A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.

Dealing with emotional torture...

  • Fifi100
  • Fifi100's Avatar Posted by
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
27 Aug 12 #352165 by Fifi100
Topic started by Fifi100
Gah! Really struggling with the unfairness of this.

So it''s 7 months since STBX left the FMH. I am really struggling with the reality that HIS choice(s) mean(s) that I lose everything I hold dear. Today I''m specifically reeling from the loss of what was my family and extended family. The relationship that I have with them is damaged on account of him. Then there is the whole children then friends thing. Him introducing his new partner (who incidentally was the OW). How do you cope with this? It''s like lemon juice on a paper cut. Twisting the knife. How can someone be so insensitive to the hurt they are causing? I''m literally on the floor.


  • perin123
  • perin123's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
27 Aug 12 #352168 by perin123
Reply from perin123

It is still so raw for you and so difficult. I understand exactly how you feel.
It is even more traumatic when children are involved. I am 2 years down the line and still having problems.

All you can do is take each day as it comes. How old are your children? You have to distance your feelings for their sake, easier said than done I know. But if they are ok you have to take that as something good.

Unfortunately your ex is doing the same as mine, flaunting his happiness with not a care for how you feel.

My son now wants nothing to do with his dad and new wife, their doing unfortunately, but of course it''s all my fault (according to his new wife!) So once again I am picking up the pieces.

It WILL get easier, just look after YOU and YOUR KIDS. One step at a time.


  • Stumpylad70
  • Stumpylad70's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
27 Aug 12 #352190 by Stumpylad70
Reply from Stumpylad70
Fifi I am sorry. I am going through pretty much the same. I wish I could offer advice on how to cope but I am not coping well with it myself. Some of the things my STBX has done have torn me apart and hurt my son, yet she gets angry that I am upset by her actions.

If you ever find some way to deal with this. Please tell me how. Because I need it too.

  • WhiteRose
  • WhiteRose's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
27 Aug 12 #352195 by WhiteRose
Reply from WhiteRose
Hugs Fifi,

What happens sometimes is the person who ends the relationship has often had more time to come to terms with things, their decision sometimes made some time before the relationship ends.

One person is then dealing with things while the other is seemingly moving on quickly.

7 months is no time, really, to be over things. Don''t have too many expectations of yourself. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes.

My advice would be to be gentle with yourself, keep yourself as busy as possible to prevent yourself mulling over things and surround yourself with supportive people.

I read here recently a poster wrote: ''holding on to anger and bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'' - a great analogy!

Of course you''re angry - but in time allow that anger to go.

But in the meantime - baby steps.


  • Canuck425
  • Canuck425's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
27 Aug 12 #352209 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
I agree with WhiteRose in that your stbx is likely just further down the road. The leaver has thought about this and agonized about it for months if not years. When they decide to go (usually another person seems to make that decision more pressing) then they are going for the life they have dreamed of for some time. It''s all going to be super and amazing. So they''re excited.

How can someone be so insensitive to the hurt they are causing?

I think because they are just so wrapped up in their own issues at the moment. I think they are truly not aware of the devastation. Or, if they are, that they''re very sorry it has to be this way. Too bad, so sad. But I also think, generally, that it is not out of malice. They''re not hurting for the purpose of hurting. They think they''re doing what is best for them and maybe even you - eventually.

So hang in there. My advice stays the same. Look after yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself. Take good care! Be committed to loving and caring for you!

I do believe that we all can come through this stronger emotionally. I really do. I know I was an Absolute wreck at this time last year. I''m doing better now. Much better.

  • flowerofscotland
  • flowerofscotland's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
27 Aug 12 #352227 by flowerofscotland
Reply from flowerofscotland
Hi Fif100,

It is very much like rubbing salt into the wounds....we get it, we do!

I am not sure if they (the X''s) are delusional, if they think that by proving to the world that they are happier than ever with this miracle of an OW or OM, then they are totally justified in having beaten your heart to a pulp.

Me, I just think the ''Whole Damn World Is Going Crazy''. Yes relationships break down, but my goodness do they have to continue with the heartbreak and torture thrown our way?

I think it is all just an act and one day, when they are very old and grey, the penny will drop....

All I can say is think of you and not them, I know it hurts beyond beggar''s belief, I too lost my extended family, so I know what you are going through.

Take care for now FoS x

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
27 Aug 12 #352232 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Fifi100 wrote:

How can someone be so insensitive to the hurt they are causing? I''m literally on the floor.


Hi fifi. I am sorry you are on the floor. More on this in a bit.....

He is insensitive because he doesnt care for your feelings. I am sorry to say that. But his actions are proof positive of this. And I am sorry that your relationship with his family is destroyed.

There are no magic wand solutions to this problem. If there was, the shops would be full of these wands. What you are going thru, many have gone thru. And its the injustice of it all. You get shunned for no fault of your own. I remember I had to sit in the court waiting room on my own while all her family and hangers on sat opposite from me all glaring daggers at me. But the funny thing was (it wasnt funny) that I had done nothing wrong. I was the victim. Like you are.

There is always two sides to a story and lies and truth. But there is only one truth. And you know the truth. If they only know the lies, then who''s fault is that? Yours? Theres? Thing is, as I said, there is only own truth. And you know the truth. If people want to believe the lies, thats there problem. Not yours.

So if I can give you one piece of advice its this. Get up off the floor. Hold your head up high. You have the moral high ground so occupy it. You have done nothing wrong love. You know that. And thats all that matters. The truth will always come out in the end. But by that time, you will be long gone and you wont care either way. C.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11

The modern, convenient and affordable way to divorce.

No-Fault Divorce £179

We provide the UK's lowest cost no-fault divorce service, managed by a well respected firm of solicitors. 

Online Mediation £250

Online mediation is a convenient and inexpensive way to agree on a fair financial settlement.

Consent Order £259

This legally binding agreement defines how assets (e.g. properties and pensions) are to be divided.

Court Support £250

Support for people who have to go to court to get a fair divorce financial settlement without a solicitor.