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A question for those ''out the other side''

  • Kittykatt
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30 Aug 12 #352947 by Kittykatt
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Hi guys,

For those of you who have ''come out the other side'' and has had to face/deal with your ex moving on either with the OW or someone different - does that ever stop hurting?

My stbx didn''t cheat as such with this particular person (as far as ii know) but as soon as we separated he certainly got involved with her (and still is from what I understand) it was my choice to end the marriage for other reasons but once he got too close to this female as soon as we separated it really finalised it for me and hurt me very deeply.

My question is if you yourself do it ''properly'' stay on your own in order to heal and not be with anyone else - does the pain of the above ever go?

The reason I ask is because I thought I had done ''my hurting'' with regards to that particular part of the marriage but for some reason I am hurting again (months later)

I don''t know if that makes sense but if anyone can relate would appreciate views/experiences

Kx

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31 Aug 12 #352991 by hawaythelads
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The ex harridan moved another bloke into the marital home 3 months after I''d left I moved out in the september Bazza was in by the January(sorry been pushed out because she made life so unbearable the previous year as she''d been having an affair with another bloke from work I subsequently found out).
I think at first for me personally the hardest part was being the entirely innocent party who had never strayed in 13 years and yet losing my home that I had bought (all me none of it her) and living with my kids,because she had decided without my knowledge that she fancied a variety selection box of cock.
I wasn''t best pleased I have to say especially not when I was atill left with the DFS Sofa bill for the next 18 months that they were shxgging on because as she poefacedly explained the loan agreement was in my name.
Neither was I overmoon when as the unpaid babysitting service I used to have to pick my own kids up from my own home with the harridan and Bazza''s following me out the door a nano second later done up to the nines to go out for the night.
I wasn''t jumping for joy either much the day of my sons 11th birthday when I was asked to drop the kids back early for a BBQ at my home when the amount of cars parked up outside all the outlaws and the same friends that used to attend with me there meant I had to park the car half way up the street walk my kids to the door stand on the doorstep to have the thanks and door shut in my face.Yes thanks I thought thanks for the fecking free house that I stole off you by shxgging other blokes it makes a great party venue.
MMMM YES I WAS LOVIN IT LOVIN IT LOVIN IT that day.Yes indeedy.
So in the meantime there I was the first 5 months at my Mum and Dad''s with my 8 black bin bags and then in my rented flat for the first 18 months absolutely fecking shell shocked.Sitting around in my underpants eating crisps watching Tv seemed to be my main hobby feeling desparately lonely that life was so unfair and why was it that the person who had done nothing wrong was alone and the immoral one had the kids the house and a life that was completely unnaffected.
I forgot to tell you that the year we split the family business was closed lost my £70k a year job and had to start being a freelance sales rep the day I told her that was the day that she announced well might as well get all the bad news out the way in one hit I want a divorce.
So what got better for me certainly wasn''t the divorce settlement that changed my life out of £400k worth of assets I took £110k.I got to keep my £130k pension fund though whoop de doo that''ll pay me approx £3000 a year when I''m 65 get in!!
Really I just got used to the fact that when you hit really rough shxt times you''re on your own.There will be people around you but they can only offer so much encouragement.Ultimately it''s that feeling shxt inside feeling the unhappiness the real sick feeling that you ultimately are the only person who can overcome it.
I suppose the more you are on your own the more you get used to it and then like you know all your family and friends get divorce fatigue eventually you even start to bore yourself thinking about it all the time.
Then you start to feel a bit better and you like your own company.Then you start thinking I''m going to go out tonight and rather than having that feeling that you''re not really there all of a sudden you''re enjoying yourself and having a laugh again.Then people are like he''s a great bloke ain''t he and he''s a real free spirit.Because all of a sudden you are your happy in your own skin you''re independent.You couldn''t give a feck if you''re out or if you''re going home with your meal for one to watch eastenders.You''re just as equally happy.
With that you also take the blinkers off on the failed marriage and realise it weren''t all that anyways and the other blokes welcome to it.
Then you have a new rest of your life and for once you''re in the driving seat rather than being a passenger.
Of course you can go the other way and jump straight back into another relationship with all your undealt with issues that''ll eventually cause it to unravel again because you''ll never truly know who you are.
But I would advise through solitude comes enlightenment.
All the best
HIS ROYAL HAWAYNESS xx

  • rugby333
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31 Aug 12 #352995 by rugby333
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Hawaythelads,

Fantastic post, it ought to be a must read for everyone.

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31 Aug 12 #353006 by Kittykatt
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HRH thank you, brilliant story and just shows how much everyone goes through and that we can all come out the other side.

I have no intention of jumping into anything else or being with anyone else for a long time, we separated last October and it took him about 2 weeks before he was trying to get involved with the said person, but I want to heal properly and be genuinely happy on my own.

This is the point though, I thought I had got to that point nearly, I have a great social life, was finding me again (still having bad days but was getting there) and feel like all the pain I thought I had dealt with has come back.

All I can assume is that it''s part of this lovely roller coaster and I just keep having to ride it!

I think your story shows how much someone can really overcome :)

  • Marshy_
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31 Aug 12 #353051 by Marshy_
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Hi KK.

Kittykatt wrote:

Hi guys,
My question is if you yourself do it ''properly'' stay on your own in order to heal and not be with anyone else - does the pain of the above ever go?

The reason I ask is because I thought I had done ''my hurting'' with regards to that particular part of the marriage but for some reason I am hurting again (months later)

I don''t know if that makes sense but if anyone can relate would appreciate views/experiences

Kx


There is no properly. There is only your way and my way. My ex cheated on me with a family friend. She got found out and they admitted it. Fair enough I spose. It dont matter now anyway. Its all water under the bridge.

I tried new relationships pretty much straight away (well as soon as I left) and I was defo on the rebound. And I got sussed and subsequently binned 3 times lol. I laugh about it now. Didnt at the time mind. And it hurt like hell. But now some 6 years on from those days, life is very different. And I have done it "properly". In that I have stayed single. Still has a ring to it that word and I never tire of writing it :woohoo:

But I am OK now. I am truly over it. It dont hurt anymore and being honest, I dont think of it. There is just too much todo :blink:

Ok joking aside and stop talking about me (as it does you no good), you have a blockage. Ok not that type of blockage I mean the type of blockage that stops you progressing with yr life.

What I found was that I couldnt get past what had happened to me. It seemed like my past was holding me back and I was defined by what happened. Everyone I spoke to, I told my story. And my story was them. Not me. Them. And what I didnt realise is that it is wrong to be centred on someone else. We should be centred on us. You. Me. And not the past. Cos thats gone. So in 2008, I went back for my second set of counselling. At 1st, I thought it was a waste of money and time. Going over the same old rubbish. And then a number of things happened. I started to realise that I didnt have to be bound to what happened. And I managed to finally ditch that millstone off my back. And I realised that my old life was holding me back.

Now I have moved on totally. I know this cos my story is boring. So boring that I dont tell it much. In fact, the few lines that I wrote at the top is perhaps the 1st time I have said those things in ages. And writing it was megga boring. And I think I would rather ram red hot hat pins in my eyes then say any more about it. That part of my life has no place in now, and the future. And this I think would help you. Not the hat pins love, the letting go.

Lastly, the past is the past. You cant change it. You can only describe it. Its like telling how a cricket match was played. Or how someone broke their ankle dancing the funky chicken. Its happened. Its done with. And you have to be able to let go. I know he went off with someone else. But trust me, he hasnt sorted his issues out, let go of you or got over it. But so what? Thats his bad. He is defo on the rebound. Or he was when he started out on this new venture. He has jumped back in the saddle and started peddling like mad again. Thats fine for horses and bikes, but life and relationships need dealing with and getting over. And your clearly not over it yet. And time isnt a great healer. People say that. But it aint true. Doing something heals you. Sitting back and letting it happen never works.

So do what ever you need to do to get over it. Perhaps a short course of counselling will help. As often, we cant do it all ourselves. Some parts of our lives are best dealt with by professionals. And this is one of those times. You wouldnt fit your own gas boiler now would you or do your own tonsillectomy? I rest my hand luggage. C.

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31 Aug 12 #353053 by Marshy_
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hawaythelads wrote:

because she had decided without my knowledge that she fancied a variety selection box of cock.


I was rolling around the floor at one point and the people in the cafe where I am sat were looking very oddly at me.

I am sorry this happened to you Pete. But, you made my day cheers saying that... :P

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31 Aug 12 #353057 by Marshy_
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Kittykatt wrote:


All I can assume is that it''s part of this lovely roller coaster and I just keep having to ride it?


Sorry to but in here.. But no. Totally and abso bloodly lutly no. You can get off this roller coaster when you want. The roller coaster is just for the early days. Ok its what, 10 months ish. Still kinda early days but, the quicker you deal with it, the quicker the new life you have set for yourself becomes the norm. Life is for living girl. Not for looking back over your shoulder. Work on getting this done. Getting this part of your life gone. Cos its over. Done with. And you only have one life. This is it. No read thru. One and only shot at it. Never to be repeated offer. C.

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