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Update on my sham of a life!

  • Kazzabell80
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08 Sep 12 #354581 by Kazzabell80
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I have read this thread in its entirity a few times now. It isn''t pleasant reading and I know that I have to let him go.

I am really struggling with it though. After I saw him yesterday I felt good - normal again. The pain had gone away. Coffee was nice, we chatted and got on. Something we haven''t really been able to do for a long time.

He has also said now that looking at his finances (from the stuff that I gave him) he can''t afford to give up his bouncing work (although I know that if he came home he would be able to). This is dissapointing to say the least - I hate that place and truely believe that it has stolen my husband from me. But as Shoegirl says, actions speak louder than words.

We might be walking the dogs tomorrow (with the children) and he mentioned going for a drink next week sometime.

One part of me really wants to go as he has been saying that communication has led to the breakdown of our marriage and we have been getting on well recently - even joking around and if there is any chance of us saving our lives together then I want to take that chance.

But the other half of me reads this thread and knows that it is pointless in torturing myself like this.

I had counselling yesterday right before we met for coffee and I do think that it helped me. I can see where some of his issues may be coming from - although he doesn''t see it and I can''t force him to go to counselling so that he can confront his issues.

He did meet with the mediator yesterday (it was mediator and not solicitor) and said that he thinks that if we do go down this route then that would be the best way as we both know what we want and are talking - plus would be cheaper.

I spoke to my Dad last night as well, my parents were going to come over for Christmas but didn''t want to come if we did get back together as it could be a very delecate situation. I have told them to come anyway. I just don''t think that it is going to happen any time soon...no matter how much I want it to.

  • mag
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08 Sep 12 #354594 by mag
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kazza I feel for you, i really do.

if you think he is being genuine, then i would give it a chance. unfortunatley a lot of people here are posting out of experience and they think he is using you as a plan B.

if he''s serious, then you should test him. tell him to jack in the bouncing job and say he could quit if he wanted to make things work. this should show you if he''s just leading you along

if you do keep seeing him as you are doing, keep in mind, you''re separated he has left and thinks that it is over. you need to keep him on side whilst you sort out finances and access.

like you said, actions speak louder than words - if he''s serious, what he does will show you how to proceed.

i may get shot down for this, but i know were on a similar timescale as to our breakups, so probably in similar places mentally. i suppose its a double edged sword that you are still getting to see your husband. i havent seen, spoke to or heard anything from my wife in 5 weeks and it is killing me.

i wish you all the best ((hugs))

  • Shoegirl
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08 Sep 12 #354602 by Shoegirl
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You are not ready to let him go yet. Thats ok. It''s your marriage your life and your journey. You don''t have to do anything that is not right for you right now.

I am going to ask you to think about something. A valuable life lesson is that actions have consequences. You are protecting your husband from the consequences of his actions. Let me explain. You are laughing joking being nice etc when this man has trampled over your heart and feelings. Meanwhile he gets on with life seeing his friend in his bouncing job and still feeling like he has his wife good ol'' understanding Kazabelle.

I will now return to my question. How does hubby know his actions have consequences when his life jogs along merrily despite his actions? How does he learn from his mistakes and wrongdoing if you are there for him despite his poor conduct.

If you minimized contact, cut the chat, coffee and being so understanding then his actions would have consequences and then there might be a chance that he learns something from his unacceptable behavior.

Sometimes we have to be really honest and ask ourselves whether by being tolerant to others poor conduct whether we enable others to continue to treat us badly and then the life lessons don''t get learned.

I''m not trying to be harsh honest, it''s your choice and thats cool. There isn''t a right and wrong. Oh and that bouncing job where his "friend" is? If he couldn''t afford to not do it, he''d find something else that paid money to save his marriage.

He''s having his cake and eating it Kazzabelle. Sorry.

  • soulruler
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08 Sep 12 #354604 by soulruler
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Shoegirl maybe you should consider being a counsellor - very wize words.

I will give my little spin on this and it is not to do exactly with Kazze problems but so of is.

My ex used to beat our kids, in varying degrees and in varying ways over the years.

He was the hardest on our disabled son, the second hardest on our daughter and the softest on the youngest.

Anyway, I used to tell the children to be nice to dad as he loved them really and just had a few problems that stemmed from his childhood (:blush:how deluded was that he wasn''t abused as a kid).

Anyway, it took some time after he left to start to understand the dynamics of what had happened and come to terms with the guilt I had for letting things happen. I sometimes had to intervene and get inbetween husband and children as he was attempting to beat them senseless - something which I remain very ashamed of to this day - eldest always asking me now - four years on so it takes a long time for these things to come out - why did you not love me and why did you let Dad do the things he did?

Anyway, in those early days when I was stuggling to come to terms with the truth I thought to myself "If I came into a room and saw a 12 year old hitting a 6 year old senseless would I in any way accept the behaviour of the older child against the youngest no matter what they said?"

The answer of course is NO. Violence can not be excused. The point I am making is not that your husband is hitting on you physically but that you are treating him rather like a young child who doesn''t know better.

As shoegirl has said if you do not let him realise what the consequence of his actions are on you you are going to carry on in the same way having your emotions ignored and abused and he can carry on believing that you are basically his Mum, he can get his excitement from being a bouncer and his friendship with the other woman.

  • MrsSadness
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08 Sep 12 #354666 by MrsSadness
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Kazza - I feel for you and your situation, I really do. Least you are not alone and got support in here!
Shoegirl, brilliant posts - I got so much from them as an ex-doormat for years and in denial. Many thanks, most enlightening. Cheers.

  • Kazzabell80
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10 Sep 12 #355043 by Kazzabell80
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Thanks all for your supportive (if not brutal ;)posts!).

He came up the house yesterday again to see the kids and we chatted again. I am beginning to realise that he is not going to come back and that all of this is just him being his usual indecisive self.

He told me that since he started the bouncing work he has more friends and a better social life than he has ever had with me oh, and that he hates our house (the ''forever home'' that we bought 2 years ago).

This revelation did shock me and I think this is when the penny dropped. He will never come home to the home that he has with me and the children. He just doesn''t want it. He feels like he isn''t wanted here (by me and the children)?! I cannot compete with his new friends/social life - perhaps it is a mid-life crisis in the making, he is almost 38 and he told me Friday that life is too short and as his Dad died when he was 38 then why shouldn''t he be happy? He is living for the day and obviously doesn''t want his future mapped out with us growing old together. Quote - and being here with us doesn''t make him happy. He still values my friendship but can''t see a future for us (oh and he would still die for me apparently - I am the mother of his children after all).

Not sure just how friendly he will want to be when the consequences of his actions hit home though but I suppose that isn''t my problem anymore.

I am considering giving him his dog. Well, she is ours but feel that I just cannot cope with her (she is a Weimeraner). I love her so much, was upset yesterday and she came over, stood up on me (yes...on me) and started licking me as she knew that I was upset. I just don''t have the physical strength, she is such a strong woofer - both headstrong and physically.

But on the other hand she is part of our family, the family that he has turned his back on so why should he have her? Plus I doubt that his Mum would welcome the mini-horse into her small house/garden. Having her would certainly throw a spanner into the works for his new social life as his mother can''t control her - Honey certainly doesn''t see MIL as top dog.

We also have a choccy lab and I am not sure if I could seperate them, they are like two peas in a pod.

...but if nothing changes for him then he will continue thinking that his new life is great, Mum doing everything for him at home, mates to go into town with and a part time family to visit when he feels like it.....urghhh

He told me on Friday that he would give me all of the information for the mediator that he saw as apparently I have to go and see them. I have seen him every day this weekend and he has given me nothing, I haven''t asked either, why should I? He is hellbent on tearing our family apart so he can do it. I am financially better off until finances are sorted as he is paying 50% of the mortgage.

Oh and he is still up for doing drinks. Although I am not going to initiate anything.

Maybe one day he will realise the mistake that he is making by abandoning his family but if that time ever comes, then I want to be able to make a ''free-choice'' (thanks ShoeGirl B)).

  • soulruler
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10 Sep 12 #355055 by soulruler
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Hi Kassa, I hear what you are saying but at the end of your post you say maybe one day he will realise his mistake, look at it the other way, maybe one day you will realise yours - you know he might actually be right that life is too short and you are not suited.

Hard thing the truth no matter exactly whether it is "right" or "wrong".

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