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Eventually had the hardest conversation of my life

  • BaronMitford
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17 Sep 12 #356450 by BaronMitford
Topic started by BaronMitford
I posted my situation in "introduce yourself" a few weeks ago. After about 20 years of predominantly unhappiness, (but also some good times), I knew I had to do something.

I had to talk to my wife and tell her that we had no relationship and hadn''t had for around 20 years and that I had reached the point I couldn''t carry on.

I was dreading the conversation, despite it being something I''ve really needed to have for many years. We really lived separate lives, together, like brother & sister or housemates, no real affection.

My biggest problems were my inner fears! Two weeks ago, before I left for another week working away from ''home'', I said we needed to talk when I returned, as we had no real relationship and hadn''t had for many years.

Last weekend, just after I arrived home, my ''wife'' asked when we were going to talk. Now is as good a time as any!

I said we have no relationship and a couple of months ago, she suggested she would move into the back bedroom. I said that just reinforces the fact we live separately and it''s time we started to live separate lives.

Her reply was, that living in the same house wouldn''t work, so we should sell up and go our own ways.

Turns out, she had gone from Newcastle to Preston last week before our conversation to see our youngest son at university to tell him in person that we would be splitting.

After years of stressing about ''the right thing to do'', about how to start the conversation and worrying about the reaction of the kids (21, 23 &24), it turns out it wasn''t really so difficult at all. We were extremely civilized and calm.

I take no real pleasure from having conquered my fears about having the conversation, and am saddened that I should have failed in my marriage, but could not have faced another 10, 20, 30 years (god willing) in the same relationship.

My wife didn''t even ask why our relationship was wrong or even if we could save it. We couldn''t as far as I was concerned.

I''m sorry for the long post, but if there is anything I can take from my own situation and pass on to anyone else struggling with their own relationship, it is that you should be true to yourself. If you are not happy, face your fears and try to resolve them. Maybe if I had tried harder, things could have been different.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my earlier posts. Your words were a great help. I know that separation & divorce is not going to be an easy path to tread over the coming months; there will be many days/weeks when I wonder, (as indeed will my wife), what have I done? / was it worth it? / could I not have just carried on? ... and I may call on you for support, but I am relieved to at least now have been honest with my wife. We can both move on.

Thanks for listening folks,
Ian.

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28 Sep 12 #358297 by bikemad650
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good luck, you should be ok as kids are old enough to understand, i think that uncertenty of being alone is the worry, i cried many tears when i left the wife and kids, i went off work sick for 9 weeks and received counciling for depression, it does get easier, especially with the counciling helping, im sure you can both sort it without killing each other.keep things calm and good luck

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30 Sep 12 #358562 by BaronMitford
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Thanks for your comments bikemad.

Fortunately, we are being civil and sensible. Neither of us has been happy for years, but have taken the least difficult option of not facing the truth.

Over the years, I too have cried about the futility of the situation and probably will in the coming months but am fortunate that I am now much happier in myself having faced up to reality and hope not to need to seek counselling. I did the depression thing alone some 16 years ago and came out the other side not too badly.

I guess what makes it "easier", is that there is no-one else involved in the breakup, just two people who no longer wish to remain together. Neither of us has had feelings for each other for many years.

Thanks again for your kind comments.

  • Munchbunch
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01 Oct 12 #358737 by Munchbunch
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Thank you for posting this.
I am hoping to pluck up the courage to have this conversation this week. I don''t imagine that my conversation will be anywhere near as easily received, if for no other reason than we have a boy of 23 months, but it''s a conversation that needs to be had.
As for what comes after that, scares the crap out of me, but it has to be better than where we currently are.
Good luck for the future.

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02 Oct 12 #358972 by BaronMitford
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Hi Munchbunch,

I''m sorry you find yourself at the point of trying to find the courage to speak to your husband with a view to splitting. I''ve had a quick read of your earlier posts and would simply make the point that you must be sure that you have done everything you can to change/resolve your situation.

I don''t suppose trusting after discovering a possible affair is easy.

Sitting saying nothing and being miserable for years (as I did) is the easy option.

If you are sure, absolutely sure that there is no future for you both, then I wish you the very best with your conversation.

It takes a huge amount of personal courage to find the right words and say them out loud. The sense of relief I found in talking to my wife was huge, and I feel so less stressed at having done it.

If you are really sure there is no other course of action, GOOD LUCK.

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