Please help, dunno what to do, heres the situation, sorry if its long.
Been married 9yrs, hubby left 2mth ago, hes at his mum. He wasnt thinking of divorce, just wanted space, but i couldnt stop cryin on fone beggin him to come home, then i started throwing my rights at him, what i was entitled to etc, i told him to look at what he was throwin away, we was about to buy new house. (bigger)Anyway, me banging on about my rights made him go seek advice, so i did, but i didnt take steps or do anythig. NoHe said whatever advice he is givrn he will act on. However, he was told the first time he went to take his name off joint acc, bills at home and stop payin me any money and i shoulg go on benefit.
I cant go on benefit, im at uni, can have child tax and child benefit and thats it, so he said he would just pay the joint mortgage payment of 283 pm. Hes still not taken the house off market, hes not taken name off acc n bills, has changed his address on some things, but others are still here. Anyway, his 2nd appointmen, he tells me hes applied for the petition and paid 300, i think he has as ive phoned the register office and they tell me hes been in to collect it last week, so i know im to expect them soon, his reasons arelack of trust under unreasonable behaviour and constant accusations.
My first question is, do i have to sign the ppers, i dont want a divorce, i think its too soon, i want to put them in bin and do nothing, can i do this, can i be forced to get a divorce, it takes time to plan a weddin, and time to end a marriage.
2nd question, hes give me no cash for 3wk, he has his own business, declared income 35-40k, hes now saying to me, he will put me on books of his business for 16hrs at min wage (85 pw) and i can claim taxcredit, he will pay half mortgage but no csa (1 child his) or spouse maintenance. Do i accept this to hel me out for now, as i wont do anything for money, saves me gettin job and i can still do fulltime degre
3rd question, i dunno how much is business is worth, but know he got 35k in bank, he has offered me 10k now and thats it from business, somehow i think this is poo and no way.
4th question. house is worth 135k, we owe 37k, he wants 50 50 in 8yrs when his son is 18, again i think poo, no way.
You see the thing that baffles me, is the rush, he said just agree and i get contract, i said no, im not rushin this i want to seewhere i stand and if u will regret this first. Turns out hes desparete cos his solictor charges 167 ph, so the more we agree the less he pays and he wants it all sorted now,his solictor advised him get flat, get rid of cash kittin it out. Does this mean if hes getting rid of cas i will lose out, cos if he aint got it he cant give it can he.
Now the biggy, i know that hes earning more than 35-40k cos i have his dodgy reciept book that he has 57k in dodgy rciepts, undeclared income since his business been runin 3yr, chargin vat when he didnt pay it, takin cash n writin lss etc, now ive threatned to disclose this to his accountat and inland revenue, he says if i do, im screwed to as they will take m car off me etc, plz tell me what i should do with all this, i dont want divorce, i want to drag it out cos i want the cost and what he will lose to scare him, but i also dont want to make things worse, atleast not now.
If i do drag this out as planned, what is the likely outcome for me and what will it cost him in solictor and cort fees, will it make me lose
Omg so sorry its long, im goin insane,its all too soon, not had petition and hes tryin to finalise it all right this min
What a complete nightmare for you especially not wanting a divorce. I cut and pasted this information for you.
Irretrievable breakdown of marriage is the only grounds for divorce. You must prove irretrievable breakdown in one of five different ways. These are:
- unreasonable behavior (often described as cruelty)
- desertion for two years
- separation for two years where the other party consents
- separation for five years (no consent needed)
I understand how desperate you must of been feeling when you threw all "your rights" at your Husband.
The trouble is when feelings are running high we all do daft things and regret it later.
Why dont you write you husband a letter and tell him how you feel, tell him you do not want to rush into things, tell him its going to cost a fortune if you both end up fighting. Tell him you are sorry for your threats but you not thinking clearly. The trouble with your threats i.e. telling the vat man and tax blah blah, will hurt you also in the long run, it will end with you both truly bitter towards each other. Ask him if you can both have a cooling off period, maybe ask him to help you finish your course at Uni so in time you can stand on your own two feet! Ask him to get rid of his solicitor or ask him to tell his solicitor to put a hold on everything.
Both of you are feeling threatened at the moment and the only way this is heading is a lot of pain and heartache.
You have to stop threatening him with all this stuff, its only causing you grief, your post, it seems to me that your desperately clutching at anything just to keep a hold of him and all its doing is hurting you!
Take a big deep breath, and tell him how you feel,maybe ask him round for dinner and talk, or suggest a drink somewhere, take all the anger you feel out of the situation and try a different approach because the one you are taking at the moment is just not working, in fact its having the opposite effect to what you wanted.
Chin up babes.
P.s. have a look at the divorce guide on here, it tells you exactly what to expect if and when papers come through the letterbox, you do have a right to defend the divorce and he does need proof of unreasonable behaviour, he also has to swear it on oath.
This is really obvious, I expect, and only to do with your immediate situation. Have you spokem to people at uni?
There are various things you need to do.
First, because your coursework may be affected, you need to see your presonal tutor or whoever runs the support services. Don't be upset if they ask for formal evidence of your situation - that's only to show that they are being fair to all students. There will pe procedures concerning mitigating circumstances, deferral of coursework etc that you need to know if you don't already.
Second, it's a good idea to see what the Student Support Services can offer. There are probably people who can advise you on the financial aspects as they affect your course and your immediate predicament. There may even be small emergency loans or grants. I'm not sure that you can get benefits if you're a student but the student financial advisers should be able to tell you all about your entitlements.
Thirdly, it's worth seeing if the university counselling services can help you. It can help if you talk to someone outside your immediate circle about what you're going through, and most universities have free counselling services.
This is all practical stuff. I hope it helps and also that things get better for you soon.
Thanks Louise and Athene.
Louise, your exactly right in what you said, im not thinking and seeing things clearly.
Are you saying his grounds are not unreasonable behaviour, how do you prove lack of trust?, defending a divorce dont have good press,i bet its never been known where a divorce has not been granted, i just want more time to get my head round things and get through uni, hopefully by then he will have had his wake up call or gone through his midlife crisis etc, but your exactly right in what im doing, thanx for your sound advice.
Athene, i have contacted uni, got extensions and filled out extenuating circumstances forms, cant go on benefits but there are parenting grants for single mums etc, so all that is good. I have thought of counselling and think its probably a good idea, so i may do that.
Spoke to hubby this morn, still not sure whats goin on as he said hes doing nothing for now, hasnt made another appointment at his solicitors and he just wants the stress to stop as its affecting uni and his business.
At the point i know for a fact hes collected the marriage cert form reg office, and hes told me the cost of petition it sounds to me as though he has done something, if so, then surely he has another app. Ive had no letter or nothing yet anyway, however, he did say that he aint stopping it now as it takes ages, so for now the ball is rolling, if he regrets it, which he says he dont think he will, then he will stop the proceedings. So i suppose i have to assume that he has started the petition.
I honestly think your husband is calling your bluff! (but i could be wrong) To pick up his marriage certificate from reg office isnt anything to worry about. Long way to go from there.
As for the petition if he has filed it at court and started the ball rolling then you will hear in 7/10 days from the day he put it in. An uncontested divorce takes roughly 3 months from start to absolute and i know this for a fact as i did it with my first husband and my second husband did it with his first wife. This is of course if no solicitor is involved and no ancilliary relief proceedings are involved.
i also bet there are people like you who dont want a divorce and will fight it every step of the way. He cant just come up with any old excuse to divorce you, thats in the olden days when men got their wives locked up in the loony bin. (sometimes i think thats where i should be! lol
have to finish this post later, just got company round.
cya in a while
I realy dont know if he is callin my bluff as i dont know anyone who as been through it. He reckons he has filed for divorce and the process is that his solicitor is doing it and she sends it to court. Well how can that be, cos surely she has to draft it, then he has to go bk in 2 sign it, send me a draft and then to court. I dunno i could be wrong.
Tonight hes made me angry, fri he tld me contact csa, so i did, sun he told me to call them off as he would put me on his books n i get wftc. Told me today after me tellin him i called csa off that he now needs to speak to his solicitor bout me goin on books, and he dont want me to phone him again unless its emergency. He said i blew it by adding up his dodgy reciept book.
Now hes sayin he will sell business for a grand, lmao, as if dude, so my reply to that was, well you owe m 600 of it then.
He went to his solicitor last tues, so you reckon nxt week if he has done something, then i will hear. The suspense is killing me. You know what they say, anticipation of death is worse than death itself lol.