" it''s just like how can it be over? How do you just not care anymore? How is it so easy for guys/gals to go on in life acting like you meant nothing to them ? How How How ... "
-A lovesagame reader
I know I asked myself that question a long time ago .
" Why did it end ? "
Why did he/she said the things they said ? "
"What could I have done differently ? "
I spent months contemplating on these painful questions my self .And every time I did ? I got caught up more and more in this vicious cycle .
Life quicksand..the more you try to escape the deeper you sink in .
It was only when I decided to stop that ,mi started to feel much better .
What I did not realise is that at the beginning it is impossible to fully grasp the answers to these questions .
I felt a compulsion to understand but I could not . And , I would not get it even if my Ex explained it in painstaking detail ( in most cases they simply can''t anyway )
It is later in recovery that we can put one and one together , answer those questions ourselves AND learn from answers ..
When I accepted that , it was easier to stop .
We do not need the answers to those questions to heal .
We do not need closure to heal .
And we do not to know why ... At the time
All I realised that I needed was the willingness to move on and do what was necessary .
That took me a long time to work out , involved counselling , and talking a lot
Ruminating over the " why " is a big waste of healing time and energy .
I know that it is hard to stop , but please try. TAKE ONE HOUR, ONE DAY AT A TIME .
I focused a lot on guitar to break that . Thinking about scales in my head .
Seeing a guitar instructor to keep me focused . Set myself a goal of taking a guitar exam . This I did yesterday , I am awaiting of my result . However, it felt good that I had practised a lot to reach that Grade and I feel I have achieved that .
My passion and love of music helped me to break out of that vicious cycle of thoughts that caused so much unnecessary pain .
A dear friend of mine once said . Why do I allow the Ex room in my headspace . And more importantly here is a question for you .
Why do we think that our Ex is responsible for our happiness ?
I am trying not to be prescriptive as each one of us has to travel our own journey , at our own pace and healing . That is what I have learned along my journey .,
it would be interesting if others would like to share their journey .
No matter what stage you are at .
Your story , may just ring with someone . and that someone may gain some hope , courage and strength to face another day . Another hour even . Even sharing your pain , and emotional turmoil may help .
WIKI sure has been a massive crutch for me .
Great post Declan, and good luck with your exam!
Those "why" questions... and the endless rumination over the details of the cheating and betrayal, that was the most excruciating part in the beginning. Quicksand is a great analogy.
Your reasoning and logic is always spot on Declan. To me, marriage is as important as having a family . Its a choice you make involving someone who feels the same. I except there will always be difficulties and some are not rectifiable but you cant just give your family away if you care about them, get over it and move on. Im sure you think about your children every day. Our children cause us pain and heartache but we love every single part of them. I thought my marriage was forever, for better or worse, sickness and health and all that.
I will make the best of what I have but it certainly wont be what I wanted or expected after 32 years of marriage.
Did we dream of getting older together ?.
Well I did !!
Did we pull the rope in the same direction through the hard times ?.
Did I forgo the luxuries that I could afford to further someone elses ambition ?.
Did I trust someone?
Did I miss something?
YES BIG TIME !!
My glasses must have been really rose tinted !!!
As you say why allow space in your head for someone like that?
Because they filled your life for so long and suddenly there is a massive void.
One of the interesting things that happened recently was that I met a girl who used to babysit my daughter 28 years ago. Her words may have hurt a long time ago but not now.
'''' I never liked your x , they were weird''''
Funnily enough she is not the only one to have said this to me.
Its filling that void in the brain that becomes difficult.
You do manage it and things get better and better over time until they no longer take up every single second of your day and fade to a point where you do not spend even one single second thinking about them.
There are far more important things to do !!