Going round in circles?

Thanks for the replies. I think that I have relied on my solicitor to make the moves, which is possibly why things have dragged. Am just so green when it comes to these matters. I have no idea on what the best moves are or when. It's beginning to feel like a battle, a financial war. So sad that it has to come to this as I am not mercenary at all and just want what is fair. My ex just wants what he sees as his. Therein lies one of the main problems.

For me, this whole divorce procedures thing is a minefield. My ex has made out that it would be pure greed if I want anything more than 5% of the house as he feels it was his property when we got together.

form E's still haven't been exchanged. When they are, what is the usual thing to do then? Do I try and reach an agreement with my ex or would one let the solicitors sort it? Have visions of this still not being sorted 6 months down the road.

Hi all

Thanks for your comments! All appreciated. An update for you that has upset me. I shouldn't let it but well...this divorce business is just so hard sometimes...

Have now exchanged form E's, though my ex has stressed that I hardly contributed and that I took no interest in the family home. It feels like a complete insult, to be honest. He is making out that I was a sponger, living off him.This is not the case at all!!! Could he have a clever lawyer who might put a case against me with spin? Would a judge buy it? Sorry- just feeling really down about this as I know what I contributed for all those years together.

Could it come down to my word against his? Some of my contributions are not on paper or on a spreadsheet. Such as me making the family home lovely to live in, cooking for him everyday etc etc.

It feels like he is still trying to intimidate me, as he tried to do during our marriage. I have tried to be reasonable towards him, not wanting any animosity- even recognising his contributions fairly on form E.. However, his actions just make me feel that it was all a waste of time to be adult about everything.

Sorry. Having a bad day.

Dear Cavegirl,

I hope I can shed a little light on how the decision-making might go in this case. ALL Court decisions are made according to a check-list of factors set out in s25(2) Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. A judge must have regard to all the circumstances and facts of the case, although it is entirely his discretion as to how those factors are ranked in order of importance.

Needs, resources, length of marriage, giving up own career to build and run a home for husband and raise children, contributions generally (i.e. the latter, and bringing in a home) are all relevant.

Two important things: with a short marriage (less than 4 years) you should put the parties back into the position they were in pre-marriage. The longer the marriage, the less the relevance of e.g. bringing in a house. Now you see why I stressed the "seamless transition into marriage" thing earlier? I don't fancy his chances of saying "I brought the house into the marriage, I should take it out again". The marriage has been too long for that. You made a commitment for life, after all.

Your contribution in home-making, bearing and bringing-up children etc is normally taken to be of equal value to his contribution in bringing home the slain T. Rex. - or whatever cavemen brought home. I hope these thoughts reassure you somewhat.

Of course, the Court doesn't have to decide. You and he can thrash out a deal between you with help of solicitors, but this presupposes that your solicitor is prepared to be pro-active (hideous expression) and that his is prepared to abide by the s25(2) factors. Many solicitors aren't, for all that it is statute law.

Keep the questions coming, we'll sort this out one piece at a time. Too much information too quickly causes mental indigestion!

Will C

Looking back on it the dreaded Form E was the start of my rehabilitation - it helped me to detach from him, stand up, look at him as separate from me . Seeing his bank statement with Form E forced me to realise there was no going back.His life with his new woman all laid bare - hotels holidays Christmas spending - It feels like amputation without anaesthetic at the time but it is part of the healing process.

Dear Will and others who have replied,

Thanks for your replies. I feel slightly more reassured me, thanks. Though, am just feeling fed up of his emotional bullying and am wishing I had divorced him two years ago for unreasonable behaviour. Just wasn't strong enough at the time. I know that the judge, should it go to court, will have all the facts before him/her and will make , I hope, a fair decision. I just worry that he is really good with fudging figures and persuading people due to the nature of his job.

I am annoyed that he would have the audacity to state that he wished for it to be known that I apparently took little interest in the home, which is a complete fabrication. How on earth would he prove this, if I have bank statements over 10 years ago showing me buying stuff from department stores, garden centres, etc etc to make the house lovely? I could have stated lots of bad behaviour on his part but chose not to, thinking that he wanted to keep this civilised. Maybe I am just too bl@@dy soft and just need to toughen up.:blink:

In my form E, I deliberately set my future costs etc at a reasonable level, so it didn't make me out to be a money grabbing cavegirl. My holiday cost for the year, for example, is half of what his future costs are. My sol advised me to put down reasonable costs as it was felt this would be viewed favourably. Some of my costs have changed though and future needs have changed as I may well be leaving the profession I am in before it kills me off! Now, that he has my form E, I can't change or amend it, can I? His future needs are now higher than mine, which doesn't add up as he is the one in the FMH and has a low mortgage, compared to me struggling in rental accomodation.

Also, my solicitor sent all my bank statements for the last year so he has access to evey purchase that I made, whereas he only sent me the bare bones information and not all of his statements. This isn't right, is it? Should my solicitor be insisting he sends me this information?

Sorry...am rather off loading everything today. Must pass out the Rennie's to help with the brain indigestion!

Cavegirl x

Hi Maggie, Thanks for taking the trouble to reply. I know what you mean about Form E- it has already made me realise that our lives are seperate now, though I still cringe at the thought that he can see what I bought on my visa card or when I bought wine from the offy.

Must be resolved to be a tougher cavegirl!