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mediation...does it work

  • shazza32
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23 Aug 07 #2306 by shazza32
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hi
my head is all over the place at the moment,a week today me and my ex go to mediation..its only took 3 years to get there,and still not divorced .Dont no how im even going to sit in same room as him,cant stand him, hate him for how he left me and kids in such a mess,no help with mortgage or nothing,feel like its all gonna fall apart around me.My ex already told me he going in meeting and he wants 50% of the house...how dare he..has anyone been to mediation ,and does it work..thank you

  • gone1
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23 Aug 07 #2307 by gone1
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Hi Shazz. From what I hear it does work. But you have to able to comunicate. I had the oppetunity to go to mediation and I turned it down on the grounds that I could not sit in the same room as her never mind actualy talk to her. I think thats the bottom line. I have heard that you are in seperate rooms. But not sure. Its a bit like court I think. Sorry your ex left you. It happens. I wish my ex had left. Chris.

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23 Aug 07 #2311 by shazza32
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thanks chris..my soli told me i had to try first,and mediation have told me we are in same room,i have been 1st app was on my own,small room 2 two seater sofas and panic button in room. my problem is we only had mortgage 18 months b4 he left which only paid £4300 off the mortgage,my mortgage is 42000 so i have equity of 100000..i cant pay him off or release money from the house i just dont earn enough well my p60 in april i earnt 4600 for the year and his was 14000 big difference...now he wants half.. when he been gone 3yrs and not paid a penny to the mortgage or kids. I really dont want to do it,sit in that same room as him. If i pay him off when kids r of age thats another 12yrs he always got a hold on me..i cant sell or cohabit cause then i have to pay him off...over a barrel he got me..im so down thinkin about being in same room as him.

  • deb41
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23 Aug 07 #2315 by deb41
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Hi Shazz
I'm in the same boat. My solicitor advised using mediation and I have gone to the trouble of passing details of 2 companies to my ex and he has just turned his nose up. One wrote to him suggesting a date for an assessment and he ignored it. He has now advised that he will get legal aid (how? He earns £25k p.a. and the OW must earn about £15k) and his solicitor advised him to go to mediation. I found out yesterday that I will have to pay full fee of about £600 whilst he gets away with it. This is a man who said he would not admit to a divorce based on his adultery so I have filed for unreasonable behaviour. He is not happy with that either, doesnt like seeing it in black and white is my guess. He has lied and intimidated me for 18 years and I am so rid of him. Now, if he gets legal aid I prob wont even get the court costs awarded to me for the divorce. Plus, he wants 50% of the equity in the house when our youngest is 16, so in 11 years time. He too is not paying the mortgage or any bills yet I am expected to pay those and maintain the house - he can dream on! 50% of the equity at the moment is about £75k which I cant afford to remortgage for that amount, existing mortgage is £46k. It makes my blood boil that the innocent parties are the ones that are left with the stress, worry, and the financial burden while he just wants his cut! Aaarrrghhhhh! We cant talk to each other either, so dont know how it will pan out.

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23 Aug 07 #2317 by shazza32
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thanks deb41
sounds like you are in same boat..i now how your feeling.Ihave got legal aid for mediation due to only earning 100 a week wage..i just dont no how i have survived to pay motgage...well debts have piled so high,everyone after me..but in my eyes my mortgage is more important..keep the roof over my childrens head..age 12 and 6 they are..i started divorce in march 2005,and still not i just dont see an end..how do they get away with not contributing when there name is on it..csa have started taking money out of his wage..£34 a week for both children so sad..and he having high life out all the time..and when i ask him for something for kids,he says he got no money..i really hate him.my mortgage is high and need to change but i cant cause i have to have his say so to...why told them he not lived here for 3yrs and not paid a penny to it..he got me well and truly and he knows that and laughs...life is so crap at the moment,stressing myself out cause i got to be in same room as him...

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23 Aug 07 #2318 by deb41
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Hi Shazz
I am lucky in that I am able to pay the mortgage etc and am not dependent on him. Although on the other hand, it means he walks away scott free from financial commitments. All he is paying is £250 per month, CSA rates, for our two boys - because he is living with the OW and her 2 kids, the first 20% of his take home pay is put aside for them and our boys get 20% of 80%! How's that for fairness! To be honest, we are only 3 months in and each day I found out something new which winds me up something terrible. I had to see a phsyciatrist on Mon and have been referred for therapy. He has really f***** with my mind. If I see him I go beserk, so I know how you feel. My friend gave me some good advice at the weekend - next time you see him, imagine him with nothing on except a nappy and a dummy in his mouth!! I laughed so much at visualising this that I WILL put it into practice when I next see him. You will have to try and stay calm, as hard as it is. I know I will lose the plot but feel that if I do this during mediation, whilst he sits there all calm and dignified, I will look totally stupid and they'll prob think "no wonder he started an affair"! Another thing, can you not ask to sit in separate rooms? I have read that this can happen if you really cant talk - the mediator goes between the rooms. It may be worth a phone call to find out if they can do this and it will put your mind at rest.
Take care.

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23 Aug 07 #2319 by gone1
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Hi Deb and Shaz. Aint it funny how people react? I was paying her full mortgage until March for her and her fat bf to live in my home. I dropped the payments down to 50% for June's payment. Which I thought was far. I got a letter from her solicitor saying that they were going for an interim award for sm that would be higher than what I was paying for there mortgage. So I have had to put it back up again. I would have been landed with costs for this was well. I just cant afford it. So I have to roll over again. Thing is. I did nothing wrong. I was a loyal hubby for 12 years and I loved her to bits. Soon as the fat coacher came along I was history. Now I have the world and his uncle crashing down on my head. At times I feel utterly disposed of.

I know how you feel about beserk Deb. I would love to do that but I think I would be arrested. I cant win. Chris.

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