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relationship with ex in laws.

  • onmyown2010
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14 Oct 12 #360963 by onmyown2010
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just after other peoples thoughts and experiences if thats ok.

stbx had an affair with work colleague 2 years ago( they are still together).She has children (not his) and so do we although our are all teenagers.

He has limited contact with 1 of our children no contact with the others. In the 2 years he has only taken our children out once.

i broke contact with ex inlaws after about 6 mths of us splitting up i couldnt handle the lies that were being told. All to protect my stbx.

This February she got back in contact asking if we could start again as she missed me and the children. I have never stopped them seeing the grandparents that was their own choice as they were being lied too by both dad and grandparents.

I reluctantly agreed thinking it would be a good move, as the children would hopefully be able to get some sort of relationship back with grandparents and possibly the rest of his side of the family.

Roll onto now, still very limited contact they are not really making any effort to see the children or myself as that was what she said she wanted. i have found out that they have all been out with stbx and new family. yet according to mil she has no contact with ow and her children.yet this is obviously not the truth as not only are they spending time with them they are going out on daytrips together. yet our children their grandchildren are having no involvement in either dads life or theirs.

i was the daughter in law for 20+ years and just feel that they should tell the truth as to whats happening or dont have any contact with me whatsover. I dont understand why they want me to still be in their lives yet continue to treat me like im stupid/ or have no feelings.

Maybe they feel that by not telling the truth they are not hurting me further but by hiding things they are hurting me twice.

Other peoples thoughts and opinions please.

Sorry for long post and rant just feel very hurt and dont know which way to deal with this. i also feel angry on behalf of our children as dad dont do anything or show interest in them.

thank you if you got this far.

  • busy bee
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14 Oct 12 #360967 by busy bee
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Hi Onmyown

I can understand that you are in a really difficult place and I went through something similar although thankfully, my ex in laws have been and continue to be supportive.

You don''t say how far away they live - could that be a reason as to why they aren''t in contact?

Do you think that they are going out with your stbx because they are being invited or are they the instigators? The difficulty for them is that they still have a son who they still love and don''t want to lose and they could feel that they are between a rock and a hard place trying to keep both sides happy...

I would suggest that you do need to broach the subject and make it completely clear to them that ''fibbing'' or hiding the truth from you is actually doing more harm than good. If you find it hard face to face, I always find a handwritten letter helps as it is still a very personal way to communicate and much better than by email or, heaven forbid, text. I had to do something similar in explaining to my ex family that I have to be told the truth when my ex started seeing his girlfriend and although it hurt like hell, I would rather hear it from them than on the grapevine (my ex mother in law is a touch tactless and she even told me that I would actually like his new girlfriend - I almost choked!)

It is always so hard as you are splitting from an entire family when you divorce after a lengthly relationship. There is a lot of grieving and clearly your ex in laws have missed you otherwhise they wouldn''t have been in touch. Perhaps they find it hard to keep in touch because of your stbx - could he be making it difficult for them, playing the guilt / loyalty card for his own selfish reasons (after all he is not particuarly encouraging them to remain in contact with their grandchildren and he is not a fantastic father figure to his own kids...). The reason I am saying this is a little from experience - I have just found out my ex has told his parents that I no longer want to socialise with them which is a total lie - we are very close. In fact closer than they are to him I think and they didn''t believe their own son and got in touch with me straight away!

Another thing, you say your children are teenagers - can''t you leave it to them to get in contact with your ex in laws...? they are old enough to have a say after all.

Stay strong and don''t fret about the little things because ultimately the children haven''t suffered from the lack of contact I am sure.

It takes time to stop growling everytime the ow is mentioned and coming up with imaginative ways to ''do her in'' but it does come

BusyBee x

  • onmyown2010
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14 Oct 12 #360969 by onmyown2010
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thank you Busybee for your reply. the ex inlaws live about 5 minute walk from us. stbx works 5 minutes away the other direction.

When i wasnt in contact with inlaws neither were the children. if i dont answer the phone they would have no contact or initiate contact with their grandparents. dad hasnt seen them since xmas eve last year. he has seen the youngest as she was in hospital and he was contacted and did come to see her.

Thats how his contact with her is limited its only been happening since september.

As for my inlaws i also know they have contact with a couple who used to be our best friends. the couple are still in contact with my stbx but not me as i broke all contact when the man in the couple attacked me on their doorstep. yet my inlaws see nothing wrong in inviting them into their home. yet seem to still want me to be part of their life. i cant keep doing it and have my nose rubbed in it all the time.

but on the otherhand if i pull contact then i know children will pull contact too then once again im then accused of keeping the grandchildren from them. but i cant go on distrusting everything they say.

  • busy bee
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14 Oct 12 #360973 by busy bee
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who would acuse you of pulling contact though OMO and do they really matter?

Your children will know (because you tell them) that they can speak to their grandparents at any time and they are walking distance for them. You can even put their phone number on your home phone to make it easier for them...

If your stbx dares to acuse you, tell him where to go and what to do with himself...

As I said before, write to your ex inlaws and state that you are not happy with the situation and that if they want to maintain contact, here are the ground rules (and this includes not lying to you).

Act with dignity and know that you are the higher person.

x

  • fairylandtime
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14 Oct 12 #360974 by fairylandtime
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Hi onmyown2010

I was in a similar situation, trying to keep contact with X''s in laws but tbh, now if the kids (also teenagers) want to visit then I will take them and pick them up but not go in (or at least try not to) as why put yourself in that situation with the hurt etc.

Self-preservation really, my x told them almost as to why we split and I don''t want to know or have anything thrown at me (mil was and is not know for her tact).

From their side it is all about perceptions, their perception of their son and what he tells them, blood is thicker than water & in HMO I would say to them & the kids I will take you & drop you but cannot stay.

& yes it was 20+ years for me but it makes no difference really they believe what they want to believe and that wasn''t me :)

Stay strong JJx

  • onmyown2010
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14 Oct 12 #360978 by onmyown2010
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thank you both for your replies. the children know their grsndparents number and their dads. i know my stbx and my inlaws will blame me, i was blamed the last time contact was withdrawn.

They know he had an affair but choose to ignore that fact(my fil had affair years ago and mil took him back.) Mil also told the children that granddad had an affair and she knows how i feel.

may just do as you suggest Busybee and write a letter i know if i speak to them whilst upset i will say too much.

I havent been in their house since about a mth after we split when they were still sort of on myside. he is an only child and our children are the only grandchildren. dont think there will be anymore as ow is nearly 50

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14 Oct 12 #360981 by busy bee
Reply from busy bee
well there you have it... only child so the apple of their eye - one that can do no wrong. Good luck with your letter. As you say, it gives you an excellent opportunity to pick your words carefully and remove all emotion (which only gets in the way) They are the weaker characters to get suckered in by all the nonsense and are happy to make no effort for their only grandchildren. Your ex inlaws are not that impressive as they seem to be happy to believe everything your stbx says and sacrificing a good relationship with the innocent parties in all of this - your children.

Bbee x

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