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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

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Update on my sham of a life!

  • Shoegirl
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07 Sep 12 #354405 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I know, we all do because in some way shape or form, we have been in very similar situations.

I suggested minimal contact, because of the children. Now I have wikifriends who do manage essential contact on the children only extremely effectively. This does not involve debates on the future of the marriage or seeing him daily. Sorry, but I can''t see how this is anything other than torture for you.

My husband had a "friend" too. He was in total denial that it was an affair. Seriously, as crazy as that sounds, I don''t think he actually still to this day considers that when our marriage ended he was having an affair. He just had a really understanding friend who he turned to at his time of need. Seriously, that is how he perceived it. So he was very sincere when he told me that he was not having an affair. I just found the red roses receipts, emails and the evidence of the hotel stays a little later on. I found the evidence when I could bear to face the agonising truth. Denial is very powerful.

He hasn''t given up his bouncer work yet, well remember the watch out for all people in this situation, it''s actions not words that count. Remember that guilt might mean he is feeling confused and this is not necessarily a sign that he wants to return to the marriage.

What do his actions tell you? From experience the words mean little.

I know what it is like to feel you have no other options, that there is no other life out there for you. I''m 20 months on, having had to let go of my marriage to find there is a whole world of wonderful people and things to see and do. I''m happier now than I have been in a long time. I would not have believed it either when I first joined wiki, but I have come a long way since those dark first months of separation.

Remember the saying if you love someone set them free. If they come back, they will always be yours and if they dont they were never yours in the first place. Well, my husband did come back a few months into the separation. Crying, full of regrets the lot. But he never followed up anything with actions, never learned anything from what he had done and so the marriage had no future.

So, let him go. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won''t. Maybe he will come back and learned nothing which means you would probably go through this nightmare all over again at a later point. The key is to rebuild your life, however hard it is so you have options, choices and people to turn to independent of whether he stays or goes. Then you will be able to make a free choice rather than one that could be to do with fear of being alone or dependency. Because given a free choice, why would you want someone capable of treating you so badly.

Hey I''m sorry because I know this stuff is hugely upsetting. But I just want to explain that many have successfully rebuilt a fufilling life after divorce.

Take care and (())

  • mag
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07 Sep 12 #354406 by mag
Reply from mag
Kazza, i dont think i can add much more than whats been said in the excellent posts above. i''m taking these on board for myself too.


i know exactly how you feel. we will get through this.

  • soulruler
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07 Sep 12 #354411 by soulruler
Reply from soulruler
I agree with Mag that is a beautiful post from Shoegirl and good to here that people can move on and have fulfilling lives post divorce and betrayal.

I agree totally that denial is a powerful thing, very difficult when you don''t want to believe that someone has less than honest motives (to a certain, large in my case, degree hard to accept that you have been had - really that you did it unintentionally to yourself).

Remember your children are telling you the truth about how they feel and they have been both witness and subjected to the effects of your marriage to your husband.

Children are far more perceptive than often we realise as adults.

  • pixy
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07 Sep 12 #354420 by pixy
Reply from pixy
My stbx insisted she was just a friend too. In reality I think they hardly ever slept together, but the emotional intimacy is just as much a betrayal as the physical intimacy. And to this day he considers that my actions ended the marriage, not his.

  • donkler
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07 Sep 12 #354423 by donkler
Reply from donkler
Read Shoegirls response again and again and take it as gospel. Please.

  • taff45
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07 Sep 12 #354454 by taff45
Reply from taff45
Oh Kazzabell my heart goes out to you. I our situations are so similar, its a painful place to be for sure.

I know deep down that my relationship with my husband is over but letting go is so hard.

Things happen and I grab onto it in the hope we can fix it and get back together. But this passes and I am left with the reality - he`s gone - there is no going back. Like others here have said it takes two to fix it and I have to face I am the one that has done all the work so far and all the giving. Without him on board its just not going to work.

That said at the end of the day, and especially at night, we are alone with the situation struggling - and that`s an incredibly hard place to be.

On the positive side I am beging to heal, just a tiny bit. When all seems at it`s worst think of your children. That`s my lifeline. I know I don`t have a choice - for their sakes I have to get to a better place.


  • taff45
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07 Sep 12 #354456 by taff45
Reply from taff45
Just wanted to add a personal thanks to Shoegirl. Your post was brilllinat, made so much sense. It`s what I know deep down inside but it really helps when someone shares what they too have found.

You are right Donkler read a it a few times and it has helped.

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