i'm new here and looking for advice... maybe support. feeling "down" today and need a kick up the ass to get myself out of this fug i just dropped in.
i'll try to be brief...
would have been married 29 years this year (i was 22 and with him since 17) but, hmmm coincidentally, this time last year i started the divorce proceedings, finalised in january this year.
we are amicable as we lived through the very dark times... i wish i hadnt done that but i think i lacked the confidence to force the issue earlier. it was agreed to divorce (i wanted clarity on status) and do finances later.
we started mediation earlier this year, got the forms, filled them in and then got no further... my fault admittedly. not good on confrontation.
now i should mention at this stage... when the proverbial hit the fan in say 1997 (although i can honestly say, 4 years into marriage i should have got out), we took separate bedrooms although did family stuff with kids etc (born 1987 and 1989... see? shoulda done this finance thing when they were little). oh yes, in 2000 i confirmed my suspicions that he is gay or at least bi. BUT i suppose i didnt want to fully acknowledge it, so used to say "if it turns out he is...". i did snoop and certainly had evidence but didnt confront, for sake of kids and his explosive temper - i think i had self esteem issues too. our marriage problems, according to him, were all my fault... i was a lousy mother etc etc.
he moved out in 2004.
i have got stronger and this year after finding him on a gay dating site and feeling really angry, i confronted him. he admitted it.
so finances... i need to do this and have put it off. i guess i always thought i'd be entitled to more than 50% (earnings potential etc etc). he has maintained he will be fair, and as i say, we are amicable.
but last night, after getting me to sign my 15% director of his company shares over (thats fine), he then said,
"why do we need mediation at £200ph... we're doing 50-50 anyway"
i said... oh no we're not! tbh, i want 70% at least and i think i am being fair seeing as he has kept such a dark devious secret all these years in a sham marriage! (sorry the anger and bitterness pops up every now and then)
should his sexuality come into proceedings in order to access whats fair?
Hi zzzzztt (hope I got enough zz's in there).
First of all sorry you are going through this.
Second, I'm not the best at giving advice but I think you need to post some more detail like:
* Your incomes
* Your asetts , home, savings, etc
* Pension values
With a bit more info there will be someone here who could give you more advice than I.
The starting point for all of this seems to be 50:50 but other factors come into play then like the age of children, where and who they will live with and so on. I dont think his sexuality will matter but I could be wrong.
Also I wouldnt go signing anything without some advice from someone who knows>
It is not your fault. It takes 2 to make a marriage so he cant blame it on you. He may have had his own issues to deal with but I dont think that is an excuse to take it out on you.
would be happy to talk with you but not only privately if you would like to send a message. i also found a murky past! also long marriage, much in common. doubt any of this is relevant to your splitting the finances though you just have to forget the bitterness and realise what a **** he is! then you can move on i am glad to say regarding feelings for my ex, i have none for him and also my kids have absolutely no respect for him whatsoever as to the way he has acted, they still love him but the respect they have is only for me, they know and have told me i have never done any wrong and was nothing but supportive to him. i am sure you will hear likewise soon from yours, just carry on and dont listen rubbish he says he is trying to make you feel bad because he knows what a mess he has made.
First of all, I liked your formatting ! Made it much easier on my eyes. I've never worked out how to do it.
A few observations :
1. You did make a claim for ancillary relief , didn't you ??? Because if you didn't you need to take legal advice p.d.q.
2. You are doing the right thing in seeking to resolve your differences through mediation.
3. What you will have to do is to fill in a very complicated document known as a form E, or something very similar. Nobody can advise you without a full knowledge of your financial position.
4. I do not think your husband's sexuality will have any bearing on the financial settlement, and personally would not advise you even to raise it.
5. It may well have a bearing on the outcome if you have dependent children still living at home.
6. Valuations of businesses can be difficult, if for no other reasons than that the claims of a divorcing spouse can affect the viability of the enterprise.
when you say ancilliary benefits... i just looked all that up.
so, no, i guess i havent because thats the financial settlement?
we went to the mediator and i have filled in lots of forms, showing assets etc... its now a question of making another appointment for it to be thrashed out and made legal... clearly i need to do this as he wants more than i envisaged him wanting.
my daughter is 20 and ay uni now. my son is 18 in a few days but lives with me. i dont know if he is going to go to uni, he is at college until next summer.
i only work very part time, a tutor in FE, so its not even that regular. so i do other part time stuff but nothing permanent. (he would LOVE me to get a full 9 - 5 job, just doing office work but i have trained hard to be where i am now).
i'm not angry and bitter much of the time, just today, cos of the spat last night - he still has that effect on me - whoomph, down in the dumps.
as for formatting, i got lucky but i'm not succeeding this post!
The fact that you have signed over your 15% shares in his business, really doesnt make much of a difference as it could be seen that he coherced you in to doing that and the fact that you had no legal representation when you did it means alot too in the eyes of any court!
Also when you got your divorce absolute this is where things get a little messy. I can understand you wanting to get the divorce but a word of warning to others wanting to do this before the finances are settled is you can lose certain rights as a wife, say in pension entitlements ect once an absolute has been granted. tread carefully and get some advice even if its the "free half hour!