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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Only wanted to marry me for my future Inheritance

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04 Jul 12 #341047 by Action
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Have you actually sat down and had a proper talk about how you feel about all of this and that the marriage isn''t working for you?

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04 Jul 12 #341053 by zulu1305
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When we start talking about how I feel it always ends with me feeling bad and how hard it is for her.

For example. Christmas.. My children came over at about 4.30pm to spend the rest of the day with me, open the presents etc and stay the night with me taking them back Boxing day tea time...also my parents came for dinner and normally leave around 10pm.

My wife''s ex would come round in the morning and have a drink and give his boys their presents etc..

This year I could sense something wasn''t right and when my kids came round it was like the atmosphere changed and became very tense. I went into a separate room to give them my presents as she felt it wasn''t fair on her kids to see mine open more gifts while they had no more to open (if you could have seen what she got them they couldn''t have asked for anymore).

Also my wife spent most of the evening out of the living room cleaning and hoovering...anything it seemed rather than spend time with my family.

Then she came in the room in a foul mood complaining how tired she was (we shared the cooking and the washing up) after she had just literally decided to dust, polish and hoover the house, clean the bathroom etc...I said it was xmas day and she should have left it until the kids went back home the next day and I would help clean the house with her like I normally do.
My daughter was cuddled up next to me on the settee and instictively moved to let my wife sit next to me. I didn''t want her to move but she did anyway. My two sons clocked this and a few strange looks were exchanged as the atmosphere was...well..toxic.

I asked her in the kitchen what was wrong and she said this would be the last xmas we would be at home as the house was like piccadilly station and why should her kids have to change sleeping arrangements on xmas night to accomodate mine and how it was unfair to turf them out of their beds etc...

The truth is that my daughter had her middle sons single bed, my middle son slept on a pull out mattress on the floor and my eldest also on a pull out on the floor. Her youngest slept in his own bed, her middle son slept in his big brothers bed and her eldest slept at his girlfriends!

Also she didn''t see why my mom and dad always came round.

This atmosphere continued into the new year when my kids came round and so did the comments about her kids having to be shoved out of the way to accomodate mine. Also she didn''t like it when my middle son said he wanted time on his own with me on weekends instead of always having to be involved with my wifes kids. she took this as a perasonal insult and it went on and on and on until resentment grew and the silences grew longer and it even felt uncomfortable to call my kids on the phone in front of her.

Until that Saturday when I said I just wanted to feel like it was my home too and that I wasn''t made to feel so miserable. She charged upstairs, called me pathetic and threw my things all over the place before scratching my face when i tried to stop her yelling at me "get your hands off me".. I just broke down and put my things into bin bags while she did a sweep of the house collecting any scrap of evidence I''d ever been there including photos, my kids photos etc... Even the birthday, xmas, valentine cards she must have kept in a drawer appeared in a bag for me to take.

I was in shock. Yet after a few weeks I went back after she apologised thinking it would change. However my kids are definately NOT on board with this and she''s starting to resent the fact they don''t want to "join in with the family" again like nothing had happened.

It''s a shame because i feel when we are together...just us..it''s very good and she can be kind and loving...but that isn''t our real life..we have 6 kids between us and she has hers on adaily basis but i miss mine very much.

Just wish I could make her see.

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04 Jul 12 #341059 by Action
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You can''t carry on like this - your children are your life. What about writing it all down in a letter? Your posts are very articulate and well thought through and you don''t sound confrontational. Maybe if she knew how much you are hurting she would see sense.
How long have you been married?

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04 Jul 12 #341062 by zulu1305
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We''ve been married for 3 years. The last 9 months have been difficult.

I think a letter might be a good idea. At least she could take it away and read it before reacting. Might give her a chance to really understand how I feel before going on the attack. The thing is i do love her very much and still want this to work out but not at the ultimate price of not having my kids in my life.

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04 Jul 12 #341069 by hawaythelads
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That''s a control freak nutter bird you''ve got there mate.
It''ll only get worse.
That behaviour at christmas that''s how the ex harridan used to behave.
I used to have to put up with all her mob ponsing round mine every xmas day.
On boxing day we used to go round my mums for dinner.The woman who used to be up by 8 am every fecking day of the year running round like headless chicken I guarantee without fail used to never get up boxing day till 11am then mope about in a dressing gown.Then by 12.30 have a fecking big row when I''d Then we''d eventually get over my mums an hour late having kept all my family waitin g and other nephew for presents opening and she''d create a fecking atmosphere.She''d either start shouting at our kids or my nephew or sit there with a face like a slapped rse.
I remember the last xmas before we split when it pulled the same scenario I packed the car and the kids and the pressies and said right we''re off over there everyone knows for the last 10 years you don''t want to be there so if u come later fined but noones fecking bothered whether you do or not we''ve all got the message see ya.
I went with the kids and she turned up an hour later.
I promise you it won''t get better with these characters it only gets worse.
All the best
HRH xx

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04 Jul 12 #341092 by Nanny18
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Sorry don''t know much about the legals but is there something about marriages under 5 yrs that you only get what you came into the marriage with. I might have this wrong but it was just a thought.

If you are really thinking of ending it do not leave it to late.

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04 Jul 12 #341093 by jjones123
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You''ve mentioned a touch of physical abuse, but there''s also the emotional abuse too - and if you''re in the middle of it, it''s hard to see if it''s going on.

My ex had all kinds of temper tantrums about family issues. A good friend of mine said to me, ''you put up with different parts of a family out of respect for your partner''. In retrospect, I should have listened to this friend: there''s was a lot of respect from me to my ex partner, but none of it coming the other way. If there isn''t anything coming your way then it''s time to have a difficult conversation about how things are, and if they don''t listen, then they''ve made their decision for you.

I really think that my ex chose me because I was a reasonably solid financial prospect (in the end, she went off for another fella who had more of the readies, more fool her). If you''re thinking about issues relating to wills and inheritance and the like, and you''ve been considering her own financial situation, it really does sound as if you''ve figured a lot out already.

You''ve got to do what you''ve got to do - but first and foremost you''ve got to make sure that you get yourself financially (and emotionally) protected as possible; try to be aware of any manipulations that are coming your way.

The really tough thing is that ''love'' thing: it''s fundamentally difficult to turn off, which is why we tend to explain things away and rationalise the behaviour of those who are close to us.

Best,
JJ

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