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How do I move on?? Please help

  • bulldog
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11 Dec 14 #451410 by bulldog
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Hi wikis,

I really need some help from you all.....again!! Still in the same situation with ex husband living with best friend. But how do you get closure or move on when it''s in your face constantly. The only place I used to get any peace of mind is when i go to mass every week but sure enough they turned up there as well. My mouth went dry and I was shaking so much and all out of pure anger and hatred for them both. O ur eldest 3 kids are just tolerating him at the moment but they''re old enough to make up their own minds and I have worked hard at getting a regular routine for our youngest wh o is 8. She came home last night after putting their tree up. But while I know it''s the best thing for her seeing her dad regularly it absolutely destroys me knowing that two faced **** is playing happy families with our youngest child after hurting me and our older children so much. Thiis is all 5 months old now and I can''t seem to get past it or move on. How can I let this go????
Bulldog

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11 Dec 14 #451411 by afonleas
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Bulldog,
This sounds so easy,but I know it will be so hard also...
Finally accept that your a better person than they are,acknowledge this too yourself daily...

You have moved forwards in so many ways,why let this stop your chance of future happiness,and it will if you let it fester inside of you.

If they can live without any remorse or shame let them,sometimes we have to take the morale high ground and this is one such time.Let them carry on,playing Happy families etc...all a farce,all built on deceit,a house built on sand will not weather a storm;)
Actually if she is prepared to put up with his problem,that''s okay also,because that will also drive a wedge between them at some point.

The hard part though is distancing yourself from the situation,but this you must do,for the sake of yourself and the kids,and actually he is not worth the stress your going through now.
Use those stress level''s thinking about what you will wear to your xmas party,it will be more productive:) :)

All will be well,when you decide he is not going to hurt you anymore..

Take care Hun
Cwtchs
Afon Xxx

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11 Dec 14 #451412 by bulldog
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You''ve just said what I fear the most......that if I let it, it will fester. But I don''t know how to stop it. I didn''t even feel this bad when we got divorced because I knew it was over. But this feels like they''re having an affair. I''m constantly wondering what they''re doing etc and it drives me mad. And I''m so confused cos I don''t love him or even want him back. She won''t change him cos he''s still at the bookies so why is this consuming me???
Bulldog

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11 Dec 14 #451414 by polar
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I can relate to this . Images , images, images running through your head. Gawd I had that for ages.
You have got to look at why you are letting this happen. Yes only one person did it to you.
But you are letting ONE persons actions dictate your actions. There is a wall to climb. Just like the ones on army assault courses. You can struggle all you want to climb that wall. Impossible. You cant climb over it without someons help. Thats how your life has been. You have relied on that other person to make you happy.

Now

The really smart person doesn''t climb that wall . They go around it !!! Then the obstacle has been conquered. And you have the wall between you and your old life and whatever happens on the other side of that wall cannot hurt you.

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11 Dec 14 #451415 by Marshy_
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bulldog wrote:

Thiis is all 5 months old now and I can''t seem to get past it or move on. How can I let this go????
Bulldog


Hi Bulldog. Sorry to hear that you feel this way still. Five months seems like a long time feeling this way but its not really. But there is a lot you can do.

But first. There isnt anything (I think) called moving on. We cant just move on. Its not like liking pink and decide you like red. This happened. You were part of it so moving from your past is not possible. Your past is static. It cant be changed or anything. But it is the past and you can leave it there. Park it.

But what is possible? Learning to cope is more like it. We cope with lots of things in life. Prices rising. Busses and trains late. Milk going off and no tea bags left. But we deal with it. Ok these are trivial things. But we deal with coping with trivial things in exactly the same way as we deal with major things. By developing coping mechanisms.

So how do we develop these coping mechanisms? Like most things we want to do the the easy way we sneak up on them. You could start by recognising them as a couple. You could also recognise that its over between you both. You could also recognise that your not always going to feel the same way about them. Think of all the things you "ought" to feel and then try them on. Ok some of these things are going to stick in your craw. Esp the one about them being an item. I get that. But realise that one day you will. Not outwardly mind. No one is suggesting you go upto **** and shake his hand and say, "hope all goes well for you. I accept what you have". No no no sister. Coping is just for you. You own this and you dont have to share.

You may think that just considering something in a different way is not going to work. But it does. Take politics. We believe and have views because (mostly) someone connects with us and gives us a view. And often our views change. What we are actually doing is learning to cope with things in a different way. Thats how it works. We try views on for size. Like Red. I used to like pink but red seems to suit me better. We may have been passionate about pink. But now? This other view seems better. Coping in action and I think a simple way of explaining the process.


So coping I think is what you need. So what does coping give you? No more anger at seeing them. Imagine seeing someone in church. Some random person. You dont see red when you see them. You feel nothing. And thats how you feel. Ok perhaps you may laugh at someone wearing some weird hairdo or a tie or something. Thats all it will be.

Despite what my ex did to me and put me thru, I now have the ability to laugh at her. Laugh at them. Laurel and Hardy. And I couldnt do that if I didnt learn to cope. Coping has made it all possible. But I have not moved on. I cant. And I never will. What happened happened. I cant change that. But I parked it. In the past. Where it belongs.

Coping gives you acceptance and acceptance often the 1st and hardest phase to get under your belt.

The last thing I want to say to you is about anger. Anger is a useless emotion. Seeing red just raises the blood pressure and can make you do daft things. Its a waste of time feeling angry. So you ought to try and do something about this anger. It serves you know purpose at all. Hope some of this helped. Marshy.

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11 Dec 14 #451418 by Marshy_
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bulldog wrote:

so why is this consuming me???
Bulldog


Recognise some of what you feel is connected to something you cant have. Not sure if you buy shoes. You want this pair badly. But when you get them? Suddenly, you dont really want them. Its the same principle. There is a want not a need. You didnt need the shoes. You just wanted them. And as soon as you got them, the want evaporated and your left without a need.

You want him cos he is with someone else. But what you actually need is not him. And its about learning to differentiate between wanting something and needing something. So if by some weird quark of faith he was back with you, you wouldnt want him at all. Cos you dont need him. And you need to see this.

Fear. Thats a bad thing. Fearing that you will turn into someone or something. Bitter and twisted. But you can do something about it. Heck you have done something. You are talking about it and you recognise your fears. Thats all good. If you recognise something and head it off, thats killing it. You will be fine. And you only have to fear, fear itself.


Marshy.

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11 Dec 14 #451426 by bulldog
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Wow!!!! Thank you Afon, polar and marshy. I keep reading all your posts over and over and each time I read it I feel a little better. Yes Marshy, coping strategies is what is needed here. Coping with what''s happened rather than trying to change it. I just need to focus on the future when my mind starts drifting back to the past.
Bulldog

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