I''ve been dying to say these words for soooo long. I have made it my mission from day one of my separation that HE would NOT ruin the rest of my life. My divorce wasn''t going to define me.
But of course it hasn''t been as simple as that. Despite my impatience to get on with my life and get over him, I''ve found that there is no quick fix, no shortcuts, no magic wand that I could wave. I had to go through the pain, deal with the hurt, acknowledge my feelings and let time do the healing. I''ve read the books, done the counselling, cried the tears and talked until I''m bored of hearing the same words coming out of my mouth.
But now I can finally say it:
I AM OVER HIM!
I feel like putting it on a great big banner outside my house in huge letters for the whole world to see.
There have been times when I didn''t believe I''d ever get there, but the last few weeks I''ve slowly realised that days have actually gone by without me thinking of him. I''ve driven past my old house without flagging him off discreetly under my steering wheel or having a tourette''s outburst under my breath!!!
The real lightbulb moment came 2 weeks ago. I turned up to watch my son''s football match and unexpectedly saw him there.
I felt nothing. His presence didn''t affect me at all. I glanced at him, looked away, carried on watching the game and didn''t notice him again. I felt no hatred, no bitterness, no love. Like Marshy has said before, I just thought of him as someone I used to know. I definitely don''t know him any more!
It was bizarre. At the end of the game I would''ve said hello if our paths had crossed but they didn''t so I just drove away with a sense of calmness.
Wow! What a breakthrough.
I can''t even put my finger on it but there has definitely been a shift in my mindset. Maybe it was a blunt remark my sister came out with a couple of months ago. I was ranting over something I''d found out about him and the OW. She turned to me and said ''What does it matter? It''s HIS life. It''s no concern of yours. It''s been two years so just get on with it!''
I was so upset and angry at the time. I felt like I''d been slapped in the face and was stunned by her insensitivity.
But weirdly it had a lasting impression on me. She''s right. It is HIS life. I don''t own him. I never owned him when we were together. I can''t control anything that he does. Why waste time obsessing over him instead of focusing on MY life.
I spent this summer doing exactly what I''ve wanted to do. I''ve never felt quite as settled in my whole life. I''ve embraced my own company for the first time ever. I had days when I just pottered in my house on my own – happy just to be. That''s a first for me. I''ve always been restless, and active and on the go, but I felt a strange calmess and it''s been so refreshing. And the best thing is that this feeling has been consistent – not up and down but a constant feeling of being at peace for the last two months.
I''ve accepted its over. I''ve accepted he''s with the OW. I can talk about what happened in a detached way. It''s almost like it happened to someone else, not me. I''ve even counselled a couple of friends recently going through the same thing. But the best thing is, I can accept that this was meant to be. I''m finding myself again and I really like the person I''ve become. I''m more real, more intuitive, much more open, far stronger and wiser, and I appreciate everything I have and relish all the simple pleasures in life.
Hope that''s not too sloppy, Feels like an Oscar''s speech!! But it''s all true.
Not sloppy at all Patsy, it''s just wonderful to read how you''ve come to a place of indifference and acceptance, and are enjoying your life. I feel like blowing a party hooter or popping the champagne for you!!
So true - there is no way around it but through it, and I smile at your saying you got bored with the same talk coming from your mouth (I bored myself and friends / family silly with the same ranting about ex and OW). It''s like you have to say it and think over it a million times until your mind finally accepts it without shock or distress.
I haven''t reached the stage of indifference yet; when I have to pick up or drop off the kids at his place I still get a thumping heart and dry mouth and have to steel myself to smile and be polite. But slowly it becomes easier - last year I would sob after dropping them off, or raise my middle finger at the house as I drove off (undignified even if they didn''t see it). Yesterday I saw OW staring at me through a window and afterwards thought I should have waved, and would have been pleased with myself if I had. But not quite there yet!
Oh Vastra - believe me I used to feel exactly the same as you when I dropped the kids off, even just a few months ago, but now I don''t even look up at the house. I just drive away without a second glance. Must be hard for you though to have the OW looking back at you. I''d find that really tough.
I didn''t mention that yesterday my teenage sons met the OW for the first time. They hesitantly told me last night. I thought it would have crucified me, but i just listened calmly when they told me that she''d turned up at their dad''s. I wasn''t devastated, but neither did it thrill me to think that my ex would deem it appropriate to introduce my lovely children to the woman who harassed and verbally attacked me in such a vicious way . But that''s his decision and I can''t control his actions.
I had to smile though. They both said that they grunted at her, put on their shoes and got out as fast as they could!! My youngest said ''Mum I can''t believe he would go out with her. She''s not half as pretty as you and she''s got a rubbish car (??) haha! He then proclaimed : ''It''s like trading in an i phone for a Nokia!!!''
I just love my boys so much, and at least they are loyal, unlike their father.
Onwards and upwards! Hope you get there soon Vastra x
Really good to hear that Patsy..
it''s a great feeling, especially when you saw him and felt nothing.
I''ve had no contact with mine for over two and a half years now, so it might feel odd to see him I don''t know....Not the fact I care about him or her, but I hate people and don''t have them in my life now who act appallingly badly.
I wish I could say I was over the ex harridan........ But unfortunately I''ve still got another 5 years of giving it the £5000 a year tax free holiday fund..... it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it
All the best