seeing it in writing, im not suprised you cant go back and read your diary. i hope you can sort things with your OH, he seems a bit more confused and open - i almost wish i had that glimmer of hope to cling to.

i cant help keeping some hopes in my head that time apart may help her to come round, which is why im not round hers or ringing/texting etc, i figured respecting her wishes could give her space and time to consider a change of heart. why oh why cant i get her out of my head!?when we spoke last she did say to me she was sorry and that she only wanted good things for me for the future, why cant she be the one to make my future good. i know i could make her future good if she gave me a chance. i go round and round in circles, it just makes me want to cry.

  • Canuck425
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21 Aug 12 #350870 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Your marriage is over buddy. Sorry. Really, so sorry. Maybe, with time, you could build a whole new awesome marriage but for know it doesn''t seem like that''s an option.

You need to be ready to discover that there is in fact someone else involved. It is likely. She shows two of the indicators for having an affair. 1) "I don''t love you anymore". 2) Being glued to a cell phone.

It doesn''t really matter if there is someone else or not. The advice to you is still the same. Take care of yourself and put yourself first. You also need to know that she has been thinking about this and agonizing over this for months or years. She is well ahead of you. Now you''re in catch up mode. So take it easy on yourself. Do things that are only in your best interest.

It sounds like you''re doing ok on contact with her. Good for you and keep that up! Don''t call, don''t write! For the love of God do not beg to have her back. It is as pathetic as it sounds. Be the best you can be. Get on with making your life awesome. It will take time and a lot of work but you can do it.

Take care!

  • taff45
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21 Aug 12 #350876 by taff45
Reply from taff45
Hi Mag

Sorry you find yourself here, but in this horrible situation you have found a good place in this site. It has been a big support for me, knowing you are not the only one going through this and sharing with others who understand has helped me and it will you to.

I am in a similar situation to you. My husband gave me the "I no longer love you" speech three months ago and my life has been a living hell since then. I was convinced there was no one else but a couple of weeks ago I discovered there was. He moved out yesterday after 25 years together and 19 years of marriage and three children.

Keep posting and sharing. Take it one step at a time and take care of you.

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