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What do I do when

  • Canary
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05 Sep 07 #2887 by Canary
Topic started by Canary
My wife has decided to end our relationship, but won't offer an opinion on what happens next. She wants to carry on as is, but without me there.
I am looking for a rented place to keep my sanity as she has changed and I can't help but argue with her and often it is in front of the kids as she will never set aside time for her to talk (the whole problem!)

But I wish to close our joint account, but she doesn't want to take on the direct debits to her own account (even if I set up a standing order) I don't want to move out and then find I have to cut everything off.

She says she doesn't want to pursue a divorce. I don't really want to hang around in a separation if she is adamant (which she is) that there is no chance of a reconciliation. She just wants to leave things, but without me in the family home.

She wont get a benefits assessment from CAB so I can't make a judgement on what SM might be required and she can't afford to pay the bills without considerable help. How then do I know how much to spend on rental place - I want to get a place suitable where I can have my kids over to stay, but this costs.

She says she wont consider downsizing to release capital - which is the only source of my assets.

She has even said if I stayed we could save money for the inevitable solicitors fees.

  • jay160602
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05 Sep 07 #2898 by jay160602
Reply from jay160602

Your wife wants everything her way, & it sounds like your going to give her everything that she wants.

She doesn't want to downsize! so she expects you to get nothing then?

Its early days for you don't be too hasty in your actions, take a deep breath & give yourself some time to plan what you need to get out of your divorce/seperation.

  • sexysadie
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05 Sep 07 #2913 by sexysadie
Reply from sexysadie
I don't usually agree with Jay but I do this time (more or less).

It seems to me that your wife doesn't know what she wants, except that she doesn't want you. What's the point of a permanent separation but no divorce? Why will there be 'inevitable' solicitors if you don't divorce? You only need to spend a lot on them if you don't agree, anyway; if you can sort things out between you they can just do the final paperwork. She doesn't even seem to be clear whether she wants you to stay in the house (in which case does she just want separate beds?) or to move out.

At any rate, she doesn't seem to have a very realistic idea of what divorce means financially. You are splitting one home into two, so each of you will have less. That's inevitable. It is really quite extraordinary that she won't get the benefits check. That's money that you've presumably both paid for in taxes in the past, so why not take it?

It seems to me that you do need to talk, maybe with a third party to help you. Relate are supposed to be good at separation counselling so you could try them.

Best wishes,

  • Liago
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06 Sep 07 #2920 by Liago
Reply from Liago
I agree with both Jay and Sadie

It sounds like your wife wants to have her cake and eat it.
It does sound like she really does'nt know what she wants. As Sadie says Relate can offer counselling for separating couples, put this to her.

She needs to realise that it is unfair to expect you to live in limbo. If there is no chance of a reconcilliation and she will not consent to couples counselling or mediation of some kind, then you need to seek advice for yourself with reference to your own financial needs and your future obligations to your children.

I do hope she will be reasonable and if your marriage is unsalvageable, that you can reach an agreement that suits both your needs....It takes two to keep things amicable, if one party wont play ball then things have the potential to get very messy indeed.....

Best of Luck

  • Canary
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06 Sep 07 #2921 by Canary
Reply from Canary
Thanks for the advice.

I am even more confused today. Last night she said that she did not envisage all this when she said our marriage was over and that she didn't want to be with me. She has found out the costs of solicitors (apparently none in our area are taking on legal aid cases), didn't realise that our financial situation would change and all that.
It seems she wanted everything to stay the same, but without me there. Now she is implying she doesn't want me to move out, but that her feelings for me (ie none) has not changed.

What do I do - stay in a loveless situation but get to see my kids everyday and live in moderate comfort, or leave and have to accept seeing my kids a couple of time a week and live on the breadline. Particularly as my kids are so young (youngest 6).

What a mess!!

  • mike62
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06 Sep 07 #2923 by mike62
Reply from mike62
I am in a very similar situation to yourself, but the FMH is also our jointly owned business premises - a samll hotel. Like you, I am expected to just leave and let her enjoy a peaceful existence with nothing changing, save for my absence.

However, reality eventually has to come to all and like your wife, my wife has to face the facts of life - Separation and divorce mean exactly that. Assets are split and each goes their separate way.

I sense that you don't really want to go down that road. Perhaps when reality kicks in, neither will she. But you have to accept that she has raised this issue in such a blunt manner that it is not going away.

Eight months down the line, i can say I have ridden one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. Three months ago, I yearned for a reconciliation. As matters have degenerated, I have changed my viewpoint. Maybe you are still in time for attempting a reconciliation - have you tried Relate? They are very good, but both parties need to go with an open mind. My wife didn't.

I guess what I am saying is that my feelings changed significantly over time, and I personlally feel that kids with two happy parents in two houses are better off than kids with two unhappy parents in one house.

Good luck - I really do feel for you. Take care and think about yourself and your future. One party needs to retain their sanity and their feet on the ground for the children's sake


  • jay160602
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06 Sep 07 #2927 by jay160602
Reply from jay160602
Hi canary,

yes its a mess, but it's a mess that you didn't make.

You have got to look realistically at what you want from the rest of your life.
Your wife is not being realistic at the moment, like you say she wants to cling to everthing she's got except you.

You have to ask yourself some questions.

she keeps the house at least until your 6 year old finishes education (12 years) can you afford your own place close by? Could you live with the fact that another man may be moved in to your house?

If you stay with your wife & children, chances are in 10 years time you will seperate/divorce, have you wasted 10 years of your life or was it worth it to be with your young children?

My opinion is do nothing as its still early days, your wife is talking crap not sense at the moment.
For me as there appears to be no chance of a happy reconciliation, 2 houses are the way forward for you, she will have to downsize! which is no big deal (kids love camping in tents!!)
You deserve your own home to take your children to, you also deserve to find another partner in time who is less selfish & shows you some respect.

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