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  • NewDawnNewLife
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29 Jan 11 #248391 by NewDawnNewLife
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Thanks Sozzled

That seems like good advice, because I think I was in danger of the knee jerk reaction of self examination and trying to change certain aspects of my character & lifestyle.

I think the kids do know that I’ve never tried to do anything other than what I thought was right at any one time. They have said as much, “our respect for you hasn’t changed at all, but even if we do rebuild a relationship with our mother, it’ll never be the same. How are we supposed to take guidance and any form of discipline from someone who’s shown their true morals, and done this to us all?” Good point I suppose?

One of them even said, “I thought I’d really miss my mother…….but I don’t. We’re all getting along so much better”. This is, I believe, is because they say she’s been really snappy with them for quite some time now. Apart from feeling a fool about the obvious signs regarding the mobile phone usage etc and the constant need to be away from the house on various non-productive shopping trips, I feel guilty about not having noticed some of the things that were going on under my nose regarding my wife’s attitude towards the kids.
They have said that I always backed her in these arguments (minor tiffs, more than anything else, you know, what I considered to be part of normal married life but my wife viewed this as intolerable behaviour and justification to deceive us all), which is ironic, because that is the exact same claim that my wife made. Apparently I never backed her in ANY disputes either? That’s some skill that, backing no one, whilst backing both sides??

Although the atmosphere in the house has (weirdly, in my view - I have obviously been living in a trance, or I suppose some would accuse me of ignorance?) improved, not everything at home is running smoothly. The deceit of my wife has made me more cautious and my apparent need to keep talking about my wife, has wore thin with the kids at times as they appear to want to move on and forget about her. I know they won’t be able to do that entirely, but because my wife isn’t in touch with them, and when she has been, it’s been instigated by others including myself, they are digging their heels in to. I have encouraged them to start to build a relationship with their mother, but until she starts to contact them regularly of her own accord, I believe they are of the opinion that she doesn’t care so why should they?
I’ve also stressed that, because of my state of mind regarding the deceit, I can’t be expected to take anymore lies, so I’ve asked them, if your Mother gets in touch can you tell me straight away? My reason being, because of my heightened sense of paranoia, I didn’t wish to find out second hand that some meeting or something was going on behind my back. Unfortunately, after stressing this point several times, it’s happened already, and I did (in the words of the kids) over react. Difficult times!

You say I’ll have more time to myself, and perhaps it’s just because it’s early days I can’t really appreciate that. I don’t want more time to myself. Possibly because we were never given the opportunity to rectify our ways (again the kids have reassured me that there wasn’t really anything to change dramatically; yes laundry etc, but nothing too remarkable) it’s acting as a stumbling block for me to move on the next step. Can’t help thinking “what if”? I need to stop this, because it’s futile. I realise this, and I’m sure a hell of a lot of you guys have been there, or are there now. Constantly asking “what if”, “what if”. I can reason with myself and say, we are where we are, there is no point in thinking “what if”, but before I know it, there’s that thought again!

I saw a really interesting thread here about “what can you do now that you couldn’t do before” and there were some really interesting points. It did also highlight the abusive relationships a lot of people had been in, but it’s like saying I have more time to myself, and my answer that, I don’t want more time to myself, if I’d posted on that thread, the answer would be “nothing”! Is it just because it’s early days, but I was happy, I was content, there isn’t anything that I can do now, that I couldn’t do before. If anything because of financial constraints, it’s more likely going to be “what can’t I do now, that I used to be able to do”! It’s all sent to test us, and I’m definitely been tested at the minute.

Thanks for listening (or should I say reading?)

  • bestridofhim
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29 Jan 11 #248403 by bestridofhim
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Hi and good morning (feels like afternoon I have been awake since 5am but thats nothing new) lol
I have to say it never ceases to amaze me why does the person that is doing the wrong thing always make out you forced them to leave because you did this that and the other and try to make you feel guilty when it was just an excuse to start a row ,go for a walk/ shop/drive and go ring/see their ' new' friend presumably just to let them know how bad life is with you. I think they are just trying to justify their guilty concience. my stbx did this and like you I didn't see it coming but then you will go through a stage where you think ,how could I have not seen it and want to kick yourself ,its a big shock i know but just a word of advise some people change and not for the better and you sound a genuine and nice person and your children love and respect you just the way you are. My stbx after he left tried to poison my children into thinking he was still mr nice guy and i had a screw loose and his affair was all in my imagination ,I had to sit back and wait for them to find out the truth for themselves which was hard ,he has now lost any respect and contact and one of them was so upset when she found out what he had been up to it broke my heart - of course thats my fault too .
You will come though this with dignity and pride still intact. You have also made new friends ,the people on wiki are great :).

  • NellNoRegrets
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29 Jan 11 #248409 by NellNoRegrets
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As for domestic drudgery - I did all the housework, bar the occasional vacuum - and all the gardening. I still do, except that I don't have to wash ex's work shirts, rugby kit twice a week, footie kit once a week any more. I don't have his muddy boots cluttering up my utility room.

I don't have his beermat collection hogging space in the wardrobe.

I now clean when I feel it needs doing, I don't feel the need to rush about making things tidy for when he comes home, or get dinner ready. I eat what I want when I want. I don't buy clothes that need ironing. I've shown my teenage sons how to use the washing machine and the iron, and the oven.

Unlike their father, they aren't constantly criticising and finding fault about domestic chores.

The irony is that now ex has moved in with gf he does cook, wash, etc. He's a regular babysitter while she goes to yoga, evening meetings etc. I sometimes wonder who used to babysit for her before he came along!

  • NewDawnNewLife
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29 Jan 11 #248421 by NewDawnNewLife
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Hi Bestridofhim

Thanks for the kind comments.

This is all SO new to me, I'm learning very quickly. I have been oblivious to divorce, as it's never happened in my direct family. Up until the split, I literally knew nothing of this. I was as I said totally ignorant, can’t help feeling that, perhaps it was that contented ignorance that stopped me seeing the unhappiness in my wife. I knew nothing of all this deceit, and totally trusted her with her mobile phone, and never realised that I'd never saw it getting charged for years, whereas mine lies all over the place, and the text inbox is generally full. I never gave hers a second thought.

I appreciate there’s always two sides to a story, but without my wife really exaggerating her side of the story, there really isn’t any justification for what she did. It concerns me what she’s telling all of her friends and acquaintances. It’s the kids that have really helped me here, by dismissing her claims, because if I’d been by myself I would have believed her fantasy that I was always moaning and arguing “EVERY DAY”. I even doubted the kids because I thought they were just saying anything to comfort me, but after an in-depth discussion where they explained their observations etc they’ve put my mind at rest there. And they’ve told me not to worry about the continued lies, the truth will come out, and if she’s continuing with this charade, she’ll make herself look even worse once it does come out. I'm not so sure it ever will come out, but we'll see.

Still like everyone, I’d love to know the real reasons behind this, but when I have spoken to her, she said, “I’m sorry, I have no excuses, I don't know how it came about, or why I did it. What I did was wrong, I’m sorry”. That just left me more mystified. Having said that, it was followed up by the best part of 20-30 minutes of having a go at me using the most trivial of examples (well they appeared trivial to me? Again, is this me not being considerate? NO, no it’s not, they really were trivial matters and definitely no excuse to behave like she has). I suppose if there are a lot of inconsequential issues they build up into a big problem? Perhaps that what it was, I’ll probably never know?
I don’t like dishonest people, never have, I’m devastated to find out I’ve been so close to a prime culprit

Having talked to one of her best friends, I was shocked to hear her say “******** you need to move on, *********** is no good for you, she’s always been a dark horse”. Although she didn’t expand much, I got the impression she was confirming my thoughts that this is the latest in a string of affairs, and I could feel there was a lot of sympathy in the advice, so I gathered it was a genuine recommendation.

Basically, it’s just because she was found out one too many times that she’s finally admitted to it. Can’t see that there was any real planning in it, because there are particularly recent examples of where we have been making certain plans and purchases where my wife was very involved in the arrangement etc. She wouldn’t have done this if she’d had any plans to leave, or am I trying to apply logic to a situation where logic doesn't fit?

I think that's my problem, I'm trying to apply logical thought, and I have the suspicion that people who have affairs are intrinsically selfish, and logic doesn't come into it at all. I just can’t see how it can?

Anyway, I’m babbling again, I’ll leave it at that. Have to go and do a million things, including taking the kids shopping.

Thanks again

  • NellNoRegrets
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29 Jan 11 #248422 by NellNoRegrets
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I'd just say that although its natural to want answers you won't get any that satisfy if you get answers at all.

My ex's justification for an affair was that I was "horrible" to him - I guess I was, washing his rugby kit, cooking dinners he didn't come home to eat/came home too drunk to eat, etc. How horrid is that?

Oh and his gf was all over him, so he couldn't help himself, could he? Funny thing is, she lost interest when she found out he was married but when they met again a bit later it was "fate" even though, of course, he was still married.

The affair itself was one thing, but what really upset me was that after we had been together 31 years he didn't have the honesty or courage to tell me about it.

The scales really fell from my eyes then. He said he "didn't know how I'd react". What on earth did he think I would do???? He clearly didn't know me at all. He's like a stranger now.

Nell

  • NewDawnNewLife
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29 Jan 11 #248423 by NewDawnNewLife
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Thanks Nell.

Worryingly, I can see some similarities to my own situation in your description of your ex. But I think an important difference is that I would definitely have been willing to change, OR AT LEAST TRY? But was never given the opportunity and to head off and have what I suspect was several affairs and then this one, is inexcusable.

It’s like I say, I can’t glean any logic from it. Basically she’s done EXACTLY what she wanted to do and has had many a year to think about what she’s doing, and the consequences. That also puzzles me (I.e. all these years of being in possession of the facts, knowing what your doing, and surely why?), because all of a sudden, she’s looking for sympathy, saying her “head is in a mess”. I thought, “What a cheek, your head is in a mess, that’s rich”. She makes a conscious decision to do what she’s done, and then it’s everyone else’s fault?? I think it’s what’s called guilt?

Thanks again

  • NewDawnNewLife
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29 Jan 11 #248429 by NewDawnNewLife
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Thanks again Nell

Our cases sound reasonably similar. That's pretty much what I've had. "I was sick of you, you were getting on my nerves. You and the kids were treating me like a slave". Yeah, but she didn't communicate that to us. She at no point laid it on the line. I was always there for her, I don't gamble, womanise etc etc. But unfortunately that wasn't good enough, so it's hopefully onwards and upwards (the upwards being getting over this massive "hill")

Thanks

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