Punished for beeing nice

Hi everyone,

This is my very first post here so I hope I get it right.

My wedding anniversary would be coming up on Tuesday the 19th of June and I am very upset and depressed now for we didn't quite make it. Deep down I knew that we wouldn't for my marriage hasn’t been great and after I found out about my husband’s affair and his cyber sex sessions (and I thought he was working!) 2 years ago, my marriage just hasn’t been the same. I thought that if I forgave him everything would be alright and he would change but how wrong was I?

Two years later now and I have found out that my husband is a pervert and sends videos and images of himself (doing things that horrified me) to other women and serves the net regularly looking at busty ladies and then denies it and lies about it. The images and the recoded messages on his phone that I have come across recently will haunt me for the rest of my life. I never really trusted him since his affair and always worried that he was up to something behind my back but all this has come as a big shock to me.

We stopped getting close a while ago and although we shared the same bed we only got really close about 4x a year (and he was never sober when we did). I should have known then but he always blamed the lack of closeness on stressful job and other things in life which I stupidly believed. And as if this hasn’t been good enough indication that something isn’t quite right with my marriage, my husband spent very little time with me as he preferred to spend his evenings in the pub drinking and smoking. He always lied and was never able to keep his word, and every time I called him and asked him to please come home, 10 minutes turned out to be an hour and hour turned out to be 2 or more. But through all this I stuck by him hoping that he would sooner or later realize his mistakes and change but he never did and things only got worse.

I know I should have left him a long time ago but as I was divorced once before I thought I can still make this marriage work. So why you didn’t leave him, I hear you ask. Well the main reason would be that throughout the marriage and 2 years before that I lent my husband £32000 for his business, loans and other things and he promised to pay it off as he knew it was my hard earned money that I saved up before marrying him. That was the agreement but the repayments never happened although he still keeps saying he is going to pay me back – one day... He is in debt up to his ears and deep down I feel I might never see my money again and I suppose that’s why I am still with him, just hoping to get my money back so I can then leave him and save myself all the stress, the anger and the tears that this marriage has brought on me.

I though about ending my life on several occasions but I know I would only make his life better as at the moment I only seem to be in his way anyway so I am not going to do anything foolish and I am going to be strong as I believe my time is yet to come. So far my life hasn’t been great and I often ask what have I done to deserve this as I feel I am being punished for something I did in my life but somehow I can’t find out what it is. I do think am a nice person, I work as a nurse and always help everyone, and with regards to my husband I was always there for him supporting him (mainly financially) every time he needed it but obviously I haven’t done enough in my life to deserve love and happiness. I have no one to talk to for I have never really made any close friends since coming to UK 12 years ago and my husband is the only person I have but I know I can do better and I know I deserve better. But I am just so afraid of being alone. We still live together and I have found out that I can’t get a divorce unless we live separately but I am just so afraid that once he moves out I will never see my money again!!!

Please, if there’s anyone out there that can perhaps give me some advice as to what I can do to get out of this marriage and mainly what chance I have of seeing any of my money again??

Thank you

My heart really bleeds when I read stories like yours. But one of the things that life teaches you is that, in situations like this, other people can see things much clearer than you yourself can. I can recall the failure of my own first marriage, some 30 years ago now, due to my ex's mental illness. My family picked up the deterioration in my wife's health much sooner than I did. Not that it would have made any difference to the outcome.

From what you say, I get a strong impression that you would be much better off without this man. He has just used you and exploited you. I do not think he will change. Sorry to have to say this, but on the basis of what you say, I'm forced to that conclusion. I think, deep down, you know this too.

Putting an end to the marriage, in one sense, is relativel;y easy. What causes the trouble with divorce ( as readers of this site will be happy to confirm ) are issues like children, how you split the assets, whether one party pays maintenance to the other, and if so, how much and for how long. This can often result in very bitter and destructive litigation.

Getting out of the marriage - you petition for divorce on the basis of your husband's unreasonable behaviour. In your case, there is no a scintilla of doubt that your husband has behaved in a wholly irresponsible and reprehensible manner. So getting out of the marriage in itself is not too difficult nor particularly expensive. Some people even do it themselves , without legal help.. The real problem is the kind of matters referred to in the previous paragraph, and the technical term for it is ' ancillary relief ' - which you will often encounter on this website. Some people have another name for it, which isn't nearly so nice !

I don't think it is true, as a matter of law, that you cannot start divorce proceedings while you are living together. It is self evident, however, firstly, that a divorce petition is likely to make a bad situation worse, and secondly the housing situation has to be resolved sooner or later. Incidentally, if violence is a factor here, or you think it is a possibility, you are in a different ball game. If this is the case, then I would recommend that you should speak to a Womens Aid organisation. They have a lot of experience in dealing with such cases.

As regards your loan, I don't know anything about your husband and his finances, so I can't comment. To me, however, it doesn't look promising. It is one of the factors that would be taken on board as part of the ancillary relief process. I wouldn't be amazed if he was insolvent.

I think I will leave it like that for now, but will conclude by making a few points. (a) You deserve a lot better than this. (b) I think you would make a very good wife or partner for someone ! (c) This situation is not your fault (d) On this site you will find a number of people who have been through this process and we are all with you, we all know what you are going through. You do not have to navigate these waters without help. (e) Things do, eventually, get better. It will take time, but they do, and you will emerge stronger and wiser.

With every good wish
Mike

Hi

Just like to add to Mike's excellent answer that this site is very good not just for practical advice, but also for moral support. There are often people you can talk to in the chat room of an evening.

I have felt and still sometimes feel very bad myself. I just keep going day by day having faith that one day life will improve and in some ways it has. You must keep going too. I'm sure you are a good person its just life is unfair and it's not your fault.

In the end you will win through because you can move on and form another relationship but could he?

Kind regards

Shelia

First of all, you are a nice person and you are not being punished - you've just found yourself with the wrong person. What he's done says lots about the person he is - his actions are his responsibility, not yours, even though you may have to deal with the consequences. I don't know the legal situation about the money as this depends on lots of factors. It's possible a solicitor could tell you in a half hour's free advice as you have very specific questions. Are you in the nurses' union and do they have a helpline? Some unions have helplines for their members and these often cover personal as well as professional questions - it's worth a look, perhaps. And if you feel really bad and want to talk, the Samaritans (number in the phone book) will always listen although they don't give advice, I think. Meanwhile, it's possible things will get better from now on. Good luck!

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're going through. My husband also turned out to be somebody completely unrecognisable from the man I married. The terrible memories of discovering what he was up to behind my back will always be with me but I just wanted to reassure you that if you find the strength to leave him the memories will fade and allow you to get on with your life.

I know you're very depressed but you are living with an impossible situation. I had to ask my ex to leave for a while when I was pregnant and was worried that the anger I was experiencing due to his lies and consistent infidelity would affect the baby. He never came back but with hindsight it was the best thing. I might not be divorced yet but I am happy, in fact far happier than I was when he was around.

I'm sorry i can't offer you any legal advice as I am just learning about the divorce process myself but I wish you all the luck in the world, you sound like a great person.