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Update on my sham of a life!

  • soulruler
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11 Sep 12 #355137 by soulruler
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Well mine was a 17 year relationship as well, maybe different as although I loved my husband unconditionally I knew really deep down that we were miles apart in our thoughts, interests and beliefs.

Still there is a saying that opposites attract, I think that is very true but it doesn''t mean actually that you are suited long term in life.

You sound very much like me, the one always there sorting out the finance, him coming across as a bit of a tough guy (hence the bouncer bit - mine was a "rough" diamond - actually now see him as a dodgy builder and a con man).

Eventually the tinted rosey specatcles start to drift away from your eyes. People say the strangest things in separation, alot of which comes across as very cruel especially when you are on the receiving end of it but there is so often a huge amount of truth in it.

I look back on the letters I wrote when my ex first left (mostly to him but one to the other woman) and just wonder who on earth I was at that time. I treated both him and her like Gods and Godesses, worshiping them for their work ethic, their sense of humour, their courage.

In actual fact the ow has been out of work now for over a year and what she is relying on is my work ethic, my life savings, my diligence NOT hers - same for him as they will just not let me go and get on with my life.

I have always been a bit of an emotional idiot seeing the best in people always but what divorce has done for me is shown me that it is not what you like to think that someone is, it is not what you hear them say but it is what they actually do to prove that to you and that works just as well when you are talking about others in your life as it does about yourself.

I agree with Shoegirl that you need to cut contact to an Absolute minium. Stop the coffees and the chats, stay amicable as far as you can and let him move on with his life and for you do not look back, there is a better life out there and at the moment all this soul searching only makes you feel lonely and depressed.

Finally, a bit rich to tell you that if he stayed with you he would have an affair as he is having an affair and you are not yet properly separated and divorced.

That statement from him was very delusional in my view.

  • Kazzabell80
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11 Sep 12 #355296 by Kazzabell80
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I understand what you are saying Soulruler I really do. In fact, I think that we mirror the whole thoughts, interests and beliefs part very well.

Don''t worry though, the rose tinted specs are well and truely off.

Had a text today off my best mate who spotted hubby walking around town with OW-I am so mad :angry:. He is rubbing my face in it, I feel so humiliated. Here I was thinking that we could at least try and there he is with absolutely no intention of it (I know, I know you all said it right from the beginning)....I should have listened but yes, I was in denial. I am such an idiot.

He was here when I got home from work at 6pm (had brought the kids home but got here before I got home). I couldn''t help it and I exploded at him (the children weren''t around don''t worry). I told him to get the f**k out of my life and get out of the house...and that I hope he enjoys his new life cos he is gonna need every penny (then slamed the door in his face) - actually am a little ashamed by this last remark as it really isn''t me. But I was shaking I was so mad. His clothes are now in bin bags in the hallway.

Oh and while I was going mental, he just smiled and said, I am not arguing about this (after of course denying once again anything more than a friendship).

Now I have said all along to him and the counsellor that I noticed a distinct change in him since Christmas. He reckons that he has been unhappy for years and ''tried'' to tell me(?) Turns out that she started working there at Christmas....oh and the best bit is that she has recently split with her long term partner (father of her 3 children) - how cosy.

So, I have decided to Petition him for divorce and will be going back to my solicitor asap to get the ball rolling. I can''t believe that I have been so stupid. How could I have him so wrong? How could I be so blind to this?? I suppose I knew really but always thought that no, not my baby - he wouldn''t do this and he will come home, he is just lost.

Well he can stay lost as far as I am concerned.

(um does this qualify for the next stage....anger???) :laugh:

  • pixy
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11 Sep 12 #355314 by pixy
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You''re not stupid, you''re human.

Take care.


  • Shoegirl
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11 Sep 12 #355330 by Shoegirl
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Ditto what Pixy says.

You were with someone who you thought you could trust. You had faith in your husband, you believed in your marriage. There is nothing wrong with this. This does not make you stupid, you were simply being a wife.

So many of us have faith that our spouses will be truthful, talk to us if something is wrong. The sad reality is that so many just go off with someone else rather than working at a marriage. I''m afraid, you are getting the adulterers standard speech, not loved you for years, denies the affair, being very public about OW very quickly etc.

Tried to tell you....... On dear he possibly has no idea how pathetic this sounds in the context of the affair. History of the marriage is rewritten regrettably, many of us have experienced utter horror at how the marital shared history is recast into some tale of woe, with the adulterer describing themselves as some kind of helpless victim in a loveless marriage for many years. It will be something that you can not recognise or relate to.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. As the denial breaks and reality hits, most of us start seeing the truth of the deception when we start piecing together seemingly unconnected things which seemed inconseqential at the time but when placed in context of the affair make total sense. I too noticed changes in my husbands behaviour dating precisely back to when his affair started. But it only made sense when I discovered evidential proof of the affair, he admitted nothing until I had found this and shown him.

In many ways, he is lost to you now. I know it hurts like hell and it will do for some time to come. I''d just offer a little more advice. You may be very angry, I would think very carefully about letting him see any emotion from you whatsoever. Anger is energy and it will propel you forward, direct the anger into rebuilding your life rather than giving him the satisfaction of knowing just how upset you are. Think about how you gain control here, or as much control as you can. Starting the divorce is the right way to go as there seems no way back.

Minimising contact means business like contact about the children only. Save your tears for those that care about you and will be there to dry your eyes. Every time you show him emotion, you give him another chance to reject you. He rejects you by not responding appropriately to your deep hurt and it will make you feel worse.

Be prepared for him to provoke a reaction, mine tried to do this many times. It''s all about being very focused and not going there. Just don''t give him ammunition to do the whole my Stbx wife is a loony type thing. Mine did anything to provoke a reaction at first and then started to say things like no wonder I''m leaving etc look at you. That was until I got wise to his antics very quickly ;)

When you get good at this feigning indifference business through minimal contact, the confusion you may see in response is priceless :laugh:Just do it for you though and yor own healing. If you are trying to do this to punish him, you won''t be able to stick at it, understand that the things posted here are about your long term healing.

  • soulruler
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12 Sep 12 #355364 by soulruler
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Yes awful as it is the fact that you are angry will please him, be angry, very angry but whatever do not show it to him.

Sorry but we have just grown apart (repeat it over and over again smiling as you say it).

You may not feel like that now but make him believe that you do - nothing family lawyers like to throw in your face more than "you are bitter" (arrrh - actually I never did shout at my ex when he left - did plenty of that whilst he was living with me:) ).

Your friend did a very good job by letting you know she had seen him, humiliation is a strange part of the healing process and once you get over it you are cured.:cheer:

Sorry, not trying to be flippant I know the humiliation badge only too well. I even STILL have to watch my ex and his new wife wandering around like a love story hand in hand as we all live in the same village (I am mutley by the way when they walk by).

  • scaryspice
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12 Sep 12 #355368 by scaryspice
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Can you help me please with the angry thing ?
Why will it please him that you are angry?
Surely if you don''t show it ,he will think that what he has done is OK and the right thing to do ?
i have a real problem with this .
If you are civil and agree to all demands ,it feels like he has ''won''and he can lead his life with no regrets as you are OK and getting on with your life , not hurt or scarred .
i have recieved a letter from his solicitor saying he has a right to a peaeful life .From that i assume me being difficult is really annoying him - and that makes me feel better .
i know in the future it won''t do me any good carrying the anger but at the moment it is hard - it feels like I will be forgiving him and I don''t ever want to do that .
sorry to hijack the thread
SS x

  • donkler
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12 Sep 12 #355370 by donkler
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In my opinion, to start healing its a mixture of no contact, and personally I found it less than helpful when people were telling me where/what/whom with my STBXW is, and I told them so.


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