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What happens now?

  • Kazzabell80
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24 Aug 12 #351708 by Kazzabell80
Topic started by Kazzabell80
Well we have just had our first couples counselling session - 1/2 an hour each individually....he went first.

He admitted to the counsellor that there is someone else on the scene (albeit platonic at the moment).

The counsellor said to me that there was little point in doing couples counselling where it has been made clear (by him) that he wants out.

I really thought that we could make it work.

He even mentioned mediation in his half an hour, clearly making it apparent that he wants out.

The counsellor was very upfront with me and told me my worst fears but she wants to continue my counselling to help me move on.

I don''t know what to do now. How do I start mediation? Who does it, is it a solicitor etc?

I am trying to hold it together but not sure how much longer I can pretend to be ok. Everyone keeps on saying how strong I am but if only they knew

  • Shoegirl
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24 Aug 12 #351716 by Shoegirl
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I''m sorry, it must be a very difficult day for you.

Unfortunately, the writing has been on the wall for a while now. You stand alone in wanting to save your marriage. It''s a horrible truth to face and I know how it feels.

My advice is the same as before. Go to counselling alone.

As for proceedings, I would try not to rush into them unless you have no alternative. Remember however, that the applicant of the divorce controls the timescales to a degree.

My Stbx left me, but I divorced him. Once he had told me it was over,I saw little point in doing anything else but to commence divorce proceedings. I could not control the fact my marriage had ended but I took control of everything else that I could. That included the actual divorce. In fact i made it clear in the UB grounds that my stbx showed no commitment to the future of the marriage by refusing counselling for example. Ive never regretted taking control of the divorce for a second as it was one less thing he could do to me.

I applied for the divorce then slowed things down to let myself emotionally recover a little so I was strong enough to deal with it.

I know it''s the last thing you want. But take control of the things you can.

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24 Aug 12 #351724 by Kazzabell80
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Thanks Shoegirl

You are right, it has been on the wall for a while he just couldn''t admit it to me.

I am just gutted. Have the kids coming home at 4 so am trying to hold it together for them.

Plus it is my sons birthday tomorrow and OH wants to spend the day at the FMH with us.

  • sun flower
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24 Aug 12 #351740 by sun flower
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Kazzabell - I am so sorry this is happening to you - rely on friends and family for support if you can as well as wiki. Others will add more - once again - what happens to these men that they would do this to their family.

  • Canuck425
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24 Aug 12 #351781 by Canuck425
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Take a deep breath. Get outside and go for a walk. It''s going to be ok. You''ll come through this. Trust me.

Yes, it''ll be hard and a lot of work but you can do it. You''re strong, like your friends say. But it''s ok to be sad. There is a lot to be sad about. You''ve lost a lot. Take the time to be sad. When you come through the other side it will be good to remember where you have come from.

Take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Before the kids. For now. Do some little things just for you. You''re a person of value and you''re worth it. Trust me on that one too.

  • Kazzabell80
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25 Aug 12 #351827 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
Thanks Canuck you''re advice is as always good advice.

I am just so devastated - perhaps I was in denial before and just was niave about us being able to make it work. He was saying stuff like, it won''t be fixed overnight, it will take a lot of work; we have no relationship at the moment, but we will just see what happens at the counselling (he said this the day before the first session but then went out to a party that OW was at) so i am not sure if anything happened between them to make him so adament that there was no going back for us.

Why did he lead me on for 7 weeks knowing that he was going to just turn his back? What a complete coward.

It is our son''s 11th birthday today. He has said that he doesn''t want to see his Dad, although he is coming around at 1. I can''t really say that I want to see him either, don''t really want him sitting around our house pretending to play happy families after his revelation yesterday :(

Also, should I be asking for his key back (and the one that his Mum currently has)?

  • Marshy_
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25 Aug 12 #351949 by Marshy_
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Hi Kaz..

Kazzabell80 wrote:

I am trying to hold it together but not sure how much longer I can pretend to be ok. Everyone keeps on saying how strong I am but if only they knew


There are times when we need to hold it all together and be strong and there are times when we can crumble. This is not the time to crumble. You need to be strong to get thru this tough time. Ltr on, you can collapse in a heap and let it all out. Your body will tell you anyway when that time is. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk thru this minefield. You can do it. Be strong and tough. C.

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