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panicking

  • Kitsi
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12 Aug 12 #349030 by Kitsi
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Sorry this is a bit of a long message- I find Subdays now I live in the ex FMH the loneliest day of the week- does amyone else find this?
SRBX left me on 28/11 having had an affair and said he didn''t love me any more, I was shit wife etc etc some truth in that- I did not do enough DIY or give him enough attention and had stopped being a high errner after a car crash and was depressed when we couldn''t have children. So I do feel guilt. He offered to divorce me. I said no I willd ivorce you and and said okay btu you will be paying your own costs. Then left after tricking me into halving costs of running this house by saying he would be make at weekends to work on our marriage. That only lasted two weekends when he admitted it was a play and he wanted out- also that he had usd the money I had cut down on to rent a house for six months and was not coming back ever.
I got a lawyer- a good one but the bills are climbing and climbing- now almost ££0k and although we have made two offers to him via his sol he still prefers Court on Sept 28 for 2nd FDR whcih means I now hav to pay for a barrister. I had my accident compensation money but this is now down to £28k from up in the £80''s as I have had to get so much done to the house for sale.
Never once has he communicated with me direct and has told all his friends he has been forbidden to- which just isn''t true.
We have made two offers one is for 75 pc equity of house and first 325k free to reimburse me for all work I have done here plus thirty pc of his CETV which is £300k
and maintenance for a year at 31400 a month while I try and find a job having put my career on hold while I looked after the house and his career...he is now a big earner- ten years younger than me but when we met it was me who earned a lot and he was on a small wage- I suppoirted him with contacts, through an MBA and he is now doing very well.
Second offer 75 pc equity of house. 20 pc of CETV and £1200 for 12 months plus a contribution towards the work I have had done here.
The house equity is atound £220k
The rate my savings are going down frightens me so much I shake. because there is still a chance his sol will ask for half of these and over half has been spent- in which case what will I do? How on earthw ill I find that much?? And if the legal bills go higher which I suspect he is doing deliberately as I wouldn''t mediate (shock at it being my friend and them finding lots of gay porn in the house) but insisted on court....then what do I do? I won''t have funds to pay another solicitor. dount I can get legal aid? how do I carry on with the divorce? Surely then he will be able to get everything and I will just havve to suffer??
I am applying for job after job but because we live so rurally there really isn''t much.
I used to be a Director of a FTSE 100 but now I am so consfused and panic stricken I can hardly hold up for an interview...I didn''t even get offered a local job cleaning a library.
this man was my soul mate, my best friend. I can''t help thinking it was all my fault- he said he had warned me many times he had his snapping point and that if I wsan''t nicer/kinder to him he would leave- and then he did.
So there are two things- the shock and how mmuch I blame myself for my own marriage ending- and the financial issue. What the heck a, i going to lie on if he drags this out any more. I kow for fact he willhave no ready cash so they can order him to pay him me x and he won''t have it.
What happens in cases like that?
I don''t mean to sound precious but this house is so big and I am so lonely in it. I don''t have any status- wife/job role- nothing. It''s just me and I''m fifty two and we were married for 14 years and he still has the chance to start all over again and I don''t.
Please does anyone have any advice/similar experiences/willingness to meet up with me and share stories? I live in Herefordshire but wuld travel virtually anywhere so as not to feel so alone in all this.
Kitsi

  • livinginhope
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12 Aug 12 #349042 by livinginhope
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Weekends can be difficult to get through on your own.It''s easy to imagine everyone else having a wonderful time with family and friends but the truth is a lot of people aren''t.Lots of people are alone and lots of people in relationships are miserable and would rather be alone!
You need to stop blaming yourself for not being a "good wife",whatever that is,he is pulling your strings and pushing his guilt onto you.Don''t allow it,it''s making you feel bad and him feel in control.
You won''t end up with nothing.Your life certainly isn''t over and it is possible to rebuild a life after Divorce.Where you are living doesn''t seem suitable for you and hopefully you will eventually sell it and move to a less isolated place where it is easier to make new friends.
Tonight I will be watching the closing Olympic Ceremony by myself and I intend to enjoy and have a good time.Why don''t you join me? Put on the Tv ,see how it goes and then we can tell each other what we thought of it tomorrow.We can then share it together and not feel isolated.
Take care.
L.I.H xxx

  • MrsSadness
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12 Aug 12 #349055 by MrsSadness
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Dear Kit and Living, I too will be watching Olympics on my own! Can I join you? Shall I bring some nibbles? LOL. Kitsy, I feel for you, but something we all have to adjust to when ''it'' - pretty much universal - seems to hurt more than usual. Prepare distraction tactics, as Living has said.... I am on here for hours, since so lost, isolated, depressed, and spent all weekend trying to get wording right for my D8 under UB. That is a nightmare in itself! I am a LIP as well.. Having said that, this will be a walk in the park compared to Financial Remedies... God help me, try to negotiate myself round that, I so dread it. But, has to be done. Give yourself a break though and try to relax. Do as Living suggests and watch the Olympics... been on here so long, God, is that the time already?

I feel for you in this situation, lots of us in same boat though, and all I can say is a message of support: chin up and all that, not meant flippantly, but only way to pass another ''bad'' night. One has to think positively and not get dragged down.... So off to watch the Olympics on telly. Pass the peanuts, Living! ha, ha. Had enough of cramming my grey cells with divorce law: there has to be a healthy balance! Hope this has helped!

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12 Aug 12 #349059 by MrsSadness
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Starts at 9, just checked. Will make a point of checking in tomorrow: this is a fantastic site - Kit, have you tried the chat rooms? I haven''t had the nerve yet, but may well do when I feel really down, lonely and sooooo stressed out! Ok, night to the both of you.

  • Inamess
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12 Aug 12 #349066 by Inamess
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kitsi, livinginhope, mrs sadness, can I join the ''closing ceremony party''? I have some delish sausage rolls and yummy dips etc lol. dear kitsi, i can sympathise with you completely, please take one day at a time and, gradually you will feel better. I have grown up daughters living with me so I have company, but also have to keep a ''face'' on things for them, very tiring at times. The financial side of things is very frightening, but the tide will turn for all of us I''m sure. My ex refuses to go to his sol because he knows he will have to settle before divorce, his wish is that I have nothing to show for 20 years of marriage and 3 children. BUT don''t let your ex bully you, you will find that you are stronger than you realized. dig deep :)big hugs x

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12 Aug 12 #349067 by Poppy P
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Hi kit and all

Just poured a glass of wine and settling down for Olympic ceremony. Kit I am not far from you, Chigwell Essex. Please message me if you fancy some company or a chat. I have 3 fab single friends nearby and we are always welcoming to nice people. Keep smiling xxxx

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13 Aug 12 #349095 by livinginhope
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Hi Fellow OLympians did you enjoy the Closing Ceremony? I enjoyed every minute and hope you did too.I clapped,danced and drank wine.There was no one around to make me feel foolish so I made the most of it and really got into the atmosphere.
Perhaps we should plan some more TV parties and keep each other company?
Kitsi I hope you are feeling just a little bit better?Do try and contact Poppy as that could be exactly what you need.It''s amazing how mixing with other singles can help lift our spirits and help see that there is a life worth living.XXx

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