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first holiday without stbx

  • Shoegirl
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16 Jul 13 #401130 by Shoegirl
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I went on holiday with my family just over a year after he left me.

The first thing I noticed at that time is that I felt very neutral about going. I used to look forward to holidays with my ex because I wanted to spend that time together without him being nasty or distracted and holidays always used to represent that hope for me. False hope as it turned out. Holidays with my ex always resulted in him withdrawing further and me desperately trying to find a way for the holiday to be a success

I''m sharing this because holidays with my ex weren''t great and they tarnished my experience of holidays and breaks away. Holidaying with the family will be different. I just let my family know that I would love to go exploring on my own as well as spending time with them. The highlight of the holiday for me was going off one day on my own with a camera and walking for miles by the sea.

When you are grieving and coming to terms with loss it is a heavy load to carry. You can''t help but think of the past and holidays but what I did was to try to enjoy the moment as much as possible. I''d marvel at the beauty of the sea and other things like that and put my efforts into capturing it in a picture. I have a lovely set of photos from that family holiday.

My family were ok about me wandering off on my own and meeting them for dinner. I was honest that sometimes I just needed to walk and think rather than walk and talk. You can find the right balance of being together and separate. Just let people know casually before you leave so you aren''t worrying and before your family start making grand plans that involve you. If you let them know to give you the option to join in the plans then everyone knows where they stand.

Treat it as practice moving from the people pleaser position to a new place where you expect to be able to negotiate what happens on the holiday so your needs are met. I get it that this will be an adjustment for your family too but it''s one they need to get their heads around. It is something you will need to face into sooner rather than later so you might as well do it now.

If you deal with it before you leave then it will help avoid conflict or misunderstanding on the holiday. I said to my family that I was going on the assumption that I had their support to spend time alone as well as together and I would let them know each day what I would be doing. If they would like me to be around for things they were planning i asked them to let me know before we left so no assumptions were made.

It seemed to work fine negotiating in this way. Seems that you may be concerned that you will default into people pleasing and get even more drained by this holiday being about everyone else and not you. Trust yourself not to let this happen anymore and trust your gut instinct on what right for you . If the family don''t like it then that''s for them. You choosing to spend time alone doesn''t need to have an impact on anyone else, it doesn''t stop them doing what they want. Just set expectations early would be my advice and stick to your guns.

  • absolution
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16 Jul 13 #401131 by absolution
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Excellent advice sg. After getting the house proceeds I treated my daughter and I to 5 days in Rome. Deliberately chose a city I hadn''t been with ex as didn''t want to taint happy memories. First family hols without him. Determined to prove we could do it and have a good time. He used to be the organiser. It was an overwhelming success;I''m only too aware that it hasn''t been easy for our daughter.

Look forward to hearing all about it upon your return Abs x

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16 Jul 13 #401237 by littlegreen
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Thanks to everyone for your advice. It''s really helpful to get some perspective on things.

I have spoken to my brother who is really easy going and was very supportive. His inlaws, who are wonderful people will want to mother me a bit because they think thats whats needed. Going off on your own would suggest to them that all is not well. My brother is going to speak with them and explain that time on my own doesn''t mean anything bad.

I have been out shopping today and once I got started there was no stopping me. I popped into the hairdressers and had a trim and I am feeling ok. My camera is all set to go and the weather looks like its going to be good :) :)

I know exactly what you mean Shoes about holidaying with the X, I did everything, decided where we would go, what hotels we stayed in, booked everything. sourced good restaurants, concerts, hell I even bought his clothes for him. He usually just trudged behind me looking miserable. The reality check is that the holdiays we had were not as good as I made out they were. Why would they be with someone who didn''t get involved in anything, barely spoke and always seemed to be able to snub out my exitement with a mere look.

One of the things that I really don''t like is how I do not seem able to listen, watch or do some of the things that I did even before I met my stbx. A long time ago I got into cycling with my brother, we cycled lands end to john o groats, went to France ahead of the tour de france and cycled some of the moutains. We had a lot of good times and some wonderful memories.

Last year whilst in France, stbx and me took in a stage of the tour and followed it daily. It was a great year for British cycling. This year I cant bring myself to watch it because it instantly makes me think of him. It''s wrong on so many levels because he''s never even been on a bike, doesn''t know anything about cycling but somehow managed to push me out of conversations with my brother and actually made me feel that what I had done when I did cycle was a nothing. Comments like, so what, you''ve cycled one end of the country to the other and.

Seriously what is there to miss about these miserable, controling, arrogant, angry people.

I was going to make a start on my packing but i''ve just realised he''s taking all the cases with him...oh well more shopping tomorrow :lol:

Thanks again to you all.

LG xXx

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16 Jul 13 #401245 by livinginhope
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I''m sure you''ll have a great time.I relate to all you say about Ex making things miserable for you.It was a novelty for me being on holiday with someone easy going who actually enjoyed my company.

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16 Jul 13 #401258 by afonleas
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Holidays were going to be a worry for myself.When married we holidayed several times a year,yes we worked hard so these times were well needed.
So back in my early posts I mentioned my holidays,kind wiki''s reassured me all would be well,bit I remained doubtful.

Going on a few months,after I had made many friends on wiki,and especially in Chat,it was decided that another wiki and myself would take the plunge and toddle off to Tunisia.

Well a very cold night in December,after a very eventful journey from Wales:( we met on Crewe station at about 2.00 in the morning,this was the first time we had met also.What more is there to say.....
From that initial meeting,we have not stopped laughing,we are spending a few days in London in two weeks time and off to Morocco in November.

The beauty of our friendship is we both decide what we want to do and meet somewhere in the middle:dry: :dry:but there are no expectations from either of us,we just take it has it comes,and holidays now are just that......Rest and recuperation,with fun and shopping thrown in:)

So Lg,go and enjoy,yes it will be differant,but we all should learn to embrace this change in our lives...

Luv and cwtchs
Afon xx

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16 Jul 13 #401268 by Shoegirl
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Afon what a lovely inspiring post :)

LG ditto on the misery, spending time trying to cajole, trying to please, arranging etc only to be rewarded with silence at best and at worst outward complaining or passive aggressive behaviour. My ex was at his worst on holiday.

Your mention of a suitcase brought back a memory. Ex and I had these little matching suitcases that you could take as hand luggage. We used them a lot. Quite soon after we got them the wheel on my exs case broke and we never quite got round to sorting it out. He made do by carrying it rather than pulling it.

Anyways after he left, I noticed he had taken one of the cases and I was fully expecting that he would have left me the broken one. But no, he had left me the one that was mine and was not broken. I recall being pleasantly surprised by this uncharacteristic display of consideration.

Alas it wasn''t to last. My ex moved out and some 7 months later, I had removed the remainder of his stuff to storage and i had the conversation about respecting my privacy and not entering the FMH blah blah. Anyway seemed he had other ideas. All those months later after he had moved out and his stuff was no longer in the house, he sneaked in when I was at work and swapped the case over! Yes he took the one that wasn''t broken and left me with the useless one. All those months later. Clearly he had made a mistake by leaving the broken one in the first place. I laughed my head off when I realised what he had done. How desperate!

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17 Jul 13 #401270 by littlegreen
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Aw Afon what a lovely lovely story. I think thats really great, it made me smile.

Shoes how desperate indeed, but true to form maybe.

It seems like all the holidays taken without the stbx''s have all been a success. It will be such a blessed relief not to have to pretend anymore that our holidays were good.

My first holiday without my stbx will be taken with no expectations but there is one thing for certain I wont come home feeling empty, dull and disappointed. I will find some time to do my own thing and when I am with my family I will try to live for the momemt. I will be with my youngest brother who I adore and my 2 year old nephew who is adorable. It''s been an age since I played with a bucket and spade...whats not to like.

Thanks again everyone

LG xXx

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