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Update on my sham of a life!

  • Kazzabell80
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12 Sep 12 #355417 by Kazzabell80
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It is very difficult I give you that.

I am angry, very angry. But I am going to channel my emotion into sorting out my life without him. He doesn''t deserve me and I deserve so much better than him.

It is a shame as I really didn''t want it to end this way, but it has, so I have to deal with it and he has to deal with the consequences that are to follow.

I will follow the advice given here and will treat everything as business like as possible, not showing him how angry I am (I am not a bunny boiler after all! :laugh:).

Access is already sorted so that isn''t a problem - nothing in writing but all amicable on that front. The kids need their Dad at the end of the day regardless of what me and him are going through.

I got asked out last night too. It is far too soon of course but he is fit and it was nice to have an ego boost ;)

  • wammcl
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12 Sep 12 #355440 by wammcl
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This should be written into a ''divorce self-help'' manual. Shoegirl, you write so well and make so much sense. Kazz, it''s like there''s a pattern and script to all of this. I too have been there adn was practically suicidal. I did all the things that Shoegirls says. I never thought I''d say it, but given 6 months, I am getting beeter and stronger and almost looking forward to a life where I no longer have to tread on eggeshells. You WILL do it, and remember, f.ck him and his issues, cos that''s what they are - HIS!

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12 Sep 12 #355466 by Kazzabell80
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Ha ha thanks wammcl - Shoegirl should think about it, her posts are straight to the point and ultimately, very wise!

It is like a journey that I suppose that we all have to travel, even with the bad thoughts that seem to consume every waking moment.

I know that I will do it. I do feel empowered to an extent that I have actually made the conscious decision to not have him back - for my own sake. I don''t think that for one minute that I am over him, but I refuse to put my life on hold while he continues to live his amazing new life without me.

I will have a good life without him and he will always have his issues as he won''t address them.

  • elusivesoul
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17 Sep 12 #356460 by elusivesoul
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I just came across this thread and Kazzabell80, your post could have been written by me.
All my family also live abroad, my husband suddenly up and left me with 2 kids and 2 dogs, saying he had been unhappy for a long time, and he''d tried to tell me repeatedly, I just hadn''t listened(!?). Sadly I had to rehome the dogs, even though I didn''t want a dog in the first place, especially a big one! I couldn''t give 2 large puppies the daily exercise they needed with a 2 year old and an 8 year old... My ex also seems to be going through some sort of early midlife crisis.
I also tried everything to make him change his mind - when I promised to do anything he wanted, it was as if I was agreeing with his bs about it all being my fault. When I was angry, I got the: "See how she is, this is what I''ve had to put up with" etc... I thought he sent me mixed signals, but looking back, the signals were very clear, he was just too cowardly to spell them out. He claimed to want a trial separation when his actions and the things he said indicated that he had no intention of returning.
Again, he changed whenever he had a new female friend who he would bend over backwards to help out, and whom he would confide in, yet one of his listed reasons for leaving me were that I dared to be so suspicious and distrusting, dispite his emotional affairs throughout our 5 years together. One of his female colleague friends also recently left her husband, I can only imagine what a rosy picture she must''ve painted of single life.
I went abroad for 3 weeks and the time spent with my family was exactly what I needed. Afterall, your family is always on your side. And talking things through with my sister really made me see the relationship and my ex as they really were. I wasn''t happy with him, and maybe it was the right decision to break up? I''m enjoying my home without his crap in the way, without his presence. I don''t know how he ever fit in this house, lol. Before I went abroad I felt desperately lonely, since I''ve been back I''ve realized that I''m not ready for a relationship with ANYONE, and I wouldn''t take him back unless he would demonstrate an understanding of and remorse for HIS mistakes, as all the trust is now gone.

  • Kazzabell80
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18 Sep 12 #356496 by Kazzabell80
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Having read your reply elusivesoul, our experiences do sound very similar.

I see your point about saying that you would do anything is kind of agreeing that everything is your fault. I hadn''t thought of it that way.

Perhaps his signals were clear but I just wanted it to mean something different and was hanging onto anything that he said that could be viewed as ''a sign''. Sad really but I think that as others have pointed out, I was in the denial stage.

He has no intention of coming home and I see that now. To be honest, at the moment, I don''t want him to come home. I can see him for the person that he is and I don''t need that in my life.

We haven''t spoken since I told him to get out of my life and I feel better for it. I am able to think about myself and it is allowing me emotionally to move forward a step at a time. I am by no means out of the woods, but minimal contact is definately working for me.

I haven''t felt the need to ring/text or check out his facebook page to see what he is up to.

I am beginning to think that perhaps this is best for me. I don''t feel stressed out all of the time, I can relax in the house without worrying about what I am going to be shouted at for next (or given the silent treatment for days on end).

I have also cleared out our wardrobe of all of his clothes. They are all together ready for him to collect. It felt good doing it. I also have a drawer that is slowly starting to collect his things like passport, birth certificate etc - out of sight, out of mind (plus I don''t want him rummaging through all of our important documents and giving him the opportunity to ''accidentally'' remove something that he shouldn''t).

I have had my hair done and can fit in my jeans that I used to wear about 8 years ago (I knew I would get back into them ;)) and am looking a lot better than I have done in years - just trying to work on the inner me....but I am getting there. I feel that I have come a long way since he left - what doesn''t kill you, makes you stronger as the saying goes.

I couldn''t have done it without my fellow Wiki''s :)

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