It is true that 'in the UK we are entitlled to hold and state our opinions!'. However, this is supposed to be a supportive community, and the terms in which you have stated your opinions in this thread are not supportive. How do you think Liza feels to post a question to the forum and find herself attacked by another member? She is trying to work out what to do in a very difficult situation. It's clear from the various posts that people are in very different circumstances and have very different views about things, partly because of those circumstances. What we have in common, though, is that we are all going through hard times around divorce, and we should try and learn from these different positions, not attack each other.
If you haven't been working for a while because you and your husband have agreed that it is better for the children for you to stay at home while they are young, then I am sure that it is very difficult to start work again just when everyone is unsettled and the children are upset and disrupted, particularly. This must be particularly hard when they are as young as Liza's youngest, so you can't try and fit your work into school hours and be available before and afterwards. It is great that you have managed to work and bring up your daughters, but that doesn't mean that women (and men) who do things differently are parasites, either on the state or on their former husbands.
thankyou so much for your supportive comments! You made me cry and i hope you are happy with that!
In my own defense, I have 3 children, 11, 8 and 2. i have worked in the past all be it part time and only gave up last year as my husband wanted to work extra hrs as he could bring in alot more than me! As it has always been my responsibility to make sure the kids are looked after and gotten to school, picked up, fed, clothed and washed etc how am i supposed to get a fulltime job when i can't afford childcare and have no family members living remotely close to me to help with the kids? My husband is usually out of the house for 12, 14, even 16 hrs on any given day so it is me who must be there for the kids.
Yes, i will get a job when i have settled in my new home which i might add is humdreds of miles away from where we are now with my parents who will live locally to me so i will have the support i need to be able to get a job. However i need to get the kids settled in the new situation and in new schools where they know no-one and get my life in order first. I can't just expect my mum to take on a 2 yr old who doesn't really know her full time to keep people like you happy. As i will be living on the Isle of man there are no Tax credits available and will have to get money to live on in the first instance any way i can. it takes time to get back on your feet after a separation and lots of family and friends have told me to take abit of time first! This will be the first time i have ever used benefits and am not abusing the system.
Anyway thanks for your insight but i really only wanted the facts and not your opinion on how i'm dealing with it. My life is dificult enough right now without your views.
For everyone else who has replied to the posts on this thread. Now i feel like i am doing something wrong. Ashamed that i have to use benefits in order to live because my husband has ruined my life. thankyou all very much for the kind words in my defense. Fortunately for Julie she can rest easy that none of my benefits will be coming out of her pocket as the IOM has its own government and tax system!
I have already said many times to family that i will be on benefits for as short a time as necessary as i would rather pay my own way and be independant and self sufficient. But i have to house my children and feed them and look after them and if that means benefits in the beginning thaen that is what i will do. Julie has knocked my confidence in what i'm doing and i wonder now if i should not make my husband pay for CM til the house is sold in order to pay the morgage. My rent will be coming in at almost double that though and i will have a very hard time coping - of course that is til i get a job. If anyone has any other suggestions feel free to advise me:(
Just one more point i would like to make. Where in my post does it say i will wait months before getting a job?
All i said was once i am settled. When i found this site i didn't even have a home to go to except my parents which would have been very cramped for us all. i was only talking about a reasonable amount of time to settle us in as a family before looking for work. i won't even have a car when i get there! it is you who has assumed it will be months before i will get off my bum and find a job.
But we can't all be the perfect woman/parent and it may take some time to actually find one but it doesn't mean i won't be looking.
I really would not pay too much heed to the comments made by Julie, she is, afterall, irrelevant to you and your life. She is merely an anonymous person whose views and opinions should not matter to you at all, unless you really want them to.
I didn't read in your thread anything that implied you were trying to take your ex to the cleaners, so I guess, until you say otherwise you aren't.
It is impossible to perceive the type of person that you are, however I think we may have percieved a little more about the type of person that Julie is.
There is no right or wrong way, just your own way and as long as you yourself feel you are doing the right thing with decency and at your own level of morality then that is all that counts. You are the only one that lives with your conscience.
Be who you are, not what others think you should be.
You are very kind even though you must be going through your own problems. like i said i hate to be a burden and feel like i'm being "carried" by others and don't intend to do it for any longer than necessary. As far as i'm concerned, i paid my taxes while i worked and my husband continues to pay which was all shared money so i have nothing to feel bad about.